I am a small guy but I'm a good bouncer.


I can knock someone flat on their ass in no time, even though I don't look like I could even successfully swat a fly.


For most of my life, I never realized that people thought I was such a twerp.


I was actually pretty popular in school. My dad was a college professor and I was kind of a class clown. We had a lot of money and I just went through life thinking I was pretty great.


I wanted to go into the Navy but never could make it through Basic. I kept getting hurt. I broke my nose and my leg within two weeks of each other. So yeah, the Navy wasn't for me.


After that crushing defeat, I decided to take MMA to toughen up.


The instructor turned out to be a girl who had gone to high school with me. I didn't really remember her; evidently, we ran with different crowds. She remembered me but only because she had been a baton twirler and I was in the marching band. I do remember the twirlers but never really paid them any attention. I liked the cheerleaders.


I tried to ask her out but she wasn't interested. Turns out she had a boyfriend who was in the Israeli army and was some kind of Krav Maga master.


That's when I realized that real life was not like high school at all.


I took a few lessons there but wound up finding a new place because it was just so obvious that the instructor was completely unimpressed by me.


I couldn't believe it, honestly. Everyone loves me! So I blocked her on Facebook.


Anyway, I found a better place and got pretty good at mixed martial arts. I've even gone into the octagon a few times and can hold my own.


And, I have to admit, life has humbled me a little.


I got this dream job - I'm a bouncer at the nicest strip club in existence. Even the bathroom is great. Well, the ladies' room is, anyway. I have to go in there a lot because I developed some pretty severe IBS a few years back.


That's actually what humbled me.


I was working security for the Miss American Dream pageant and that's when it first started hitting.


I found myself running in and out of the nearest restroom, which happened to be the main restroom for the contestants.


Yeah, I got fired.


But they love me here! Even the DJ. We are all just one big happy family.


Well, there's this dancer called Spider Girl and I am not sure she's ever been happy a day in her life - she never smiles! I've tried to flirt with her and if looks could kill, I'd be dead as a doornail.


Whatever. I guess she doesn't like nice guys.


I'm pretty sure she was never a cheerleader...