The alarm wasn’t supposed to go off yet. In fact it, my alarm wasn’t supposed to go off at all. I felt his arms release me, and give me a gentle push toward my side of the bed.


“What time is it?” he asked groggily, as I scrambled to turn off the irritating sound.


“It’s six,” I whispered, knowing he still had an hour before he had to wake up for work.


I crawled back to him, putting my head on his chest. His hand wandered up my arm, past my neck, finally nestling in under my chin, his fingers playing with my beard. I closed my eyes again, enjoying the caress. His body was so warm, and I was always so cold. I could feel it then, my fingers like ice. I slid them inside his armpits, wriggling them in the sweat.


He groaned and laughed before asking, “Do you want to come with me today?”


I loved going to work with him. Each job was only took about an hour or so, and I would sit in the car and write. Sometimes I would nap, or play games on my phone, but I enjoyed writing most of all. I was just starting out. I still had a lot to learn about stand-up comedy. I hadn’t even stepped foot on stage under the title of ‘comedian’ yet.


“Yes please,” I smiled, and held him close.


Soon we were on the road. I had everything I needed in my backpack, and I was excited to get back to work, despite my sleepiness. As we arrived at his first job, I decided that a quick nap was needed to get my head in the game, holding my backpack between my feet, I leaned my head back as he went to work, ridding the specified house of cockroaches and bedbugs.


I dreamt I was in a dining room, and ahead of me, in the kitchen was a large white figure. As I approached the figure I had no fear. He was my friend. I tried to look up at the face, but every attempt I made was futile. Perhaps if it was someone else I wouldn’t have been so calm, but I knew my friend, and I faced no danger in that moment.


Then a second figure walked past, behind the first. The white figure moved its arms, almost in a flapping motion, and suddenly I was confused beyond belief. Those were not arms, but wings. I was looking at a ginormous white bird. I tried to look at my friend’s face again, but was still unable to.


From behind me I heard a soft voice. “Do you know what we did?”


I tried to say no. I was unable to open my mouth. I tried to shake my head. I was unable to move. Instead, I hummed.


“Mm mmm”


The voice behind me responded. “Good,” calming, and melodic, “We took off his head.” I closed my eyes tight.


At that point I was scared. No, I was angry. Were these the people that had kept me locked up in their basement? Had that been a dream? The insane folks that had claimed they were vampires, cutting my arms and drinking my blood? No. It couldn’t have been. It was a dream. They were all dreams, were they not? Or maybe it was a memory. Why was I unable to move?


Again, I hummed, attempting to show them my disdain, “mm mmm.”

“Open your eyes.”


I did as the voice told me. The white figure remained upright. The second figure walked towards me. It stopped in front of me, holding out a mascot helmet. A seagull. Maybe a pigeon. Or a dove? No matter, it was a bird, just as I thought.


The door opened and I was ripped from my dream state. I rubbed my eyes as my boyfriend placed the tools in the back. “I had a really weird dream,” he looked at me expectantly, before his face turned to horror.


“Oh no, get out!”


“What?” I blinked again, thinking it may have been another dream.


“No, no, no! Oh no!”


“Are you talking to me?”


I turned my head to look at the other seats before he grabbed my arm and pulled me from my seat. Suddenly I was fully awake, and he was reaching for the glove box. I stood next to him confused and terrified. I looked around trying to catch a glimpse of a clue as to what was happening. He pulled out a brown napkin, and turned to me quickly.


“Don’t move,” he commanded. I obeyed as best as I could, as I was shaking with fear. What had he seen? What had him, a big, strong man, much bigger, and much stronger than myself, seen that had him so scared? He reached above my head, and with the napkin, began to pick at something on the raised hood of my sweater. As I looked down at his shoes, I was filled with a strange sense of shame. Should I have told him about my friend? Would he have gotten jealous? Possessive?


My thoughts were interrupted as he held before me the napkin. Pinched within the thin brown paper was a little red bug. It’s little legs wriggled and writhed as I stared at it disgusted. A bedbug. On my head! He removed it from my view and disposed of it, crushing it, before turning back to me.


“We have to check ourselves for any more,” he stated, a tone of fear still in his voice. He held me by my shoulders, turning me around, investigating my body in a way no lover had ever done before. Lifting my arm, one at a time, he scrutinized me in a non-invasive, considerate manner. 


“What?”


He dropped my arm. “I’ve never brought any home before, I suppose there’s a first for everything. Take off your clothes.” Somehow, despite the circumstances, I was lustful.


“What‽” I looked around again. We were in the middle of a residential street. He expected me to just remove my clothing here? Sure, there was no one around to watch, but it was cold out. Maybe there were people looking through their windows. I was self conscious. What if the seagull was watching? The thought of the bird watching me undress raised my arousal.


“Check inside the seams, and under the tags.” He knew what he was talking about. I pulled my sweater over my head. “Make sure to check inside and out.” I looked over the beige fabric, as the cold wind raised goosebumps along my skin. I flipped it inside out, and looked carefully under the tag, before hanging it over the door. Once more I looked around before pulling my black T-shirt off and following the same directions. I looked around, my boyfriend had vanished behind the vehicle.


“Baby?” He poked his head around the corner, before strutting over in only his black boxer-briefs. No, not his. He was wearing my underwear! I smiled, blushing embarrassedly. He leaned inside the vehicle, inspecting the seats and all the places the little creatures like to hide. I placed my shirt on the door next to my sweater.


He turned to me, “take off your pants, we have to be thorough.” My eyes widened as he stepped away from the passenger side. I slid my black joggers down my butt, revealing my grey bound buttocks, the waist-line of my boxer-briefs, a bright red. I perched myself on the side of the seat, as I slid the fabric the rest of the way down, and inspected as ordered.


“I don’t have to check my underwear, do I?” I slid my socks off one at a time, inspecting the thick material, as he shook his head, unbothered. I found no other bedbugs, and quickly pulled my clothes back on, and he followed suit. I was too cold for this much exposure. He hopped into the driver’s seat, and left to finish his jobs.


“When we get home, we have to take off our clothes, and put them in a plastic bag, and leave them on the porch for a week, and shower before we go to bed.”


“Okay,” I agreed, I was ready to go home. I was ready to get naked with him again, but for a different reason.


“I think we’re okay, I didn’t find anymore on me. Did you find any others?” I shook my head. He smirked, “We can still get naked. At the very least we have to wash our clothes, and shower.” I smiled again, blushing.


“I like getting naked with you,” I stated shyly.


Finally, we were at the last job of the day. After notifying the residents that we were there, a puppy, a cat, and her kit exited the home, alongside their owners. One man was especially adamant that one room was left alone. My boyfriend tried to explain to him that the bedbugs will move to any part of the house that is untouched by the poison, but the man was adamant that no one was to enter the room. Eventually they agreed that the room would be left untouched. It was a very strange interaction, so I took note of my location.


On our way home, I held my boyfriend’s hand, watching him fondly as he drove us home. I had a wonderful day with him, despite the levels of fear in my heart. He turned to look at me. “Bedbugs are for the birds,” he said. A strange shiver went up my spine. We both turned back to the road. Was the bird being kept in that room? Was that where the insane vampire people that kidnapped me were? Had they kidnapped my friend as well? Was any of it a dream? Who was I dating?


My boyfriend turned back to me. I was stuck in a state of fear, confusion, and betrayal. “Look at me,” he said, I turned my head to face him, keeping my eyes on the road. “Are you a vampire?” My eyes darted to him. No. I wasn’t the vampire. Vampires don’t exist. Crazy people do. How did I get out?