The ride over to my apartment is full of laughter and love, there has always been this ease with Hunter, just being with him is easy, like we’ve known each other for years, even though it’s only been six months, he always made it seem like it had been longer, night had fallen because as he had said, you couldn’t be too careful, it always made me chuckle when he spoke like that, it almost felt like we were spies, melding within the shadows on a secret mission, hoping our cover wouldn’t be blown.

The car screeches to a halt, his hand caresses my face as he stares into my eyes, “How are you feeling? I never know what you’re thinking.”

“I’m feeling good”, I smile. “This weekend was perfect.”

“I will see you tomorrow?” He questions.

“Of course.” I smile, his mouth encloses around mine, deep, willing, full of want and desire, his supple soft lips enclose around mine as he holds my face in a loving gesture, “See you soon.” He smiles.

I exit the car and it literally feels like I’m floating on cloud nine, the car follows me until I disappear into the building, I hear him speed off before I close the door, bouncing up the steps leading to the apartment I have a spring in my step, nothing could ruin my good mood, opening the apartment door, I slide in, closing the door behind me.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Bailey screams in my direction, well only that could spoil my good mood, she’s stood there, red face, hair dishevelled, hands on her hips, swaying towards me, I couldn’t decide if she was drunk or just immensely pissed at me, she starts tapping her foot on the wooden floor, “Well.” She quizzes me once more.

“Nowhere.”

“Nowhere? You’ve been nowhere.” 

“That’s not an answer.”

“I’ve just got through the door—.”

“You disappeared, no call, no text, no bye Bailey, you were just gone, I was worried and all you can fucking say is nothing, I’m afraid that’s not good enough, Lex.”

“I can’t tell you.” I whisper.

I watch her face change, it’s no longer furious but full of compassion, she reaches me, wrapping her arms around me I feel her head slump down onto my shoulder, “you can tell me anything, you know that.” I shake my head, “are you in trouble?”

“Not the kind you’d think.”

“You know what, go put on a movie, I will get a tub of B&J’s cookie dough with two spoons and you can tell me what the hell is going on.”

“Bailey, I can’t.”

“How long have we been friends?”

“I—.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know, years, sometimes it feels like forever.”

“And when did you decide you couldn’t trust me anymore?”

“It’s not like that.”

“Great, go sit, I will be right back.”

I watch as she potters about in the kitchen, shaking my head, I had no excuses for my recent behaviour or where I had disappeared to all weekend, she had probably already guessed it was to do with a man, but she’d never guess what man, it made me feel sad that she’d think I didn’t trust her, I did, but if this got out it wouldn’t only ruin my life, but Hunters as well, I’d wanted to tell Bailey months ago, but it was a risk I couldn’t afford, if it got out it would be finished before it had even started and I couldn’t risk what I had with Hunter, I’d never expected to meet someone who would fill my heart so much, the happiness I felt when I was with him overflowed, I’d wanted to keep him a secret for a little while longer but my curious friend was backing me into a corner.

I feel her plop down beside me, she hands me the silver spoon as she holds the cookie dough flavoured ice cream between us, we’d done this since we were children, if we had something that was hard to talk about or if we were upset, ice cream was the magic tool we used to cheer us up or lessen a blow, we clinked spoons as we always did before we dug our spoons into the ice cream.

“So?” She asks.

“It could ruin everything.”

“Lex, anything you say to me stays here, you know that, don’t let whatever it is to eat you up.”

“But it’s not—.” I protest.

“Is it serious?” I shake my head. “Then what is it?”

“Its a man Bailey, okay, I met a man.”

“Oooh, you go girl,” I roll my eyes at her, “But then why?”

“It’s Hunter.” I finally admit, she looks at me curiously, “Is that a new student?” I almost want to keel over with laughter, that would make it easier I think.

“The only Hunter I know is—.” She stares at me wide- eyed. “No—you didn’t, your professor?” I just nod, “Oh-my-god girl, get it, that man is fine as hell!”

It’s not really the response I was expecting, screaming, telling me how wrong it was, lecturing me on my stupidity, but no, nothing like that of the sort, she actually seemed excited by my confession.

“Tell me everything,” She squeals, “And don’t leave out anything.” I laugh as I go into an in-depth tale of the story of Hunter up until the moment I’d walked through the door.

“Wow.” She finally exclaims when I’ve finished telling her the details, of course I left some parts out, she didn’t need to know the ins and outs of our sexual activities.

“Oooh, Sexy Lexie, with the sexy professor.” She giggles, I groan while tapping her, “Bailey.” She giggles and we settle in to watch Friends, our go to cheer up series, it never gets old no matter how many times we watch it, although we still laugh at the same parts, it gets to midnight and Bailey gives me a kiss on the cheek before walking off to her bedroom, I feel a sense of relief knowing my secret is safe, but also knowing I was no longer lying to my best friend.




