John The Religion Collector

John The Religion Collector

It was raining and John was bored. He walked around the back of the crematorium and lit up a cigarette. He gave up smoking two years ago but felt that on a day like this he deserved a drag. He wished he’d worn his dark green winter coat, but he had to wear black, so was wearing a hired black suit. He also wished he wasn’t there, complete waste of a day, but it was his dad’s funeral so deep down he knew he had to.

John hadn’t seen his dad for around six months and had never really got on with him. They struggled to converse, he always felt his dad wasn’t interested in him, so after years of trying to get an ounce of attention from him, a well done or even a pat on the back, he just gave up. John realised that it wasn’t in his father’s makeup, he wasn’t a sentimental or emotional man. He was originally from Yorkshire so could often be heard saying, “I say what I like, and I like what I bloody well say.” He was like granite, physically and emotionally.

The funeral was dull with a poor turnout. A disappointing way to go out, but John thought that his dad probably wouldn’t have cared. The crematorium was well decorated and looked welcoming, but the weather put paid to anyone hanging around after the funeral to talk, everyone just ran back to their cars.

The wake was at his mother’s house and only around fifteen people made it there, mainly close family. His mother had made some sandwiches and bought some cakes, but it wasn’t going to win any awards. It was dull, no alcohol, just tea and coffee. He had already decided to pick up some beers on his way home. He promised to call his mother in a week or so, but he didn’t bother.

Only a year later, John’s poor mother had died. She succumbed to lung cancer, she had smoked like a 60’s gangster for 55 years, so it was no surprise. John was now an orphan. He was 55 and alone, other than his loving dog, Ben. At the funeral he felt cold and emotional. When he drove home, he listened to The Streets (Empty Cans), the lyrics hit his mood like a dagger to the heart.

“The end of the something I did not want to end

Beginning of hard times to come

But something that was not meant to be is done

And this is the start of what was"

He was an only child and grew up in a family that rarely socialised with other family members. He felt a little lost and wasn’t sure what to do with himself. John had a few hobbies but not too many friends, as he got older his tolerance for people got lower and lower. John was married once, it only lasted six years, but it was long enough for him to not want to do it again. Fortunately, they didn’t have children, but it didn’t stop her from trying to take everything he had.

He would take his dog, Ben out for walks but would deliberately avoid other dog walkers. He felt that talking to them drained his energy, like kryptonite to his superpower of loneliness. The last dog walker he reluctantly spoke to was a spinster called Sue, she had a golden retriever called Harvey. The dog was lovely, but Sue had missed the queue when personalities were being handed out, what a bore, she kept talking about the vet draining her dog’s anal glands. Ben was a gorgeous brown Labrador; he was quite lazy so suited John’s lacklustre attitude to exercise.

Accents annoyed him, opinionated people annoyed him, a lack of a sense of humour annoyed him, in fact anyone that didn’t agree with him or failed to laugh at his jokes annoyed him. John was a miserable sod, but he liked it that way, he was like a jar of marmite, he was an acquired taste.

A few months later John had to go into town to pick up some bits and bobs, when he got home two middle aged women approached him as he walked to his front door. They introduced themselves as Jehovah Witnesses and tried to talk to John about how the end of the world is near and that Gods kingdom will soon rule over the earth. Apparently, they will be the only people left when the world ends, that was not a great selling point from the two women dressed like refugees from Serbia in the 90’s.

He was handed a pamphlet called the Watchtower, but they called it a leaflet and that annoyed him. It had several pages, so it was clearly a pamphlet. It took John about thirty seconds to shut his front door and throw the Watchtower pamphlet in his bin. John was very particular, and a faux pas like that was enough for him to rule any of that malarkey out.

However, from that resulting incident it made the lonely middle-aged man think about religion. He had never been religious and thought that the presence of a god was a little far fetched. He’d watched a lot of documentaries on the the Big Bang as couldn’t figure out where God belonged in it. He wondered whether God had instigated the Big Bang, and if he ruled over all the other planets, however, it was a bit much for him to believe or even suspect that to be true. He didn’t like labels but at a push he would be called an atheist, however, as he wasn’t sure and sat on the fence, he may call himself an agnostic.

