It was just a dream but it feels like I am still in deep lethargy. Your warm hug breaks up my dissociation. Clarity in my veins fuels my emotions. Those goosebumps are nostalgic, perhaps almost an unknown feeling. Repeating your name on my brain 

“ Leon, Leon, Leon, Leon”


Do you feel safe? Do you feel anything at all? I am not. It was just a dream after all.

Today, the alarm random album rings a Xenakis sonata. What a bizarre way to wake up. Wide awake, alone in my small apartment, a cold peaceful morning, observing carefully the sunrise counting its colors.One #D06A19, two#E0A1B, three #F86C1E,four #F8C628, five #F7F12D, six #804C4C,seven #795D6D and eight #4E4A79. A hue of 0° degrees, 25% saturation and 40% lightness. This color has an approximate wavelength of 611.37 nm. I adore this muddy purplish red. The phone rings, my boss sounds angry, demanding to tell the reason I am late. I am not, I assure her therefore it's my day off.


In my hometown, I didn't have to work, my parents were in charge of my physiological needs as Maslow pyramid indicates. I was dedicated to undergraduate studies in the department of science. Her voice is so loud, I shall turn down the level on my phone. What was I saying? Ah-yes. Science.


Physics, chemistry, astronomy, and earth science. Are we performing the right experiments? Are we asking the right questions? Feeling like we are toddlers. Trying to make sense of the world with our weak senses and humble intelligence. A slow process, touching the first sand grain to the very last sand grain. Like Einstein and Born debating about the nature of quantum objects. Like animators filming themselves to paint a moving masterpiece, a synthesis of their psyche and their perceived sociological inputs. Everything is balanced perception and truth. Shall we trust the supply and demand curve? She just finished her rant and supplies me with an order. I must work today from 2pm to 22:00. I quit respectfully. Leon, am I doing something wrong? Am I a human? I want to sleep and talk with you. Do you regret your hookup era and how that made me feel? When I asked you not to flirt with my friends when I was there? Are you dreaming of me? 


It was just a nightmare. You are falling out of love. My companion, this break of our friendship feels like eternity. But I must distance myself from you. The poem I wrote is aching I know. We failed to change this outcome but worry not we will find the right questions and their respectful answers. We ll land in common ground. I miss spelling your name

“ A-m-a-n-d-a”

You were in love with this girl and I helped you for months to let her go. I felt alone, a clone or a clown. Do you even like me? Am I someone special to you? Do you still think I am sensitive, with poor communication skills? The client is furious. I messed up his coffee. Well, fine. We all messed up countless times. I suppose we must be angry all the time. Break some glass, punch a door, curse the strangers. Are you still working? Do you feel hopeless? My bike is in perfect shape. Do you recall my smile when I first bought it? The air feels nice. I love the view from here. Do you analyze the colors of the sunset? Did you convince your heartless friends to learn sign language so they can communicate with Vanessa?


I remember all the times you messed up. Your poor communication skills and insecurities. Do you regret your jealousy era? When you thought I am smarter, funnier than you? You wanted to hang out more with your friends, more with her, you were afraid of disappointing me, you wanted to trust you, always words but not actions. Why do we over think our relationship? Is it so hard to risk, be authentic, compromise, be respectful and honest. I feel like a naive philosopher. I feel stupid. i am the wisest man for i know one thing and that is that i know nothing. 


Leon, I am sad. Do you remember the you forgot my book presentation, arrive late, discuss with my friends stupid irrelevant topics, get bored and left me alone? Do you remember when my friend gave up on his music career, I was trying to get his spirit up, he ignored me and you made stupid jokes about a patisserie. Do you remember when I tried to help you when you fought with your friend, all the money I gave you when you were broke? Do you remember when you felt weak and gave all time and space to heal, I never forced you to find a job. Can you forgive me for all the disappointing but not surprising moments? Can I forgive myself for hurting you? Can I change and become a healthy human being? 


Every once in a while we meet by chance on public transportation. I wonder if glances and sad silence could speak words, how our relationship would have turned out. Are we happy and together? I miss the way you help me understand my feelings, I miss your strong sense of justice, every time we chat with the homeless and marginalize. I miss your determination, I miss the cry of help from your inner child. I miss our debates about politics.


Amanda,do you remember the first time we met? You were drinking beers and smoking with your friend waiting for someone to call you, you left and found them, then returned with a bittersweet smile. We start discussing physics, stand up comedians etc and I witness your admiration for me. I wonder if I am strong enough to help you change your attachment style. Are you strong enough to help me get through my insecurities? Maybe we just need time to build a relationship based on the kinds of respect we both want, a bit of our truth and some honest talk for compromise. 


Leon typing Amanda's phone number

I missed you 

Do you wanna hear a joke?

I prefer sign language the world is already too loud

I prefer sign language too, my love

You can hear their laughs

Let's meet at the central square

Are you sure?

Are you?

Can I invite Vanessa after awhile? Of course!