The Jagged Edge of Sanity

Silk Town Underground.

Penny, Sal and Dane were excited, they had just finished college and were now ready to pick a university. None of them had ever lived outside of the Horsham area before and were unsure where to go. Penny was interested in the Performing Arts, Sal wanted to study engineering and Dane wanted to learn about Animal Management. The University of Chichester had hit their interest, it was close to home, and it covered the subjects they were interested in. 

Whilst sat in Koffie, a beautiful little cafe in Horsham Park, they were discussing their futures and the various universities they could attend. Dane was fairly easy going and wanted to go somewhere with a good educational reputation but also a great social side. He also didn’t want the expenses to add up, so avoiding accommodation costs was a bonus. 

Dane said, “Okay guys, I know you have big ambitions and are looking all around the country at your options but let’s not dismiss a university that’s less than an hour away. We should drive to Chichester, have a look around the city, have lunch and get a feel for the place. 

What do you think?”

Penny, who was the sensible one said,

“Yes, I agree, it’s a lovely area and the campus looks great. We’ve got plenty of time on our hands, why don’t we go on Friday?”

Sal, who was just chilling out, watching the birds in the park, whilst sipping his hot chocolate said,

“Chichester? I think I went there when I was a kid with my parents, it seemed nice, but I want a bit more going on. I’ll come for a look and check it out with you; it’s something to do.”

Not exactly the overwhelming response Dane was hoping for, but he got what he wanted, a day trip to Chichester. At worst, he would at least have a nice lunch and a walk around a cathedral. 

On Friday morning, Dane picked his friends up and they headed to Chichester. It was hot but not too sunny, Dane was wearing his Horsham FC bucket hat just in case, he hated getting burnt. On the way down they were all in good spirits, they were singing along to the greatest hits of Britpop and getting into the student mood. Then Dane introduced them to Ren, the musician from Brighton with his Bardcore style, he mixes tragedy with his beats, little did they know, they were going to experience their own version of that soon enough.

Once parked up in the city centre they thought the obvious thing to do was have a look around the cathedral. They loved it, even though none of them were church goers. It was originally built from 1075, almost a millennium ago, after the Norman Conquest. The cathedral was huge with amazing artwork and stained glass. They also had a few exhibitions on; Dane enjoyed the Religion, Rebellion and Reformation exhibit and Sal loved the sculptures by Elisabeth Frink. Afterwards they enjoyed a walk around the walled cathedral gardens (Bishops Palace Garden). It was full of youngsters enjoying picnics and relaxing.

With the weather getting warmer and with all of the walking, they needed to sit down and have a drink. They found a nice cafe called the Boston Tea Party. It was great, they had smoothies and toasted sandwiches and watched the world go by. People watching was their forte. A few hipsters were eating nearby; they were discussing unusual ways to tell the time. 

“Timothy, nobody says 45 minutes to, they say quarter past. That’s crazy. Who taught you that?”

Dane whispered to Sal and Penny, 

“So, it’s not all about veganism and planning to stop oil!”

Just then, three women in their late thirties/early forties walked past. They were all well dressed with expensive handbags and watches. They’d clearly had a posh brunch somewhere as they were a little wobbly on their feet whilst clambering into a taxi with their shopping bags. It was like a scene from Absolutely Fabulous.

Next up they thought they’d check out the Novium Museum, after all, it was free. Initially it started off well, there was a display of Chichester’s rich Roman history, including the remains of a Roman bath house. They then took the lift to the second floor where there was a whole floor on “Hurray for Shippam’s”. A celebration on the potted meat pioneers founded in Chichester in 1787. None of the trio had heard of the Shippam’s and walked around it quicker than the Olympic 100 metre final. At first glance Penny thought it was an odd exhibit for the mass murderer, Dr Harold Shipman, which in a strange way, they all thought that it would have been much more interesting.

They left to make their way to the stairs and in the corridor was a viewing platform which overlooked the cathedral and other rooftops. This they thought was definitely worth the visit. With the sun shining and blue sky in the distance it was a fantastic place to take some photos.

Sal looked over to the right and could see a hat lying on the flat roof of an adjacent building. The hat was a yellow cap, there were letters on it, but it wasn’t completely visible, it read ‘SWI’, but the rest was at the wrong angle, so impossible to see. Sal pointed it out to the others, and they all looked over and thought it was weird. They wondered where the hat had come from and why someone had been on the roof. Then Penny looked further down and saw a rope attached to a railing and hanging over the side. It looked as though it was weighted down as the rope was taut and not moving. It intrigued them and they wanted to find out. They looked around at the other buildings to see if they would be able to find another viewpoint, but it didn’t look possible, and it definitely wouldn’t be visible from the ground. Penny loved a mystery, so did her best Miss Marple impression and took charge.