That wasn’t the point, John needed something in his life. He wanted to be part of something, and he had never been a huge sports fan so religion was a hobby he could get involved in, and maybe somewhere down the line he may be convinced enough to believe. He adored his dog, Ben, but felt he needed something else to fill his time. He had retired from the Fire Brigade and was living off his pension, he considered looking for another job but wanted to have a rest before committing to anything else.

John opened up his laptop and Googled “religions”and spent a few hours learning about the so-called main religions. He started with Christianity, then Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism and Buddhism. There was so much information to take in, and there were all of the different groups within the religions. For example, Christianity has Catholics, Protestants, Baptists, Methodists, Seven Day Activists, Plymouth Brethren and Quakerism (plus many more). He couldn’t experience all of them so had a look online at which ones were local, and which one sounded more fun and interesting.

John did some research and found that Christians learn about the life and teachings of Jesus Christ, and believe he is the Son of God, with over 2.2 billion followers. A popular religion he thought, that’s a lot of people to be wrong. John realised he lived very close to a Quaker meeting room; he looked into them and found that they sit in a circle in silence. He liked the sound of that, plus he was a big fan of porridge, and thought that they might serve some up during prayer time.

Quakers focus on peace, equality and direct experience of the divine, they also focus on social justice activism. They don’t use a priest or have elaborate rituals and everyone is treated with respect and dignity. They are simple people, who dress and live modestly, they encourage individual spiritual journeys and reflection. John liked what he was reading, he had already ticked a number of these boxes.

He had chosen the following weekend to go to his first meeting, it was on a Sunday morning, and he wore trousers and a jumper. There was plenty of parking and a few people were waiting outside for the attendees. John was greeted by a man in his sixties called Bob, who said,

“Welcome to our meeting room. Please sit wherever you like, and we’ll get started in five minutes.”

John replied,

“Thank you, it’s my first time at a Quaker meeting, so I’m a bit nervous.”

Bob said, “Well there’s nothing to worry about, it’s just great that you have come. If you just want to observe, then that’s perfectly fine. Come in and make yourself comfortable.”

John thanked him and walked in; he quickly scanned the smallish room where there were around thirty seats. It was already half full, so he looked down and scampered over to the corner where it was empty. He sat down and looked over at the group, they were mostly people over 50, there was a couple with a toddler, and they were trying to keep him calm. A few people were having whispered conversations and then Bob came in and shut the front door and sat down. Some people shut their eyes, some stared into the distance, John wondered what it would be like if someone began to laugh, how would they react?

Then a woman began to speak about a recent connection she believed she had with God. She told a little story lasting no longer than three minutes and then there was silence. A few minutes later, someone else piped up and it continued like that for the rest of the hour, it felt like a battle between silence and noise. At the end people shook hands and some broke into small groups for conversation and John just quietly disappeared.

Later, at home after taking Ben for a walk John sat down and reflected on his first morning as a Quaker. He didn’t want to completely rule it out but also wasn’t convinced it was for him. He made a decision that he would attend again the following Sunday to see if it grew on him. He liked the way he was left alone and that there were no open prayers or hymns, he’d always felt that side of things was old fashioned and not necessary. He remembered that when he was at school every Christmas there would be a compulsory church service which he found stuffy and boring. He remembered the architecture of the church and how impressive it was, it always reminded him of a medieval castle and in his head, he would imagine sword fighting intruders instead of listening to the priest.

John continued going for a few months but didn’t have a spiritual connection with God to share with the group. He did become friends with a few of the patrons. There was a barbecue one summer’s day and he reluctantly attended. He was pleased with himself afterwards as he met some new friends. One of the ladies was a current firefighter, her name was Lily, and they swapped war stories and talked about people they both knew. It was good fun and some of the guys loved listening to his stories of emergencies he attended over his thirty years.

He liked what the Quaker’s stood for, but he just didn’t have the connection and belief that they had. He had listened to many stories but after a while he found them stretching for acceptance. Many weren’t relatable and some were just people wanting to share something. After a while, John decided not to return to the Quakers, but he stayed in contact with his new friends. They promised to invite him to their summer barbecues, but he never did receive any porridge.

Next up he decided to investigate Hinduism. He did his research via Google and found out that there is no single founder, it encompasses traditions, philosophies, and deities. One of the main concepts of the religion that interested John was the Karma aspect. Karma is the principle of cause and effect, where actions have influences. John liked that, which he believed went hand in hand with integrity, “doing the right thing even when no body is watching.” Their festivities such as Diwali looked fun and their temples looked incredible, he even liked the music.

