Mona. Two years ago.

It happened in an instant. His lips crashed into mine, pressing so hard and desperate, as though any space between us would stop his breath immediately and he’d drop dead right there in front of me-- in front of everyone.

I felt my eyes widen in shock as I stared pointedly at his eyelids, which squeezed tightly shut. Why was it so… wet? Did he just lick his lips? Why did it feel like a lifetime before he finally pulled away, licking his lips (again, probably)?

My eyes held his, still wide in horror. Did that just happen? How? Why? And just before the words “What the hell!?” roared from my gut, he grasped my hand and whispered, “We’ll finish this later,” before ascending the staircase behind him, making the most jaw-dropping exit from a party I’d ever witnessed. It almost felt rehearsed.

Gross.

Time is truly fascinating. It’s insane how a short kiss that perhaps lasted two or three seconds tops felt like a lifetime, but the two or three second processing time between being kissed by (who you thought was) your best guy friend and every other person you collectively knew jumping down your throat for answers you couldn’t give felt impossibly short. I wasn’t certain Samuel had even left the house.

“Mona!” Leta called from the couch to her left, her short, blonde curls bouncing as her head moved back and forth, looking between me and where Sam had just disappeared around the corner. The room was silent. “Honestly, what the fuck!?” she shouted, not angrily, as Leta never really seemed to get angry, but wholly confused.

Then the floodgates opened. Once Leta had started, the barrage of questions couldn’t stop.

“Since when were you two dating?”

“How did this happen?”

“I thought you were into someone else?”

And most importantly, “I thought Sam was gay!”

Truthfully, so did I. I’d never push him to admit it, and I’d never judge him for it-- I just assumed he wasn’t ready to come out yet, but he was into me. He had kissed me, and just walked away.

“No, no. We’re not dating! I have no idea what that was!” I looked over my shoulder to the stairwell. Sam had definitely gone.

Correction: he’d run away, leaving me to field all of the questions. What exactly did he think was going to happen? I couldn’t think straight, let alone deal with the snickers and teasing I which surrounded me. If he could run away, so could I. It wasn’t too far to walk home, it was only about a mile. A little darker than I’d like, but it’d certainly give me the quiet I needed to process these last five minutes.

I quickly said my goodbyes, and booked it out the basement, following the same path up the stairs, through Leta’s kitchen, and out the front door in the foyer that Sam had likely taken only minutes prior.

The blue light of my phone illuminated my furrowed brows as I stalked out of Leta’s neighborhood, heading toward my own off the main street.

 

Mona

What the hell was that?

 

I stared intently at the screen. The three dots didn’t take long to appear, though they seemed to type for a while. It was about a minute before the words finally revealed themselves.

 

Sam

I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.

 

           Was he insane? And also, what kind of answer was that? My confusion was quickly being replaced with frustration.

 

Mona

We’re friends, Sammy. That’s all.

Sam

So you don’t love me at all?

 

Oh, yeah. He was definitely insane. Love? I was barely fourteen, I had no idea what love felt like, and I greatly doubted he knew so much more at fifteen. This could not have been real, it must have all been some elaborate prank, but no matter how many times I glanced over my shoulders, looking for cameras, Ashton Kutcher never revealed himself.

 

Mona

I cannot believe you.

Sam

You really won’t even try this with me?


My peripherals slowly turned red, as anger clouded my vision. It seeped out of my fingertips as I typed.

 

Mona

You embarrassed me. Do you have any idea how awkward that was for me? You just kiss me and walk away? No, I don’t want to try anything with you, especially after that stupid stunt you pulled.


I felt cold. I picked up my pace, never taking my eyes off the screen as I rounded onto my street. This message took longer to receive, and the typing was quick.

 

Sam

I didn’t realize being with me would be so terrible to you. So I guess I can go fuck myself, right?

 

My eyes rolled so hard, I swear, they could’ve pulled a full three-sixty in the back of my head. How bold of him to play the victim.

By then, I could see the porch light ahead and I sprinted the last few driveways, up mine, and in through the front door.

“Mona?” Mom inquired from the living room, not too loudly.

“Yeah, it’s me,” I replied.

“You’re home early,” she questioned with a tone of concern.