Walking to my own bedroom, I look around, my bedroom is vastly different to Hunters, it’s cozy, inviting, with pictures on a cork board of all my memories, my room is a version of myself, I throw myself down onto the bed allowing the goose duck feather blanket to envelope me in warmth, staring up at the ceiling I reminisce about the steamy weekend I had with my very hot professor, but it wasn’t the sex that made it special, it was just him, it was the little things, it felt like I was starring in my very own romantic comedy, he had a way of making me feel alive, I’d spent so long just wanting to disappear, like a shadow in the crowd, never to be seen, but since meeting Hunter I realised I didn’t want to disappear after all—all I wanted was to be found.

Hunter had made me come alive, he’d breathed new life into me, the excitement I felt every time I was near him was something I’d never dreamed of experiencing, with Tom it was never like that, I’d never got a rush of butterflies or even felt excited, it was just ‘safe’, it was comfortable, it was just like a piece of furniture that had always been there and had grew on you, you’d got used to it been around and you couldn’t imagine what it would be like if it wasn’t there, so you kept it because it had been there for so long, but in the end you realised keeping that dusty old piece of furniture while ‘safe’ tied you down to a life you never even asked for, kept you stuck and the only way to get unstuck was to finally throw out that dusty old piece of furniture and finally start anew, start fresh, as scary as it maybe at first, to truly free yourself, you first had to lose yourself before you could find yourself.

As the oldest child of three siblings I’d always felt like I had to try harder, not because I was older but because it had been drilled into my head that I was the oldest and I had to set a good example and for the most part I had, I’d watched my mother and fathers marriage and I’d swore to myself to never go into a relationship because it felt that’s what was expected of me, there was no real love there, any fool could see, but they stayed together despite there been no real connection, why? I guess both for different reasons, she’d stayed out of comfort and mostly because what would the neighbours say if her idyllic life wasn’t so idyllic after all and he, well he knew he was punching well above his weight, when he had met her, she was a catch or so I’d heard down the years but watching them together from the outside made no sense there was never any real sustenance to their relationship, I suppose that’s why I ended up dating Tom, he lived on our street, his family was a well respected part of the community, my mother had repeatedly told me that at my young age of 16 I’d do no better, so I had took a chance on Tom, it wasn’t great but it would do, after all my mother seemed to manage just fine with a man she didn’t really care for so why couldn’t I do the same.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was fine, after all most people live just a mediocre life, never finding true happiness, my mother repeatedly told me that happiness was a fairy tale, a myth, it resembled a unicorn—I’d never expected to find my unicorn because unicorns didn’t exist, but the day I fell at Hunters feet I met my unicorn, he wasn’t a myth or a dream I’d dreamed up in my head, he was real and internally I felt some sick sort of satisfaction that my mother was wrong, happiness wasn’t a unicorn, in fact it was something you’d find in the most unlikely of places.

When I started college I sent the odd letter home, but I hadn’t been back in years, I’d learnt long ago that in order to find myself I had to be away from toxicity, that’s what they were—toxic. My mother was never happy unless she was putting you down and she did it in a way that you’d actually believe the lies she told you, don’t get me wrong I loved her, I just couldn’t be near her, she’d crushed me for most of my childhood and going to college had gave me the time to realise that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, that I was fine just the way I was, I never realised how much trauma she’d actually instilled into my tiny brain that was impressionable until I was away from her, my father didn’t share the same sentiments, but he also never spoke up to her either, he resembled a shrinking flower, ‘yes dear this, and yes dear that’, he thought if he acted like the perfect husband she’d never leave him and that had worked for thirty years, so I guess his master plan had kept him in his loveless marriage, I definitely didn’t want to follow suit, what is the point in being alive if your just going to be miserable?

So, here I was reminiscing about my traumatic childhood, the miserable relationship I’d stuck with for five years out of duty and a man who had made me happier in six months than I’d been through the entire course of my life, I didn’t know where our story was going to go, but as I looked at my ceiling I smiled, because right now, as long as I had Hunter I didn’t care, because despite the risk I knew I was falling for him.

ping

Goodnight Miss Mcvay 

Looking at his text, I smile, I couldn’t for the life of me think why he would call me by my last name, but he’d done it since day one, it was strange how my last name had suddenly become a cute pet name, it always made me smile, reading his text I could almost hear his husky voice wishing me goodnight.

Goodnight Hunter

Closing my eyes, I finally find the peace to allow my body to rest and to sink into a peaceful slumber with thoughts of Hunter running through my mind before the darkness finally takes me.