Lost Soul

 

 

It’s 3.07am on a Monday morning. Somewhere, someone is online, visiting a chat room. It’s 6th February 2006.

 

Lostsoul2.

 

I’ve been living a lie. I’m in too deep now, but it’s slowly killing me. 

If I say anything, then I lose everything. If I don’t, I have nothing.

 

I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not looking for attention. I’m not even looking for the answer, I just need to tell someone. 

 

My life looks perfect. I’m incredibly lucky. I have love in my life. I have people around me who care for me. Unfortunately, it’s not enough.

 

Rednose88.

 

Hi there. 

What’s your name?

 

Lostsoul2.

 

My name is Josh. It’s not my real name. I’m sorry I can’t tell you my real name, but it’s the best I can do at the moment.

 What’s your name?

 

Rednose88.

 

Hannah. 

Please tell me more, I don’t think I can help, but maybe I can. I’m a good listener.

 

Lostsoul2.

 

Hi Hannah. I hope you are well. Where are you in our planet? I’m in London.

 

Rednose88.

 

I’m in Bristol, alone as usual. I’m always alone! 

 

It’s nice to talk to you, most people ignore me. 

 

Lostsoul2.

 

Oh Hannah. I’m sure there’s excitement just around the corner.

 

Sounds like you have a story to tell as well. I love meeting new people, without knowing it, most people have an interesting past. Parents, ex-partners, friendships, work life, there’s usually something which happens, something that moulds their character and their beliefs. 

 

I’m looking forward to hearing about you, but I’ll go first.

 

Where to begin….

 

I grew up playing a lot of sports in a macho world. My father is incredibly supportive and has been with me on my sporting journey. Which makes my lies harder to deal with. 

I got married to a girl who was my best friend’s sister. It was perfect (supposedly), I had everything going for me. We went on to have two children and they are gorgeous, I love them more than anything. 

 

I’m just incomplete. I can’t help it but I feel empty.

 

I feel claustrophobic. Everything I do is tied up in family business. I can’t fart without everyone knowing. 

 

 

Rednose88. 

 

It does sound perfect (sort of), keep going Josh. 

 

Lostsoul2.

 

I know I sound melodramatic and ungrateful, but I feel like screaming. It’s getting harder and harder. I’ve become desperate. 

 

I’ve even planned my own death. 

It’s a terrible thing to do and such a strange thing to admit. 

I’ve bought a bottle of Vodka and 200 painkillers. I looked it up, that should do the job. My only problem is where to do it. I don’t want my family to find me. 

 

Unfortunately, it’s not if, it’s when. It’s sounds dramatic and selfish, but I just don’t want to go on. 

 

Rednose88.

 

Oh god Josh! Poor you. 

 

Don’t do anything rash, think about your family. It would crush them. Don’t put that on them.

I’m sure you have a lot to live for. Please don’t hurt yourself.

 

I can tell from our short conversation that you are a good person. You’re thinking about others in your time of crisis. It tells me you’re a man of integrity and strong character. 

 

Lostsoul2.

 I appreciate your kind words. It means a lot to me. Talking to you has really helped me. 

I would like to hear more about you. 

 

 

I’ve got to go, I can hear someone moving around the house. 

Thanks for listening Hannah. Bye.

 

Rednose88.

 

Don’t go. 

 

Josh, don’t go! 

 

Please contact me again….

 

 

2.44am, Wednesday 15th February.

 

Lostsoul2.

 

Hannah, are you there? 

 

My lie is killing me. It crushes me like a vice. I need to speak to you. 

 

Wendy0009.

 

Hello. 

 

I can be Hannah, if it makes you happy.

 

What’s wrong? You can talk to me.

 

Lostsoul2.

 

Hello Wendy. Thanks, but I’m waiting for Hannah.

 

Wendy0009.

 

I’m here if you want to let off some steam. Anyway, I’m bored. Your story might be interesting.

 

Lostsoul2.

 

I do feel that I need to talk to someone, so tonight that’s going to be you.

 

My wife and children are asleep, and I’ve sneaked downstairs to use the computer. A few days ago, it was Valentine’s Day. Something I always dread. I have to act in a certain way to keep everyone happy. I have to buy gifts, and my wife expects an evening out with intimacy in bed. 

 

I just don’t see her that way. It’s not that I don’t love her, I do love her, but it’s more like a friendship than two lovers, we’ve never been Romeo and Juliet.

 

Wendy0009.

 

That must be difficult. 

Why are you still with her?

 

Lostsoul2.

 

I know it sounds ridiculous. 

Just divorce her right? 

 

It’s really not that easy. 

 

I have two wonderful children with my wife, I work for her family business, and we have a fabulous lifestyle. But I’m just not happy. 

 

I have a secret, and I will lose everything if it comes out. 

 

Wendy0009.

 

A secret? Do tell…..

 

Lostsoul2.

 

It wouldn’t be much of a secret if I just told everyone who asked. 

 

All I can say is that it has me awake at night speaking to strangers in chat rooms. I just can’t sleep. 

I dream about a different life, the life I could have, but I know I would lose everything. 

 

I can only see one way out and it’s not ideal. The lights will go out for me, but the people left will have to deal with the loss. 

 

Why does love have to hurt so much? 

 

Wendy0009. 

 

I wish I had the answers but alas I don’t. All I can say is that as long as your wife is kind and respectful to you, is the grass greener elsewhere? 

 

Maybe, maybe not. Relationships are incredibly hard and it’s rare that couples are insanely in love. There’s always a lull. That’s why it’s important to work hard on them. 

