Whit said I could start where I wanted to in this stupid diary/journal thing, right? How is writing about my day supposed to help me again? Oh, right, because “writing in a diary or journal daily helps some people overcome trauma from their past, process emotions, and change their futures.” I guess there is something cathartic about writing, even if I’m not doing it how she imagined.


The kids are asleep; the husband is sleeping for his shift tonight at the hospital, so now just seems like a good time to get some writing done. My name is Amber; I’m a mother of two, an almost 14-year-old autistic son named Noah, an almost 8-year-old little girl named Emma, and I’m married for 10 years to Brad. We are the perfect, all American, nuclear family; but we’re not.


I’m hiding a secret from my husband and kids, hell even my two dogs aren’t aware of. I’m making plans to divorce him within the next five years. It’s horrible to my kids through something so… painful. But would it not be more painful to continue to hide my unhappiness from them? I don’t want them to think this is how normal relationships are. As much as I love Brad, he and I are not good together anymore.


We often enable each other’s bad habits, don’t have the same opinions about several major things, and I’m wondering why I even married him. That… makes me sound like the worst person on earth, but that’s my current thought process. He and I have both changed… Well, I’ve changed, grown, and in a few ways, Brad has stayed the same. He doesn’t seem to understand that there’s a time for gaming, a time for sex, and a time for working around the house.


Perhaps that makes me sound heartless. I can’t say. But what I can say is I’m not happy in this marriage, so I’ve started going out more. Even taking better care of myself because I got into the habit of ‘what’s the point,’ for a while there and it took a while to pull myself out. Brad and I don’t inspire the best in each other, because we have no genuine desire to. He’s a good man, loyal, kind, and smart, but he’s not the man I need.


I remember a line going around a while back - ‘if he wanted to, he would,’ - and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me. If Brad wanted to help me feel better about myself, he would. If he wants me to know how beautiful he thinks I am, he would say it. Because saying I should ‘know how attractive he finds me’ as he’s ‘always trying to have sexy times’ with me doesn’t make me feel attractive. Saying that line makes me feel like he’s only interested in me for sex now.


So, I asked him to open the marriage, and he agreed. I’m a smiling, and laughing, stay-at-home parent while seeking a new man to take his place because I don’t think what I have with Brad is love. Maybe I should take some more time to think about it, but what would any sensible person do if they no longer feel loved in a relationship? Honestly, I’m wondering if I’ve ever felt the emotion. Been thinking about that a lot.


What makes it especially difficult is figuring out what to do about the kids. I don’t want to take them away from their father because I know how much they love him and he them, but I’m miserable with my husband. There’s some good advice going around the internet that I wish my husband would listen to for once. “Never stop courting your partner.” Mine uses the excuse that I “got him out of the habit of giving compliments,” but what kind of excuse is that?


It’s still somehow making ME responsible for HIS actions and decisions. “If he wanted to, he would.” I understand what people mean when they say that. He doesn’t want to tell me those things. It’s not just about the compliments, the ONLY time he shows me any physical affection is when he wants sex. There’s no romancing, no letting the mood take us there, just “wanna have sex?” or “sexy times?” or some other crude way of asking.


I want to feel romanced; I want to feel like a woman instead of a mother, because even though I am a mother, I still have desires and needs, and he’s not fulfilling them. May I forever be a sinful wife, because I’ve already met a man, his name is Jason, and we’ve been talking for a couple of days. He likes my quirky attitude and I like his flirty personality; the two of us just bounce so well off each other. He even sends me little trinkets that remind him of me, something that’s just so cute.


Today, he sent me this new perfume called ‘Delina,’ to try; the scent is so floral yet sensual that I just love it. I got so many compliments on it from strangers when I went to the store today! Jason wouldn’t tell me where he got the perfume; I wanted to buy some more, so I asked him, but he told me not to worry about it, he’d get it in the future for me. What matters is that he was thinking of me. Isn’t that so sweet? I wish I could see him right now, but I can’t go on dates Tuesday to Saturday because of the kids and Brad’s work schedule.


Does anyone still believe in soulmates or am I the only one? Am I the only person who dreams of meeting that one person who’s my better half, the person who encourages me to be my best self? There’s got to be someone out there who’s going to just connect from the second our eyes meet, someone who will always know just what to say or do to make my heart race. I don’t think it hurts to continue looking for that connection.


I haven’t told Brad about Jason, or Jason about Brad YET. This is one of the many ways I’m sinful. I’m planning to have that conversation with both of them at some point soon, but I know Brad will want to enforce some ground rules and who knows what Jason will think. Arguing is something I want to avoid, though. Jason, Brad, and I are all adults, capable of making this work for all of us.


I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong as far as the open state of my relationship with Brad, right? I guess when I finish discussing the ground rules with Brad, I can then tell Jason about the marriage, and just hope it doesn’t put him off on getting to know me better. Talking with him has been a highlight of my life, and I want to get to know him better.


All I can hope is that the kids will forgive me. I’m not trying to be self-seeking, but I’m a sucker for romance, especially the idea of soulmates, so what am I supposed to do? While I want them to know the stability of home, I also want my kids to see what love should look like, how THEY deserve to be treated in the future, and kids learn by example. 


Disappointed wouldn’t describe how I would feel if my daughter ended up with someone who treated her like her father does me, or if my son treated his future special someone like that. Randomly groping me in front of the kids, making fun of me when I say or do something wrong. They also deserve a father who won’t get annoyed with them trying to show him something when he’s playing video games, and he will sometimes try to ground them for that.


He interacts with them far more than he does with me, but even that’s not much, at least, not good quality interactions, and the bad interactions they’ve had with him are outnumbering the good. And where I’ve gotten to now? I just let him sleep all day if he wants. The kids don’t seem to like him being around anymore either, not that I can blame them there. Okay, harsh, Amber. Especially since you know how much he loves them kids.


I don’t talk to them about him or Jason. My kids don’t know the first things about adult relationships beyond what they see of me and their father, and our relationship is not what I would deem healthy. I mean, I’m planning to divorce him in five years, and have a whole diary to plan how I’m going to do it! These things take time! 


The first thing I have to do is become independent of him, which means I need money. I never want to depend on a man for money again. I got burned out from working almost 8 years straight with no vacations in retail, both in customer service and upper management, plus doing ALL the duties of a full-time mom and housewife. 


That’s right. When I was the one working, he was the one staying at home. ZERO housework got done, save the basics (dishes in the sink, trash in the bin, etc.), but only that. So I worked my ass off, got us a house that we’re now paying on, and passed the reins to him to carry us and…. We damned near crashed and burned.


I’m doing all I know to do to carry this family through, because get this, even though he’s now the one working, I’m still carrying all the mental load for this family. So basically? I married an overgrown child and now have regrets. But I keep telling myself it’s never too late to change my pace, so baby, let’s make those plans!!