John found a temple in the next town which was around twenty minutes away. It was open every day, however a lot of followers pray from home. People have their own shrine’s and make offerings whilst praying as a family or individually. He knew he wouldn’t be able to pray at home unless his visits to the temple really reeled him in.

He decided to attend the following Sunday, he wore a plain white shirt and black trousers with matching black socks. When he arrived, there were some families in front of him, so he followed their example. He walked up to the entrance and took his shoes off; he bowed his head and found a quiet space to knee down and “pray” however he wasn’t praying, he was watching everyone else.

He found the worshiper's devotion and respect amazing; they almost had a glow about them. Everyone bought some fruit or flowers to offer the deities. The murti (statues of deities) were incredible and some people were walking around it, reciting mantras. Some people were praying quietly and some loudly and there was a lovely buzz in the room which had a nice vibe.

When the service began there was a ritual with light (arati) led by the Brahmin priest. It was quite an experience for John and afterwards he was spoken to by many of the local devotees. They were extremely friendly and polite and were interested why an Englishman in his fifties had suddenly appeared at their temple. John explained that he had recently lost his parents and was looking for a purpose, something to make him feel more human. They told him he was most welcome to come again as they attended every Sunday. They explained that their goal is to have “darshan” which is to see the deity and be seen by them. They wanted to experience a sense of connection and blessings.

After several weeks of attending the temple, John befriended a man in his late thirties called Ashwin. Ash (as he wanted to be known) was a chemist and was brought up by strict Hindu parents. He had a lovely wife called Kiara and a very young daughter called Adi, they were a lovely family and taught John a lot about the religion, they prayed several times a day, but only once a week at the temple. Ash was good fun and enjoyed the fact that there was a non-Indian at the temple. Kiara invited John to their home for food and prayers which John loved and felt extremely privileged. His favourite dish was the dessert Puran poli, this is a sweet Indian flat bread which he found addictive.

He wasn’t a father but loved playing around with Adi, she loved gymnastics and would often show off her new skills to applause and laughter. She was like a whirlwind and had so much energy it exhausted the adults who were just watching the acrobatics.

Alcohol is permitted; however, it is viewed as a potential obstacle to self control and mindfulness, but Ash didn’t mind. It turned out that Ash liked a night out and after he graduated from university his partying lifestyle ended abruptly. His family and friends were strict followers of their religion so rarely drank alcohol. Ash saw John as a gateway to good times. He got himself a dog and would meet up with John for walks and a few beers in the pub afterwards.

It didn’t take too long for Ash to get himself into bother with his wife and then his family. They didn’t like Ash drinking, so the pub escapades had to come to an end, he was ashamed like a naughty schoolboy. John was fine by it, but he did feel like a bad influence. To make up for his misdemeanour he invited the family to his home for a traditional Sunday Roast Chicken. They had a wonderful time, and he felt like he had made friends for life but had a big confession to make, he admitted that he wasn’t going to continue his pursuit of Hinduism, Ash and his family laughed and told him to not take life too seriously.

John took a few months to look at another religion as he was still disappointed with himself about the way he couldn’t connect with Hinduism. He began to volunteer for a few charities which gave him things to do, one was to help youngsters with their mental health. The founder had initiated the charity based on Free Running, an urban exercise by getting from A to B in any inventive way possible. It was great as they all met up in different parts of the town and had, companionship, exercise and a group to feel part of. John was the Chair of the charity and had plenty of arrangements to make and meetings to attend. He enjoyed helping and met some nice people through his work, especially through the local council. There was one woman who was a widow and slightly older than John, he took a shine to her, but she was too shy to notice, her name was Vikki.

He still had time on his hands and wanted back in. He wanted a new religion; this time it was going to be Islam. He done his due diligence and already had some knowledge of Islam. He had a few old school mates who were Muslims and understood about their prayers and that Friday was a big day for them at the mosque. He also knew that there were a lot of restrictions on what he loved doing. He would have to refrain from drinking and would have to stop eating pig related food, that’s bacon, sausages, pork chops, ham, gammon, and roast pork, these were his favourites.