 

Another person might take your fancy, they might become the forbidden fruit but once you have them, the quirks and the problems soon arise. 

Everyone wakes up with bad breath. 

 

Lostsoul2.

 

That is a very true statement. 

Everyone wakes up with bad breath. 

 

I like that. 

 

However, I love another. The love is crippling and eats away at me. I think about them all of the time. 

It’s making me snappy at home; I’m losing my shit over nothing. I find fault with everything. 

Love hurts. 

 

Wendy0009. 

 

I’m going to be honest; you’re an ungrateful twat. 

You have married well; you’re employed and have two beautiful children in your giant house. 

 

Just do me a favour. 

Stop being such a prick and get over yourself. There’s no guarantee a new relationship will work. We can’t all just do everything we want, when we want, because it would be mayhem. 

If I was with you right now, I’d slap you around the face. 

 

You’ve made your bed, now deal with it. 

 

Goodbye! 

 

 

 

Sunday 19th February at 1.56am.

 

Rednose88.

 

Josh are you there? 

 

It’s been a few weeks. I really want to talk to you.

 

Sunday 19th February at 2.22am.

 

Rednose88.

 

Josh or Lostsoul2, are you online?

 

Lostsoul2.

 

Yes, I’ve just logged on. 

Wow, it’s great to chat to you again. I’ve been having a tough time. 

 

Rednose88. 

 

How are you? What’s been happening?

 

Lostsoul2.

 

Life’s been crazy.

I’ve ended my secret life. But there’s a problem. I had to do something to make sure that it never comes back to me. 

 

Rednose88.

 

Wow. What changed? I thought you were unhappy with how your life was going.

 

Lostsoul2.

 

In pain we find truth, and in truth we find salvation.

 

I was made to realise that what I had was more than most men could ever wish for. I had the love of my family, my children and my wife. I was fortunate to marry into money and was given a position of power. I have everything I need in life, well almost everything.

 

Rednose88.

 

But what about your secret?

 

You were willing to end it all. You wanted a new life.

 

How have you done it?

 

Lostsoul2.

 

Let’s just say. The problem went away. They have left my life. I have mourned and I have moved on. Talking to you helps. You are the only person I feel comfortable conversing with; you are like my own personal online therapist.

 

Maybe we should meet one day? I feel like I owe you a lovely lunch. 

Would you like that?

 

Rednose88.

 

I’m surprised you have moved on so quickly. I’m pleased I have helped in some way. I don’t feel I have done anything though.

 

I think I would like to meet. I am quite nervous about meeting new people. But you intrigue me. Maybe we could meet somewhere in the middle, how about Bath. Does that sound ok?

 

Lostsoul2.

 

I’ve been to Bath. It’s a lovely place, amazing history and architecture. Yes, I can get to Bath, we can meet for lunch next week?

How do you know I’m not a serial killer; I might be the devil. lol.

 

Rednose88. 

 

Haha. I’m a good judge of character, and I think I have your number. You come across very genuine and seem a caring man. 

 

I can meet on Wednesday. How about 1pm at the train station. We can then go somewhere nice for lunch and have a proper chat. 

 

Lostsoul2.

 

Wednesday at 1pm at the train station is perfect. 

I’m looking forward to putting a face to the name. 

If you’re lucky, I’ll tell you, my secret.

 

Rednose88.

 

Your secret! How exciting. 

As long as it’s not a weird one. 

 

It’s funny that you joked about being a serial killer. Did you hear about the young woman who has recently disappeared in Brighton?

Did you see it on the news?

 

Lostsoul2.

 

No, what happened? It wasn’t me! lol. 

 

Rednose88. 

 

A woman from Brighton who appeared completely normal, just disappeared into thin air. The police released a statement asking for witnesses. They reckon she was having an affair with a married man. Terrible, isn’t it? 

 

The police are tracking down the man, according to the papers. It’s tragic but I do enjoy a murder mystery. They’re so interesting. 

 

Lostsoul2.

 

Oh dear. That sounds awful. I’ll have to have a read of that on the Daily Mail website. That poor girl. Do they think it’s foul play?

 

Rednose88. 

 

Yes, they do. So be careful, the police are coming for you! lol.

 

Lostsoul2. 

 

I enjoy talking to you, you have a great sense of humour. I think we’ll get on like a house on fire.

 

How will I recognise you at the train station? Shall we wear carnations?

 

Rednose88.

 

Yes, let’s wear carnations, or funny hats. 

 

Lostsoul2.

 

Let’s just stick with the flowers. 

I’ll see you next week. I’m looking forward to meeting you and learning more about you Hannah. This time it can be about you, I want to know everything.

 

Do me a favour though and keep our meeting to yourself, I really don’t want everyone to know about it, it gets complicated. 

 

Rednose88. 

 

Yes, no problem. I won’t tell another living soul. 

 

I’ll see you on Wednesday. I’m really excited. 

Safe journey. X

 

 

 

 

Its 3.30 am. Someone, somewhere is on line visiting a chat room. It’s 2nd April 2007.

 

Lostsoul3.

 

I’ve been living a lie. I’m in too deep now, but it’s slowly killing me. 

If I say anything, then I lose everything. If I don’t, I have nothing.

 

I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not looking for the attention. I’m not even looking for the answer, I just need to tell someone. 

 

My life looks perfect. I’m incredibly lucky. I have love in my life. I have people around me who care for me. Unfortunately, it’s not enough.

 

 

The end.