They decided to leave the museum and walk around to see where they could go for a better view. After around a quarter of an hour they realised that their only option was to scale a garage roof and work their way up to give them the angle they needed. The longer they left it the more extreme the reason of the hat and rope became. They had convinced themselves that there was a body on the other end, had someone committed suicide or was there a murder. Their hearts were racing, and they didn’t know whether to call the police, but they refrained from a 999 call as it could be something completely unrelated and innocent, instead the most mobile and energetic member of the trio, Penny, decided to climb up.

The boys grabbed a nearby wheelie bin and leant it against the side of the garage, the nimble Penny hopped up onto the bin, then pulled herself onto the garage roof, it was old and the tiles were cracked, she had to be careful as she didn’t want to fall through and land inside someone’s property.

Dane said, “Be careful Penny Lane”, an affectionate name her close friends called her. Penny negotiated the obstacles like a cat burglar and was able to climb up another level to get a decent view. By this stage the boys couldn’t see her and waited near the bin and did their best to not look suspicious. Within a few minutes the ex-gymnast, Penny, had taken a few pictures of the mysterious object and had rejoined the lads. She floated down like a feather caught in the breeze; Dane was impressed.

“What was it, Penny? What did you see?” Said Dane.

“Come with me to the bench, I took a few snaps. You can see for yourself, it’s really weird.”

They sat down on a nearby wooden bench and Penny got her sparkly covered mobile phone out. She showed the first picture to the boys, they then flicked to the next shot and then the next, with no one saying anything. The boys just looked at each other, then Penny said,

“It’s weird, isn’t it? At first I didn’t know what I was looking at. Someone has gone to a lot of effort to make a point here, they’re pissed off. There appears to be a battle going on between two groups in Chichester. I don’t know what it means but I think the next clue could be to go to the university campus to find out more.”

The boys had just seen something that they would never forget. It was a mannequin, dressed up like Taylor Swift (the singer) hanging from a rope, with an A4 card hanging from it’s neck saying,

“RIP to the Swifties.”

On the wall behind the mannequin was some pink graffiti which said,

“The Shafties are idiots and Silk is a thicko!”

It was a bizarre sight to see, and they didn’t know what it meant. At first it looked like two rival football teams having a go at each other, but they were pretty sure Taylor Swift was American and not aligned to any local football teams. As for the Shafties, they didn’t understand, and they certainly didn’t know what ‘Silk’ referred to.

The time was now 2pm, so they decided to go to the nearby pub, which was a converted church to have a pint of cider each and discuss their next move. Penny said,

“This is totally bizarre, I’ve just Googled ‘Swifties and Chichester’, and it has come up with an underground group, originally formed by students at the university called, The Swifty Society. It appears they meet up once a week to discuss everything Taylor Swift related, whilst dressing like Taylor and listening to her songs.”

Dane said, “This is horrendous, why would anyone do such a thing?”

Sal nodded his head in agreement and said,

“It’s certainly unusual, but why are they have a street battle with another group? It’s like the Blur and Oasis rivalry back in the 90’s. I don’t get it.”

The Blur/Oasis rivalry was back in the press recently due to the recent Oasis gigs as Noel and Liam had buried their bitterness with the possible intention of paying off some tax bills to the Inland Revenue. There was also a 90’s revival, with Hard-Fi topping the charts and students realising that the new music being developed was utterly useless barring one or two new artists.

Penny said,

“Yeah, I get it, but I’m sure the beef isn’t that bad, anyway you’re always wearing your Ocean Colour Scene t-Shirt. Did you ever get a moped?

“Not yet Penny, but when I do, I’m going to Brighton to ‘have it’ with the Rockers.”

They had decided to attend the university to find out more. It was June so the majority of the students had gone home, but there were still some foreign students milling around and plenty of campus workers. The rivalry was obviously serious, and they didn’t want to go in all guns blazing and upsetting the wrong people.

