So I've been here for two months now.


I haven't missed a single shift.


I will, however, be missing a shift next weekend because it's my birthday.


It kind of sucks because I can't really tell anyone because then they will know that I am turning 33 and not 28.


My mom is going to watch Penny so Wendy and I can go get our nails and a pedicure done.


Then Marni is going to join us for dinner. We're going someplace really fancy. With like, a coat check, valet, and everything.


After that, I'm going to pick Penny up and I am sure my mom will have a cake or something for me - she does every year.


Don't worry, we are Übering. I plan on having champagne.


Marni knows my real age, but she is the only one.


I know there are some other older girls there now too, but I don't want to get stuck with the lunch shift. That's when most of the older ones work.


I hear they make decent money but I'm not taking any chances.


My bank account is flourishing and I am not putting that in any kind of jeopardy.


One of the reasons that I am doing so well is that I finally have my music issue sorted out.


I really would've thought Spider Girl would have had the monopoly on this one, but evidently Lola Montez (and her "spider dance," by Volbeat) was up for grabs.


I asked the DJ to put it in my queue and shook my ass like nobody's business. All the dudes over 40 went nuts and they usually have money.


So now I am allowed to have that kind of bar rock too, not just synth pop. Which I still love but not gonna lie, it gets a little depressing sometimes.


In happier news, Wendy is doing both Etsy and phone sex. She makes these little earrings that look like tampons, toilet plungers, and even dildos. They are hysterical.


I wear the dildo ones to work sometimes.


The first night I wore them, everyone wanted to know where I got them so Wendy got a lot of sales after that.


She even has "Stripper Approved" on her shop page.


Whatever works, I guess!


Oh, and the mystery poop situation has been resolved!


Mostly.


It's this dipshit bouncer named Nate who has like, IBS or something.


I was thinking "Dude, that is not my problem. I am very sorry for that but goddamn, go stink up your own bathroom."


He kind of fixed it though...


One evening he was in there doing his thing and Taz walked in.


She started waving her hands around like she was being swarmed by bees. She was carrying on so badly that some of the other bouncers thought she was being attacked!


We had been having some rowdy customers in there, so most of the bouncers were on some kind of high alert.


Plus, Milo the Manager had brought in this new Pre-Workout powder he got from Thailand or something, so for a few weeks there, all the dudes were all juiced up and just begging to go ham on someone.


Anyhow, Taz, who was still having her fit, points to the stalls and they go in there like they were cops on a huge bust.


They pulled the door open and Nate was on the commode with his hands up like he was about to be dragged away by the SWAT team.


It was actually pretty funny.


The customers were gathered around thinking something crazy was going down.


When he finally emerged, everyone clapped and cheered.


The DJ started playing That Smell by Lynyrd Skynyrd.


Poor Nate.


The next day he brought in a huge box of aerosol air fresheners he'd apparently bought in bulk.


He just looked so defeated.


He cheered right up though when some pimply little twerp got handsy with Marni - I mean - Delphine, of course.


Normally she can handle herself pretty well, but we were all feeling a little sorry for Nate even though he, himself, is kind of a twerp.


She hollered out and Nate came running.


He grabbed the guy with some kind of weird Vulcan shoulder thing and tossed him out on his ass.


After that, his ego was all better.


He took a big healthy shit in there the next day again.


What are we gonna do?


As long as he keeps supplying us with industrial-strength air freshener and keeps the pimple-faced losers out, I guess it's a fair trade.


The bouncers are kind of gloomy now though.


Milo can't get that Pre-workout stuff again.


He tried to reorder and it got seized at Customs.


That must've been some good shit.