Strange Short Stories

That first sip of beer was pure delight.

It signalled the start of the end of the day, a break from work that was such a sweet pleasure to the senses.

It had been too chilled but I had no initiative to go back to the bar and complain. I was tired and would accept it although not risking stomach ache by gulping it down too fast. I didn’t drink fast, that was not me and even though it was too cold I would sup slowly to my complete enjoyment.

She sort of cruised behind me to glide across the room to find a seat of her own; she was unaccompanied.

As she made her way across the room, my eyes were drawn to her seat, not the one she was about to select and sit down on but the one that she would be sitting down on, if you get my drift. That most pleasurable sight of two well formed entities fighting for dominance with each step filled every thought and dream. Sexist thoughts, oh yes, I admitted to myself but as I reasoned, completely natural for the tired eyes of a hard working normal man. I didn’t care for this gender identification stuff and besides this was a good backside that had sashayed past me and could only belong to a well formed and fully sensuous woman especially because of the tight skirt she had chosen to wear.

Then her scent wafting well behind her reached my nostrils with a shock. Cheap, nasty and unsuitable were the words that came to mind immediately.

I took another mouthful of my over chilled beer to clear the mixed sensations; it didn’t work, vision and fragrance simply clashed. I was staring in fascination at her without realising what I was doing but she responded to my intrusion with the gentlest of smiles.

“Tickets please,” took my attention straight back to my front.

“Pardon me,” I replied.

“Your ticket Sir, I would like to see it,” came back at me from the dark blue uniform that stood in front of me, well really off to one side. He was stood in the aisle with an outstretched hand waiting to see my ticket. What ticket, what was he on about? I reached for my pint and slurped a bit in haste trying to steady myself.

“Please Sir; I must see your ticket.”

I again reached for my beer but it wasn’t there, nor was the table upon which it had been stood. She was still there across the aisle sitting on that entrancing piece of feminine architecture but that dreadful perfume spoilt the effect. She was looking out of the window at the greenery flying past and as I stared she turned to look in my direction and smiled.

“Please Sir; your ticket. If you don’t have one I shall have to charge you substantially more than the normal fare.”

With an instinctive move that came from goodness knows where, I withdrew my wallet from the back pocket of my trousers; there was no ticket there but I didn’t think there would be.

“What’s it to be Sir,” the Inspector asked fairly bluntly now, “A valid ticket or a fine?”

I opened the wallet in my hand with some nervousness but there it was, a rail ticket, the one I had not bought or for a destination of which I was unaware; a passage to goodness knows where. Without much thought I removed the required and protruding ticket and offered it to him; he didn’t raise even the barest of smiles.

I had to bring this bad dream to an end. I had to wake up but instead let go of the ticket as he took it from my grasp.

“That wasn’t too hard, now was it Sir,” he replied with some sarcasm in his voice while he punched a funny shaped hole it with his clippers and then handed it back to me.

The sarcasm was too obvious but I had no wish to respond to it and why should I; that wasn’t like me. I took back my ticket and without a glance simply returned it to the wallet which then found its way back into my back pocket.

I reached for my beer and took a slurp; the cooling effect rinsing away the adrenalin within my dry mouth was most welcome. Then it hit home. That same beer had not been there a few moments ago when I needed it but now it was back.

For some reason I glanced across the aisle for the owner of that delicious bottom but she was no longer there. How had she disappeared so quickly?

“Next stop for you Sir,” broke my train of thought still querying her departure.

“We do not stop for long, here Sir,” the barbed voice of the officious inspector rattled my thoughts to some sort of action.

I stood up and before a foot had been placed in the aisle, I glanced across to where she had been for some strange or was it an obvious reason. There she was again but she had not moved to leave the train and neither had I.

She was looking out of the window once again and my attention was also brought to it but only for what could be seen through it.

The blur of the green landscape visible through the window only moments ago had been replaced by a dull grey ‘whatever’ interspersed by heavy rain lashing at it noisily and running down in copious streams.

My seat suddenly lurched upwards as my legs gave way and my bottom and seat collided with an easy thump. Then everything dropped dramatically downwards to a different but equally resounding hard thump.

The intensity of the rain at her window increased and there was a distinctive smell of salt in the air.

There was no longer a window next to me but the plain white/grey plastic finish of a hard wearing type of wall. I reached for my beer which I definitely needed now. It was where I left it and I imbibed rapidly and copiously.

Once again I glanced in her direction to be confronted by her already looking back at me. Her bright eyes sparkled with a sharp blue and my blood ran cold, as the saying goes. Why was I disturbed by a good looking lady with an even better looking bottom staring at me with sparkling eyes and a mischievous smile?