When they initially got to the campus, they walked around to see if there was anything obvious, there wasn’t. They had stopped and spoken to a number of students who claimed they knew nothing, plus the staff members looked at them with suspicion. The trio thought that if the groups were ‘Underground’ then nobody would be talking about it, they had to be smarter. Whilst there had quite liked what they could see. The university was neat and tidy, well positioned and had an all-round good atmosphere to the place.

They found a café nearby called 17 Grams, an odd name but they soon discovered that a heaped teaspoon of coffee weighs seventeen grams, so perfect for a chain of coffee shops. The trio sat on two separate tables, Penny on one and the boys on another. Penny was the bait; she was going to order a milkshake whilst listening to music from Taylor Swift loudly on her headphones. The boys were going to sit and watch to see if there was going to be any sort of reaction from other diners, it was fairly busy with diners nibbling on their soda bread and avocado sandwiches.

After around ten minutes of Penny bopping her head up and down listening to torturous bubblegum pop music, she was gaining a bit of attention. A fellow diner grabbed their mobile phone and disappeared into the back, then two minutes later two girls in their late teens walked in, one whispered into Penny’s ear, and they all left through the front door. The lads just watched and could see the women having a heated discussion. They didn’t want to get involved just yet and ruin the plan, after all Penny was undercover, but it did have the feel to a Bond movie, one of the rubbish ones, definitely not Skyfall.

A few minutes later, the young women had left, and Penny motioned for the boys to join her outside and they walked around the corner. Penny was excited, her arms were flapping, and she had a silly smile on her face, she said,

“OMG. This is amazing. The girls have just told me off and said it was dangerous to listen to Taylor Swift music in public, as you never know who’s watching. They asked me some rudimentary questions about Swift and then invited me to their Swifty Society gathering tonight at 7pm.”

“Wow, this sounds serious, are you going to attend?” Said Sal.

“Hell yeah. This is crazy. I’ll be able to find out about the beef with the other lot.”

The trio decided that Penny needed to jazz herself up for the evening, so they traveled around the town to look for any bargains or Taylor Swift related get up in the several charity shops adorning the city centre. It took them a while, but they ended up with a head band, garish sunglasses, and a Taylor Swift T-shirt. Penny looked terrible, like an American tourist, but perfect for her mission.

Whilst waiting for 7pm to come the trio went for some dinner and had a discussion on how to play it. Penny was a smart cookie and incredibly witty so the lads were pretty confident that she would be able to deal with most situations. The lads were going to wait in the car around the corner from the meeting place which was a ground floor apartment with a good-sized garden.

Penny recognised the two girls she spoke with earlier turn up, so decided to follow them through the gate into the garden.

The music was on, but not too loud at that point and Penny walked in with confidence. The two girls, Fe and Lorri saw her, and they began to talk. Penny explained that she was in Chichester to check out the university as she had only just completed her A-Levels, Fe and Lori had just finished their first year and they were telling Penny of their experiences. Penny was interested as Chichester had quickly become a serious contender for her to attend in September, the deeper she looked the more intrigued she became. Fe was studying media, and was from Norwich, she was sweet and had a funny accent, Lori was a more streetwise girl from Epsom.

Penny had a great couple of hours, meeting new people, dancing to the Swift, and drinking a few beers. The boys on the other hand were bored. They spent their time listening to Talksport on the radio and trying to find out more about Silk and Shafted. Sal had a feeling that Dane liked Penny, so said,

“Do you think you’ll go to Chichester Uni, or will you just go where Penny goes?”

A stunned Dane replied,

“What are you talking about? I’ll just go where I want to go. I’m not going to follow Penny around like a dog. Why did you say that?”

“I don’t know Dane, I sort of get the feeling that you quite like her.”

Dane quickly laughed it off and changed the subject.

It took them a while but just before Penny returned to the car, they discovered that there was a TV Gameshow called “Shafted” which briefly aired in 2001. It was hosted by the perm-a-tanned Robert Kilroy-Silk, a former university lecturer in politics, a Labour politician and then he tried his luck with TV presenting, he was the UK version of Jerry Springer. They couldn’t figure out what Shafted had to do with the Swifties, it was mind boggling.

“Bang, bang, bang” startled the two boys, it was Penny knocking on the car window. She got in the back and was buzzing. She’d had a great time and had met some lovely people, including a young man called, Brett. She explained how the whole thing was innocent and just a bunch of people mainly girls enjoying everything Taylor Swift related. Apparently the Swifty Society had been initiated ten years ago by students who have long moved on, but its popularity and great reputation have seen it grow ever year. She said she played it cool until the last fifteen minutes after a few people were a bit tipsy and then she mentioned ‘Shafted’.