These restrictions had already put a serious doubt into his chances of succeeding as a Muslim, but he thought the least he could do was attend his local mosque on Friday lunchtime and see what it was like in person. He knew he would have to wear something neutral and conservative, but he went prepared. The mosque wasn’t a purpose-built mosque it was in fact an adult education centre which they had rented and adapted.

He drove to the mosque and walked in with many other men on the Friday lunchtime. They were a friendly bunch from young men to the elders. There was a place he had to take his shoes off and some people were washing their feet. There was a lot of chanting and greetings about Allah, but John couldn’t understand them as he didn’t speak Arabic. He looked around the room and saw the dedication of the men and was intrigued about their beliefs and faith. There is a peacefulness to people who believe there is a better life for them after death.

John met Raffia through Imran who worked at a local school. She was great and spent time with John explaining the importance of the history of Islam and their love for Mohammed. She condoned the extremists but also defended them by explaining that from an extremely young age they have their faith drilled into them. They are all passionate about it, but some take it too far.

Imran was a keen cricketer, and he even convinced the non sporty John to go along and watch. It was a great afternoon out, there were plenty of people which were mainly family members, there was drink and food available. John got so into it that one day Simon, a batsman was ill, and John was persuaded to join in for the game. He hadn’t played since his school days but had a great time.

John, once again, threw in the towel for his new religion but loved the cricket days with Imran and his family. He eventually stayed with the team for the rest of the season and for the foreseeable future, but, unfortunately, he couldn’t commit to Islam, he loved bacon baguettes too much.

John’s next religion was going to be Buddhism. His nearest temple was in Brighton which was around thirty minutes from home. He looked it up on Google and read that meditation is a large part, it focuses on breathing and familiarising themselves with the core teaching such as the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold path. John was already aware of the Buddhist Monks and the Dalai Lama, from TV programs, but this wasn’t the reality.

John could see that there were similarities to Hinduism. The diet consisted mainly vegetables, alcohol was frowned upon, and meditation and karma played a huge part. Both religions allow prayers at home and in the temple. John’s research showed him that wearing modest clothing was appropriate as long as it wasn’t black, shoes had to be taken off and placing your hands together and bowing was a sign of respect.

John decided to give the Wat Thai Brighton Buddhist Temple a shot. Mainly because it’s strap-line was “Have a Buddhaful Day.”

Simple but brilliant. It seemed such a beautiful and calm place that John was really looking forward to it. However, the centre offered practice sessions via Zoom for those interested in learning and practising Buddhism, which John thought he’d sign up for.

The Zoom sessions were slow but interesting and John learned a lot. After a month he decided to visit the temple in person. He was better prepared than the other religions he had tried but he was still nervous. On arrival he could see the Buddhist monks wearing their orange robes and he couldn’t stop thinking about the movie The Shaolin Monk. He was half expecting them to break out into the song, “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting.” Fortunately, they didn’t, and John was able to withhold his laughter.

He really liked it there, as soon as he got into the temple he could feel the calmness, it felt relaxing and unpretentious. There wasn’t much in the way of conversation, but John liked that. He still struggled with meditation, every time he tried, he just kept thinking about the various jobs he had to do around the house. John realised it was because he wasn’t a true believer, he watched the kind and caring people give gifts and bow down praying for a better world. John could repeat the prayers and mimic their movements, but he just didn’t have it inside him to truly commit.

John met a younger man at the temple who was also new. He was born and raised in Brighton and was a bit of a hippie, so Buddhism seemed a good fit. His name was Geoff, and he told John after prayer that he used to be a tearaway, he looked a little lost, as though he was searching for acceptance.

“Hi there, I’m Geoff. I’m from Brighton. What’s your name?” Said Geoff in a rushed manner like he only had a short time to get his words out.

“Hi Geoff, I’m John, it’s nice to meet you. Are you a newbie like me?”

“Yes John, I was part of a few bands and played the bongos, but it didn’t really work out. I got into a bit of bother with drugs, but I’m clean now. It’s great here, isn’t it? I’m looking to find myself. Why are you here?”

John was a little flabbergasted by his initial conversation with Geoff and put it down to nerves. They spoke for around half an hour and John ended up really liking Geoff’s honesty and vulnerability. Whilst they were talking another man came over to get into his car. Before the poor man could drive away, Geoff had brought him into the conversation. He was Vin, he lived in Burgess Hill and had been coming to the temple since he was a baby. Vin was really helpful and gave both newcomers plenty of advice and tips.

