SHAYE 

I’d tried everything to repair our marriage, but he just wouldn’t listen to reason, as usual I was the crazy bitch because I wanted to make it work, I’d thought having a child with him would keep him, but that hadn’t worked, it worked for Cindy but her husband was a push over, he was probably more scared of losing her than she him, so where had I gone wrong?

In any case, it was my fault we were no estranged and it had gone on for so long I just didn’t know how to repair the damage I’d caused, we were no longer lovers, we were barely on speaking terms, every time I’d call he’d express annoyance, he was never happy to hear my voice, I knew he was annoyed he’d had to travel so far just to clear the mountain of debts I’d accumulated, but on some level I knew he was relieved—relieved he no longer had to see me.

The day I’d called him he’d seemed even more annoyed than usual, which was a new record for him, I’d only called to try repair our friendship, we were friends once, I was trying to remind him of that fact, I wasn’t sure I was even in love with him anymore, but he was my husband and you don’t throw away an entire marriage because you’ve had enough, plus I needed him, who would look after me if he divorced me, it was important for me to repair our marriage, get back on his good side, not just for me, but for our son.

Picking up our son, I look into his bright blue eyes and I sigh, he’s the double of Hunter, I see none of myself in this charming little boy, just his dad who now despised me, the pregnancy was a surprise for Hunter, of course I’d secretly come off of contraception in the hopes of getting pregnant, like I said a baby was supposed to make him stay, if I had his child he couldn’t leave me, it would bind us together forever, but it hadn’t worked out as I’d hoped.

“Let’s go see daddy.” I smile into my five year old’s innocent face, he hasn’t got a clue what I’m talking about, all he knows is we’re going to see daddy and that’s enough to put a brilliant smile on his now happy face.

Driving towards the college where Hunter works, most people would think this was a crazy act, but it wasn’t, it was an act of desperation, I was desperate to repair our marriage, because if he went through with the divorce, I’d be labelled as a single mother divorcee and I couldn’t be tarnished with that brush, I’d be classed as damaged goods and who would keep me in the life I was accustomed to, why did he need to be happy anyway, why couldn’t he just settle for how things were, after all what was that saying, ‘happy wife, happy life.’ Well I wasn’t happy, so Hunter would not have a happy life, I was going to make sure of that, he wasn’t leaving me, that was not a future I was willing to accept, Hunter was still my husband after all, and as his wife I was exercising my right as his wife to visit my husband, there was nothing wrong with impulsively visiting him—nothing at all.

The visit goes as expected and ends with a screaming match in the hallways of the college, I see the little spy sneaking around the corner out of the corner of my eye, so I scream I’m still his wife, the shock on her face is evident, but I knew before I even came here that he wouldn’t tell anyone about me, why would he? He’d washed his hands of me months before he’d taken this job, let him think that I’d obeyed his harsh words in that hallway, little did he know I was going to find out the source of his annoyance, hanging back I follow him, I’m not stalking him, I’m merely observing, while we maybe estranged he has never acted this way before he arrived here and I was curious what it was that had suddenly gave him some balls.

Luckily for me, I didn’t have to wait long, a woman gave him his balls, a little young I think as I watch from across the road, she doesn’t seem happy, it almost looks like he’s going to leave and then he enters the apartment and all I can think is—fuck.

It feels like I’ve been sat outside this apartment for an eternity, then he gets in his car, but he’s not alone, that same witch he was with earlier is with him again, I follow behind him and watch him descend the steps to his own apartment, it’s a strange thing, I actually feel a pang of jealousy, which is odd because I haven’t felt these kinds of feelings for him in years, maybe it’s because he’s giving his attention to someone who isn’t me? Who knows but I’m not about to let another woman carry on with my husband behind my back, estranged or not.

He looks shocked when I turn up at his apartment the next day, I always did like to surprise him, I’d like to say he was happy to see me, but of course he wasn’t, it doesn’t take long to get rid of his little visitor and when she leaves he looks like a shell of himself, I however am delighted, I know he can see it on my face, I’ve done what I came to do, my husband will be back home next week and whatever her name is will be history and we will forget this little indiscretion, because that’s what good wives do, I will keep the life I’ve come accustomed to and everything will be just like it was, like I said, ‘happy wife, happy life.’

Sure, he maybe sad for awhile, but he’ll get over it, after all happiness isn’t everything, but being comfortable and settling is better than nothing, he won’t find anyone better and he’s my husband, he made a commitment to me till death do us part, we had a child, he’d just have to get over it and settle for the wife he had chosen all those years ago because I wasn’t going anywhere.

As I drive home I keep that happy thought in my head, but his sad face keeps popping up in the corner of my mind, he’s miserable because of me, I could let him go, let him live a happier life, but then what would happen to me, I didn’t want to be alone, he’d chosen me all those years ago, not her, she didn’t deserve him, I’d seen the way he looked at her, the way he’d chased her, he’d never looked at me that way, I knew he didn’t love me, but the realisation of his love for her settled in my mind, I knew there was something there and once she’d left, he seemed—broken, we’d all dealt with grief, it would be just like losing your dog, you’d cry for a few months then you’d forget about it, yes, she was just like a little puppy, once she was out of sight he’d soon forget about his little puppy and I—well I could have my life back, I’d make him love me again, it wouldn’t be hard, after all I’d done it once, I could do it again.