Penny said the mood suddenly changed and they asked her if she was a journalist or even worse a “Shafty’.

Penny said,

“I had to reassure them that I was just curious and that I meant no harm. A lad called Abu put a bit of pressure on me and then said that the Shafty’s were their enemy and that they would not tolerate anyone affiliated with them.”

Sal pipped up,

“Blimey Penny, this is getting a bit dark, what caused all of the trouble?”

Penny continued,

“It goes back over ten years when Taylor Swift became a big deal on the pop scene. There was already an underground group called the Shafty’s. They were already established from the early noughties, they were super fans of the show ‘Shafted’, hosted by Kilroy-Silk. It proved popular with some, and they loved his famous tagline, ‘Their fate will be in each other’s hands as they decide whether to share or to shaft.”

“What the heck! That’s crazy. What a bizarre situation, who on earth is fronting this group of nutters?” Said Dane whilst negotiating the traffic.

“They don’t know, but I want to find out,” said Penny.

During the drive home they watched various clips on YouTube and Shafted reminded them of a similar Game Show called Golden Balls with Jasper Carrott. The climax of the game is when two contestants are face to face, playing for the money. They can either Share or Shaft, if both Shaft then nobody receives a penny, if they both share then they both go home happy, if one Shares and the other Shafts then the shafter receives ALL of the money. They all agree it’s a decent game, but the studio setting, the host and the music let the show down.

However, enough people in the West Sussex and Hampshire area believe it’s the best thing since sliced bread. Apparently, they use the local clubhouse for their meetings/re-enactments until the Swifties took it over. The Swifties not only stole their area they also threw away part of the studio furniture, such as the plinths for the contestants and the scoreboard. The Swifties just assumed it was left over rubbish from the AmDram club.

The Swifties would hold organised Flash Mobs, under the guise of a random act. They would discretely meet at large events such as football matches, shopping malls and the city centre and perform a choreographed dance performance and disappear into the crowd. They would make it into the newspapers and local radio stations; their marketing was calculated and brought maximum exposure.

The Swifties were loud and obnoxious and would make fun out of the Shafters. The Shafters would end up using public spaces to have their Street Shafted nights, such as car parks, public parks and the local tennis courts. It wouldn’t take long before their location was spread around the city and Swifties found it hilarious to stand in the background mocking them and laughing at their quiz questions. This went on for a long period and the new kids on the block were ruining and destroying what the Shafters had created over ten years, they were like a tsunami of mean girls.

It got to a point and the Shafters couldn’t take it anymore, they snapped. It was time for them to shaft the Swifties.

It started on a small scale, graffiti on the walls ridiculing Taylor Swift, complaining to the clubhouse owners of the noise, and moaning to the university of boisterous and rude behaviour. It was enough to cause them problems and so the tit for tat beef began.

During the exam period at the university the Shafters took it a step further. They donned silver wigs, shiny suits and fake tan and paraded around the university campus. Their mission was to intimidate and destroy the student's concentration during the end of year exams. Callous and mean spirited, but twenty Robert Kilroy-Silk’s walking around anywhere would overawe anyone. Not even Millwall’s top boys would cope! Rumour has it that the university security had to have extra training incase further RK-S incidents happened again.

The Swifties decided they needed to move underground to protect themselves and their education. They wanted the Shafters to believe that they had won the battle, whilst they quietly hatched a plan to rule Chichester and destroy the Shafter’s.

It was enough for Penny, Sal and Dane to make up their minds.

They loved the excitement and were going to join The University of Chichester. It was going to be one hell of a ride.

Dane had dropped Sal off and was driving Penny home, he pulled into her road and said,

“Penny Lane, I need to ask you something, it’s been on my mind for a while now and I didn’t know how to say it.

I’m rubbish at this sort of thing, so I’m just going to blurt it out.

Okay, erm….

I really like you Penny, I mean, I really like you. Will you go out with me?”

Silence. Not a word came from Penny.

“Penny, did you hear me?”

Silence. Dane’s heart dropped and he felt cold.

Dane pulled up outside of Penny’s house. He stopped the car and turned around.

Penny had fallen asleep in the backseat, one to many beers had scuppered Dane’s big moment. He got out of the car and opened her car door; he gently shook her shoulder to wake her. She came round and said,

“Brett, is that you.”

End of Part One.