I had no idea who she was, no bells were being rung. I did not recognise her at all nor the rhythmic sway beneath the tight chequered wool skirt that I had been unable to take my gaze away from earlier on. I realized also that I was most clearly staring yet again but before I could turn away her slight smile broadened fully and she mouthed two words which came across most clearly, “Naughty Boy”.

I felt the flush scorching my face before I dragged my gaze away just in time for another thumping up and down. My beer had stayed where I had left it without spilling and I took advantage for another steadying slurp.

The ups and downs changed to a more repetitious pattern but with much less force; a welcome change. A small bell rang.

“Are you well, Sir?” she asked me. Not the blonde with that curious combination of pretty face, incredible backside but dreadful perfume, but another lady, in a uniform who genuinely seem concerned about my welfare.

“You’ve been a little grey for the last few minutes,” she told me. “I couldn’t help but notice. I believe we’re clear of the major zones of turbulence now and should be landing in a few more minutes. Everything will be fine then.”

Her comforting words and attitude had the effect intended and I was feeling less queasy than a short while ago. I reached for my beer but of course it wasn’t there. The small table had been folded up and all things loose cleared away before the aircraft encountered those pockets of disturbance.

“Just relax if you can, it’s almost over,” she again assured me but this time with an accompanying and calming hand on mine.

The seat belt sign came on which I thought a little unnecessary as we had had fastened them tight for some time now.

Then it hit me.

“This is crazy,” I thought. “Where’s my beer. Oh come on sunshine, wake up, beer doesn’t go missing like that in real life.” Or perhaps it did, perhaps this wasn’t a dream but there again perhaps it was; I was thinking crazy.

“Nearly there dear, nearly there,” soft tones from my right across the aisle offered more calming advice as did the gentle hand that reached across to place itself on my arm.

I looked up to the owner of the voice and hand and those bright blue eyes looked straight through me as they had once before. The waft of that cheap perfume was suddenly everywhere. Her attention, her blue eyes and a warm smile were all aimed in my direction.

“Now, now, no need to panic,” she offered yet more assurance. “Take a small drink from your cold beer and you will feel a lot better, I do promise you.”

What did she know of the effect of cold beer on a trembling, nervous wreck of a man like me? She might be right of course, so I reached for my missing beer and there it was, waiting for me. I brought the glass to my lips and it had the desired effect, a mixture of pleasure and calm in a simple brew.

“I couldn’t help but notice you, love,” this angel spoke through such luscious lips as I had not noticed before. 

“I saw your eyes measuring me up and down a few times now, especially my best feature, my generous bottom, even before I took my seat. I really do have eyes in the back of my head,” she added, “believe me.”

I did.

“Where in hell are we?” I tried to demand, more of myself perhaps while thinking that she might have a better idea than me; as if.

“I don’t know about you, love, but I’ve been here for a while now. You were looking a little vacant as I went for my seat and sat down. I wouldn’t think that at all unusual as you had been gaping with your mouth open as soon as you saw my behind. Your expression didn’t change at all so I thought it best if I come over and break the spell you seemed to be under. That’s why I sat here, next to you across the aisle.”

“Thanks,” I managed. I was feeling comforted and a lot steadier in mind, so much so that I though might go to the bar and order a fresh pint and something for this angel.

“You had better put that ticket away,” she directed. “You don’t want to lose it, now do you?”

I was holding it in my free hand; why? I did as she suggested however and returned the ticket into my wallet which then found its way to my back pocket. I pulled myself up short. I had done this before, a couple of times I seemed to recall; even more sure the more I thought about it.

The thoughts in my old grey stuff, that lot between my ears, started to swirl and mix and all surety I had a moment ago seemed to disappear in the mist.

“All ashore those who are going ashore. Look lively there, this is only a short stop,” some distant controlling voice was calling out over a tannoy. “Please mind the gap.”

I had no hand luggage so it was easy for me. I just stood up and moved towards the exit. Gorgeous bottom was not in front of me, I would surely have noticed, nor behind me as I turned to glance in that direction. Her scent no longer lingered.

The queue of those leaving was polite and well mannered as we shuffled easily down the aisle towards the exit.

“Cheerio Sir,” the young lady in her blue uniform politely wished me goodbye.

“Have a good day,” the second of the two who had spent their time serving up food and drink during the flight wished me well in a very genuine manner.

I stepped through the door onto the slightly wobbly staircase and the heat of the day struck me as a precursor of what was to come during the rest of the day. The entirety of those disembarking must be feeling this same intense heat as they carefully made their way down the steps to the shimmering but unmoving tarmac.

“I guess this is to be expected,” I thought to myself. “We’re not at home but well and truly abroad. Holidays always start like this.”

