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Violet searched her mind for a guess about what that might mean. She remembered learning about asexual plant and sea-life in biology. These were organisms which were able to reproduce on their own, almost like making a copy of themselves.She wondered how that might be possible in humans and tuned back into Jess's words just in time to hear.“Asexuality,” Jess continued, “is a lack of sexual attraction or desire, or to some people, the absence of a sexual orientation altogether.” She clicked to the next slide. “Obviously, this acronym is really just an umbrella term to encompass a wide range of identities, and each of these letters hosts a plethora of subcategories which are far more likely to resonate with any of your particular preferences. The important thing here is that all of these identities are valid and that we work together to create a safe and inclusive community for everyone at Northridge High School,” Jess finalized her speech and reached the end of her presentation. A few voices hooted and clapped for her as she began to exit out of the slides on Ms. Elliot’s screen.“Thank you all again for coming to our first meeting. We still have the space until three-thirty, so please feel free to hang out, get to know one another, and eat some snacks. We are planning on hosting our next meeting in two weeks. We want to present a couple of different charity organizations that assist in supporting the LGBTQ+ community and possibly do some planning for a fundraiser to raise awareness for the new club and also to raise some money for a worthy cause,” Ms. Elliot explained.“Oh, and we have tons of other things planned, like watching some documentaries and hosting round-tables with student council and school officials for the sake of starting a conversation, so if you want to help with the planning and take a bigger role in the group, please let me know! We’re just starting out so we need all the help we can find!” Jess added her comments frantically as the group’s attention dissipated.&nbsp;The room around her moved quickly as she tried to slow her mind and focus back on what Jess had said.The lack of sexual attraction, she repeated. There’s a name for it?“Hey,” Dani turned in their chair to look at Violet, “Where’s Tanner? I thought he was coming?”Violet shrugged. “He had an interview last minute.” Though her body language was relaxed, her voice crackled with a bitter venom.“Woof, you okay?” Dani asked. Violet noticed Neil slightly turning to eavesdrop on their conversation as he would never want to actively participate in a conversation with Violet.Violet laughed nervously. While she’d grown to consider Dani a friend, she still wasn’t sure if they would be on her side in this particular matter, “Um,” she decided to answer carefully, “we got into a bit of an argument before the meeting.”“Really? What happened?” Dani inquired, ignoring Neil turning further to pay closer attention.&nbsp;Violet felt her skin darkening with the red flush of embarrassment, mixed with the burning eyes of the now engrossed Yvonne and Emmy who had originally been glancing around the room, she felt hot and a little dizzy making the announcement. Even if Dani wasn’t with her, at least Emmy and Yvonne would be.“Well,” she slowed and quieted her voice, “I sent him some pictures last weekend, and I, um… found them open on his phone... after he said he deleted them.”Neil jumped to Tanner’s defense rather quickly. “Why were you going through his phone?”&nbsp;Violet jumped to her own defense even quicker. “I wasn’t! He said I could check the texts from his dad for the place he was interviewing at and it was just there when I unlocked his phone!” she replied so quickly, she wasn’t sure if it made her sound more guilty or less. She immediately questioned the details she considered important enough to include, but instead of continuing, she quieted. Tanner was the one who had done something wrong, not her. She didn’t need to defend herself.In the silence, Emmy spoke first. “What a dickhead,” she said.Violet’s eyes immediately flashed to Neil’s who had his eyes staring hard at her, angry.“Actually yeah, that’s a total dickhead move,” Dani said. Violet didn’t mind losing the staring competition to turn her attention to them.&nbsp;“Agreed. Super skeezy,” Yvonne added.“I,” Violet had finally relaxed enough to feel candid, even with Neil there. He could take anything she said back to Tanner and she wouldn’t care. He hurt her, and she was allowed to be upset. “I don’t know what to do,” she finished. “He just walked away and said we could talk about it later, but honestly, I don’t want to talk to him. The more I’m thinking about it, the more I just want him to stay away from me for a while.”“Then make him stay away,” Dani affirmed.Violet nodded slightly. “You really think so?” She could feel the subtext of her question slipping out, which Dani addressed immediately.“He’s my friend, and I love the guy, but that’s a dick head move,” they flashed their eyes to Emmy who gave a satisfied smile, “he broke your trust, now you get to choose how to go forward. If I were in your position, I would be pissed.” They sipped from a styrofoam cup of a dark soda, still resting on their table. Neil didn’t appear particularly upset, nor particularly chipper. Violet wondered if he was more excited at her misery or more disappointed in everyone talking badly about Tanner.The rustling sound of paper plates and cups crashing into the base of the tiny gray trash cans one after another signaled the exit of several group members, some thanking Jess for her presentation as she folded up bags of chips and dumped extra cups of soda and lemonade down the drains at the lab table sinks.Neveah appeared among Violet’s little group huddled in the back of the classroom, holding a bag of kettle-cooked chips Jess had handed off to her as left-overs and tapped her brother on the shoulder. “You ready to go?” she asked. Looking at her was like seeing Neil smile sincerely, which gave Violet an uneasy feeling.