When she woke up her eyes were already open to see life for what it truly brought her; “Breathe, 1,2,3, Breathe 4,5,6,7, pick yourself up off this ground, whip your tears and breathe, stay strong be what they need at this time.” She tells herself. “Through the pain in my heart I’m suffocating by what feels like an invisible pillow. It's unbearable” she had listened to the 17 miss calls from all individual strangers. “it was a cruel sick joke that I hoped was being played when I heard the messages sink into my ear deeper and deeper tell the phone in my hand melted just as I did to the floor all alone. Why would they say such cruel things but they believed it to be true and my poor sister is now in the hospital not talking or responding to anyone" Each horror message consisted of there's been a car crash you sister is physically okay but mentally scarred. Your mothers injuries were too sever but she protected who she could and held on with her last breathe to your sister. while the rest of the messages blurred my ears, my eyes. I didn't want to be true. I hurried to the hospital to check on my sister all I could do was hold her as strangers filled the lonely hospital room. I told my sister the crash was harsh and not okay, I'm so glad your physically okay, but I am here with you, by your side. I'm not leaving you." She said with pain as everyone else left, she held to her words like precious diamonds for her sister. As my sister was released from the hospital, we saw you, mom, I saw your body lying there stiff and cold lifeless, quite the only thing you left us was a peaceful smile stuck plain as day on your face and the memories of what was. She traced her dry eyes around the room of sorrows, regrets and guilt. I’m sorry I couldn't cry when you died. I felt the rushing pain of my sibling hurt first before my own and there was nothing I could do. Your warm embrace was now a memory fading and I finally understood a lot in the moments you could no longer teach me. I breathe because you no longer do. I breathe knowing my sister lives. A part of me became a Mom the day we lost you. You left us orphaned from the crash. I don't blame you either for dying Mom. She feels lost, confused and angered just as her sisters, brothers held to guilt, pain. However, breathing and sleeping is hard, not just for me.” She awakes to blood curdling screams echoing throughout the empty house. “The late night with my sister screaming out for you, MOMMY! MOMMY COME BACK I NEED YOU! PLEASE! my sister cried. I need you too in that time and now, it pierces me deeper than words could say all of my cradling couldn't bring you back to us even tell this very day the screams hunt my nights. She is consoled by others with care, “Everyone, even strangers apologising as if they had something to do with your death.” She hurts silently. “Everyone's world I saw them all fall apart. They crumbled like buildings during an earthquake and they fought because you were gone. Leaving me to set it right again, and again not that I had to but it distracted me from the pain of losing you." She felt reality tearing in and beating her down if she stopped for a single moment, and felt she feared she wouldn't come back and she couldn't have that. she couldn't do that to her sister. "I felt I was the only one who could take it all on and I wanted it, hoping I’d be closer to you. All your debt is mine, while my siblings live debt free." She spent years remembering her mom and sharing those memories with her sister until; the moment it was time to dive into life individually. Emotion swelled giving her new feelings she never thought she would experience at least until she had children of her own. “With that I got to see my baby sister grow into the adult she is today, she is beautiful and so loved. Your other baby girl has graduated with an academic scholarship.” She is Proud like a mom, she is forever grateful, “We all knew she was smart but with all the storm came the challenges and she never gave up school, or anything she put her beautiful mind to. I know she finished it for you. You were the glue that held everyone and everything together and me… well I tried being the light in the darkest hours, the best way I tried was cracking jokes or being silly so they would momentarily break from the pain. I found I had to embrace it and with it, it helped me grow. Yes I still see the beauty, I still see the light but I'm no longer blind, deaf or mute to the darkness and what's in it. Holding to my faith is hard but you died believing it, so there I must believe. I love you. I hold to the belief we will meet again.” She had more stress in the next years to come but with it she held her head high and pushed threw. “ My sister and I finally moved to the next stages of our lives. She moved in with her boyfriend and his mom, she definitely loves him so much that's for sure he is the only man she wants to be with. How sweet, I on the other hand finally am in my new place, with my cute dog just begging for my life, I struggle with being able to keep a job due to health concerns which are being handled soon. This new chapter I'm working on not only healing but actually being happy. I was happy when I watched over my sister over the years. However it's still something I need. Finally as an author, creator and chef that's kicked off right now it is almost strange but feels amazing. She said for the first time she felt proud of her accomplishments. “ I still wish everyday you were here alive and well, but that's reality it gives and takes what it wants. I honestly never thought I would long for the days, the moments and the minutes, to just simply talk to you.” She finally cries for her mom but still carries on all that was taught to her by the world and her mother. Everything we went through before and after your death both painful times, great times I miss it all. I would go through all of it again just to be the person I am today, who will always be your daughter, your bloodline. The one you raised, I don't think I would ever change a thing you had taught me. Your story may be finished mom and by it, it will always be remembered and passed on. Forever I love you."


"Any time time now I have unknown or missed call 17 at that. It all comes flooding back my hands shake as I press the play to listen, I hesitantly bring it to my ear just to push through it. When I come across one of your videos that I thought I lost or never had I view it. When I scroll my phones gallery I remember the sound of your voice and how you looked before the crash I see the life and the love that shined through you." And she remembered why she kept going. "In all the lost I hand I hold to your love, I share it, I live it. to the best I can."