I took yet another slurp of my cold beer which seemed to be in my hand while still negotiating these shaky stairs. I didn’t query how or why as it was most welcome.

We all passed through passport control without a hitch. My passport was always kept in the inside pocket of my jacket as surely as my ticket was in my wallet in my back pocket. This was the first time that going through passport control was so easy and smooth. My experience was to the contrary on every holiday journey I had been on previously; passport officers staring into you face to see if the passport photo was a match and taking their time doing it.

I went to put mine away, having come through the control to the other side, when I realised that I was not carrying one, I hadn’t expected that I might need it, and besides I was carrying my cold beer which was identification enough surely. I took yet another slurp and that helped to reaffirm that it was identification enough.

“Can I see your ticket please, Sir,” the voice of the clipboard man requested.

“I was asked that a little while ago; what’s the problem.” I enquired.

He just stood there waiting putting silent pressure on me to produce my ticket yet again. I did as he asked by pulling my wallet from my back pocket yet again and extracting my ticket for his examination.

“Down the end, Sir,” he spoke as he pointed along the row of coaches. “Coach B5. It will have the number on display in the front window. Don’t forget your ticket, Sir.”

He handed it back to me and I stood there putting it away into my wallet and back pocket. Travellers were leaving their luggage to be loaded by each of the coach staff before boarding. I only had my beer which would need replenishing shortly, especially in this heat and was definitely not going in with the luggage.

“To the very end, Sir, you can’t miss it. Please move along, there’s a lot more people to attend to. Have a good journey.”

I took the hint and started walking the length of this boarding station with the heat getting to me with every step. The cold beer helped but this was disappearing at an alarming rate.

Weaving my way through the melee I was almost at my coach when an instantly recognisable bottom came into view swaying left and right, and back again. As I caught up with her, she turned as if sensing that I was there, smiled and took hold of my beer-free arm.

“Come,” she spoke softly. “We’re on the same coach going the same way.”

Her smile broadened and I somehow felt assured once more that all was right, despite the dreadful choice of perfume which I felt certain was driving the insects away. We boarded the coach into the cool, air conditioned interior which was most welcome.

Not letting go of her hold on my arm as I climbed the few steps, she took me along the aisle to the seat she had selected. Sitting first next to the window she patted the seat next to her and motioned me to be seated.

“Come now, don’t be shy,” she smiled broadly with a twinkle in her bright blue eyes. “I bet you could do with a fresh pint of cold beer.”

I could and brought an empty glass towards my mouth; what sort of trick was this, denying a man of his beer?

“Well don’t let it get warm,” she announced. “Pull down the little shelf and you’ll find it waiting for you.”

I didn’t need telling twice and pulling down the small shelf, there it was, a full glass nicely chilled, waiting for me. I picked it up and sank a good draught which made me feel good. Would other beers in similar circumstances do the same for me? I doubted it.

Glancing out of the window I realised we were already travelling and through a arid, dusty, rock strewn landscape. I half expected the cowboys to suddenly turn up chasing some bank robbing gang across the vast featureless vista; they did not appear and the music did not start.

I needed another ‘slurp’ and took one. “Strange,” I thought, the glass should be nearly empty by now but it was still full and cold enough for condensation to be running down the outside and puddling on the narrow shelf.

“Need a top up, Sir,” I was asked with a big smile.

I reached for the glass which I expected to raise with the words, “Thank you no, I’m fine.” Before I could utter the words, however, it was obvious that the glass was almost empty. It was almost full a few moments ago and I didn’t recall sinking a full pint, but perhaps I really was losing the plot; I was concerned.

“I’ll get another one in a fresh glass, Sir,” she said walking away to the bar with the almost empty glass in hand and still smiling.

That animated backside was on display again and I could only consider that it was a great accompaniment to a nice glass of beer. Why I should associate these two items like that, I didn’t know. There must be many other masculine thoughts that should come to mind at such a sight but I could not bring to mind what they should be, other than a glass of cold beer; very odd.

Then I realised who had been asking me and why she was smiling. But she was sat to my right and the aisle was to the left. I looked to where I had last seen her but she was not there. When had she passed me?

“There you go my love,” as she placed a glass of an over chilled beer in front of me before resuming her seat over to my right.

Something was wrong but I felt quite comfortable about whatever it was.

“Hey ho,” I thought. “The beer keeps coming for free, stop worrying yourself about it, just enjoy.”

Great bottom and awful perfume was still over to my right, looking out of the window at the greenery flying past. I took a deep slurp of the new pint; a little too cold still, but very welcome. I relaxed and sank back into my seat with glass in hand.

“Ticket please, Sir.” The inspector was stood there becoming a little impatient at my lack of a prompt response.

I put the glass down and reached to where my wallet was kept; in my back pocket.

~ o ~