Vin was also into cricket and played for his local team. The three men developed a friendship over the next few months and all supported each other just by listening to each other’s issues. Vin was very open with his beliefs and talked about some difficult times growing up a Buddhist in an English town. Geoff had earned the support and love he needed and was thriving in his new job as a sign writer.

John continued to attend once a week for around six months, but he was never lucky enough to feel the hand of a “devas”. After one last visit, John sat Geoff and Vin down and explained that he would not be coming back. Both guys were upset but understood his prerogative, they agreed to stay in touch. John was gutted but had to be true to his values, it felt like breaking up with a girlfriend, it hurt, so he had a period of mourning.

The last religion that interested John was Sikhism. He conducted his usual Google research and discovered what a giving and charitable religion it is. Faith and meditation were the primary aspects, so poor John was back to his nemesis, meditation. To clear one’s mind is not an easy task and no matter how often John tried it, his mind wondered onto trivial things like, what should he have for dinner.

Sikh’s mainly stick to a vegetarian lifestyle and alcohol and tobacco are prohibited. John liked the sound of Karah Parshad which is a dish offered to all and made of butter, flour, sugar and water. Once he made it, he loved it and has cooked it ever since. The Sikhs believe in reincarnation; therefore, karma plays a huge role in how they live their lives; no body wants to come back as a dung beetle.

Becoming a Sikh needs commitment and formality, there is an initiation called Amrit which requires a person to drink Amrit and have it poured over their head and eyes. The hair must be uncut, and men had to carry a Kirpan (ceremonial sword). With the nearest temple being in Essex, it was too far to travel on a weekly basis and the wearing of a turban wasn’t something he wanted to do. Unfortunately, Sikhism was ruled out before it was even started.

Once again it was just John and his dog. His search was wide and far but he had come to the conclusion that religion just wasn’t for him. He didn’t know what else he could have done. He was polite, friendly and respectful but over the last few years religion proved out of his league. He took Ben for a walk and watched the sunset whist he sat on the bench, he contemplated life and thought about how he could help more people through his charity work. A short while later Ash turned up with his dog and they went for a slow walk around the lake.

John decided to train as a level two fitness instructor so he could help run the Free Running sessions for the charity. Geoff and his girlfriend became members and enjoyed sessions. After the first session John ran on his own, he was invited to become Geoff’s best man at his forthcoming wedding with Sam.

As Ben got older, he moved less and didn’t need too much exercise. It was sad to see his only family member deteriorate but people and animals can’t live forever. To perk him up Keira made him some of his favourite dessert Puran poli, which he devoured.

At the weekend he still played cricket with Imran, and he still continued his insightful conversations with Raffia whilst he waited to go into bat. The following day he was invited to a summer barbecue with Bob from the Quakers. He nervously invited Vikki along who’d he had met via his charity work, he was over the moon that she agreed, he suddenly felt that his luck was changing. They got on really well and had so much in common, she loved his stories about his search for a religion, she joked that if Karma does exist, John would probably come back as a mighty dragon fly.

After the barbecue, John was driving Vikki home, he had a backseat full of leftovers given to him from Lily the firefighter. She gave him a bottle of wine, bread rolls, sausages and a tub of potato salad (but still no porridge). Vikki asked him how he knew so many great people, he said he just searching for God, but he found something else.

Just as he got near to Vikki’s house, he noticed the same two Jehovah’s Witnesses walking down the road. John pulled over, got out and said,

“Hi, do you remember me? We spoke a few years ago. I was the one annoyed about the leaflet/pamphlet debacle.”

“Oh yes, I remember you. Have you changed your mind? Do you want to join us?

John smiled and said,

“Thank you for the offer, but I just wanted to give you this bottle of wine. Maybe you can enjoy it after your shift.”

“Oh my, thank you. What have we done to deserve this generosity?”

John handed over the wine and said,

“Let’s just say, you helped me more than you will ever know.

Thank you.”

With that, John got back into the car and drove Vikki home.

Vikki said, “Were they Jehovah Witnesses? They always call round at the wrong time.”

John looked at Vikki, squeezed her hand, smiled, and said,