“Just got tired. I’m gonna go to bed,” I excused myself quickly without ever having to look at her. She had a talent for recognizing when something was wrong. She always said it was plastered across my face. Well, this face was about to be buried nose deep in some pillow fluff to escape the anxiety this night had brought her, and whatever problems I had at the time, well, I decided that would be future Mona’s problem.

 

*         *         *

I heard a vibration shake my bedside table. I groaned, throwing an arm out to grab it and stop the sound, which at this hour could only be compared to the persistent and annoying chirp of a brood of cicadas.

3am, I noted, as I unlocked the screen to a message from another friend, Jae. Leta had tried to tried to reach out as well, but I’d just told her we’d talk the next day.

 

Jae

U up, babe?

 

I snorted at how much the message read like a booty call text. It would undoubtedly be if Jae were not exclusively into men-- lumberjack men, to be particular. I tapped a passive aggressive reply.

 

Mona

No.

 

Jae

Well girl, u better get up. Sammy’s havin a ruf night!

 

Alright, my interest had peaked.

 

Mona

What happened?

Jae

U know that fan blog he has for that K-pop band I follow?

 

Mona

Yeah?

Jae

Peep what he just wrote.

 

Jae had attached a link to Sam’s blog. I’d never bothered to check it out before, I wasn’t a huge K-Pop fan, though Sam had mentioned it a few times. A wall of text opened before me, and I sat up finally. Whatever this was, I certainly wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep after reading the novel he had posted. The letters all jumbled together, as there were no paragraph breaks. It read like a giant run-on sentence.

 

A Personal Rant

It’s just not fair how you can do absolutely everything for a person, and they still treat you like garbage. Tonight, I finally made a move on the girl I’ve been into forever now… let’s call her, “Bitch.” So Bitch and I have been friends for a long time. I know everything about her: her favorite movies, snacks, food, activities, her shoe size-- I can even tell when she’s about to start her period (weird, I know, but that’s how close we are). We eat lunch together every day, we talk nonstop. We text all night, she’ll even text me in the middle of the night, and I’ll wake myself up to talk to her. I’ve more than proved my loyalty, I think. So tonight, we were hanging out at a party, and as I was leaving, well… I kissed her! I finally got up the nerve to kiss her, and you know what she said? I was stupid, embarrassing, and awkward. She doesn’t love me, and she wasn’t even willing to give us a shot. And why not? I’m practically her boyfriend already, so what’s the big deal? I do everything for her, and bitch doesn’t even appreciate it! Life is cruel and unfair, so I guess I’ll just fuck right off and never talk to her again-- we’ll see how long it takes for her to come crawling back when she realizes how good I am to her. I hope none of you ever have to feel this way. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess. Stay strong, friends.

 

           My jaw was gaping by the time I reached the end. How could he say any of this about me? How could he make me look so bad, as if our relationship was so one-sided and all I ever did was take and take and take from him? I scrolled down into the comments.

 

 

 

jelliebowler498

What a BITCH. Ditch her for good, she sounds like a terrible person!

 

5historical6twins7

You’re too good for her, fuck that hoe!

 

cloakedcollarbone42069

This is awful! You totally don’t deserve this! Sometimes people just doesn’t realize how much something is really worth til it’s gone! You’re amazing and anyone would be lucky to have you! Don’t let this one girl get you down!

 

xxartisticmile00

GOLD DIGGER ALERT! You deserve better

 

3weaselsinatrenchcoat

We all about to meet up and hunt this bitch down?

No one messes with our man!

 

squashbandage64

FUCK BITCH. We’re all here for you!!!

 

They just kept going and going. I didn’t even realize his blog was this popular. There were hundreds of comments calling me every name in the book, and crying out in support of Sam. I thought being cornered by his lips was the most humiliating moment of my life, but really, it was nothing compared to this.

Was I really in the wrong? Was this all my fault?

I felt a tear free itself from my eye and trail down my cheek, landing in the mess of red hair laid over my shoulder. It sank between the strands, and all I could do was watch in stunned silence as the situation washed over me.

After a long minute, I backed out of the post, backed out of my conversation with Jae, and tapped on Sam’s name in my list, and I finally replied to his last message.

 

Mona

You know what? Yeah. Go fuck yourself.