“Yeah,” he said, pushing himself up and out of the chair, nodding at Dani directly before shuffling after his sister with his hands in his pockets.“He creeps me out,” Emmy admitted as he left earshot.Violet shrugged; she didn’t quite want to defend him, but after today she felt for a moment she understood him a little better. Though she didn’t necessarily appreciate the way he interacted with her, she had maybe garnered just a little inch of sympathy for him, especially when considering that if Neil was interested in a romantic relationship with Tanner, Tanner wouldn’t be reciprocating those feelings. Even if Tanner and Violet broke up, he wasn’t sexually attracted to men, and as it would appear, neither was Violet.The meeting officially ended seven minutes early when Jess and Ms. Elliot were the only people remaining in the room, feeling satisfied with what they’d done and excitedly talking about the turn-out and planning for their next meeting.Violet waved goodbye to her friends who all filtered into their respective cars and drove away. She plopped into her driver’s seat, and looked out her windshield at the mostly empty parking lot. A small portion of the lot was still full with the cars of the basketball players, practicing for their last games of the season, and one remaining vehicle housed the silhouettes of two students evidently attached at the mouth.She turned her head in the opposite direction and started her car, but didn’t shift into drive just yet. She was clearly distracted with this idea in her head, and her curiosity couldn’t wait until she arrived at home.She pulled her phone out of her back pocket, shimmying slightly in her seat so it could wiggle out. She turned the screen on and tapped on her search bar, taking note of the absence of notifications on her messaging app. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t make her feel any sort of way.“Define asexual,” she typed, whispering the words slowly as each letter appeared, with no hesitation as she clicked search, anticipating the results.&nbsp;asexualnouna person who has no sexual feelings or desires, or who is not sexually attracted to anyone.&nbsp;Exactly what Jess had said. She scrolled a little further in her search results, absorbing the little details that stuck out in the subheadings of every search result.&nbsp;Also known as “ace”.Different from celibacy or sexual abstinenceMay still be considered straight, gay, or bi because sexual attraction is only one of many types of attraction.Most popular asexual community:&nbsp;Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)&nbsp;As she continued scrolling, she felt somewhat lighter. Every tid-bit she read, every line her eyes scanned, prompted that unforgiving little voice in the back of her head to scream at her.Yes.Yes.Exactly.Yes.That’s just like me.I’m just like that.Yes.The next line that caught her attention had her tapping immediately. A question now tap dancing around with that voice in her brain.&nbsp;How do I know if I’m asexual?&nbsp;The link swapped the page of search results out for a colorful slides presentation. Her eyes drank in every bit of information they could, it was as though they had been starved for this knowledge and every line, word, and letter gave her bursts of energy to keep reading until she felt fulfilled, even happy.&nbsp;Someone can still be attracted to someone even if they don’t like or want to have sex. Some asexuals may still engage in sexual acts. Others may not. Being ace just means you don’t desire sex.Approximately 1% of people are asexual (Seventy-five MILLION people).&nbsp;But the big, bolded words at the top of the next slide really hit her the hardest.&nbsp;Asexuality is completely normal.She had no concept of the time that passed as she sat in her car, scrolling through links and slides and articles. It could have been anything from a few minutes to several days as she consumed herself in this new fascinating information. Every testimonial she read boosted her confidence.&nbsp;I felt so broken for so long.It’s hard to set boundaries with partners.I felt ostracized and pressured by the culture around me.&nbsp;She looked up and out her window at the setting sun. It had been nearly an hour since just sitting in her car. The sun set&nbsp;so early in these winter months, and the darkening sky prompted her to refocus on getting home, she just hoped everything would still be there to read in the ten minutes it would take her to get home. She was almost afraid to stop looking, fearing it was all a strange dream that she would escape once she blinked and realized she’d been in bed this whole time, but that wasn’t the case. Sitting there, staring into the orangey-yellow clouds, it was like floating. She strapped her seatbelt over her chest, feeling as light as she did, she didn’t want to risk simply floating away.Then she was brought back down to Earth with a harsh vibration.&nbsp;TANNERCan we talk?

Fake It Till You Make It

BR.Quinn

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Brianna Rae Quinn

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