“The Cool Guy”

Part 1 of... I don't know how many.


Alright Ladies- and any guys brave enough to be here- Lets talk


You know when you are young, and dating the older guy it feels like an ultimate flex.

He promises you the world, tells you you are so grown up and different from other girls your age?


You feel chosen, you feel like THAT girl...

But one day you grow up and realize he wasn't cool. His biggest flex in life was that he could date a younger girl, and suddenly it's not cute. It's Cringe.


Well... meet Trace.


Trace was my brother's best friend and my biggest crush. Even though I would never admit it. I was sixteen and didn't get much attention from guys my age. I was awkward, shy and a little overweight. My brothers always had his cool friends around, they were all super nice and treated me like a sister. So imagine having six older brothers and trying to navigate dating in high-school. Trace treated me differently though.I remember one time he had just gotten a new phone and was messing around with the camera. I was sitting on the couch minding my own business when he decided to interrupt my zone out  session with his “photography skills.” 

“Trace, did you just take a picture of me?”

He had this derpy smile about him, that I hated and loved all at the same time. He turned the phone so I could see it. 

I hated pictures of me.

I cringed at it. 

“Please delete that.”

“No. I like this picture, and plus I don’t have any pictures of you.”


That small moment stuck with me more than I’d like to admit.Now.. I have a very imaginative, very delusional brain. So this tiny moment had my delusions spiraling. I was already picturing what our life would look like. And then the realization that I’m only sixteen hit me.. I haven’t even had my first kiss and here I am planning our wedding.The attention he showed me meant something to me, and I wasn’t just a “Little sister” in his eyes. It  was never enough to “cross any lines” but enough to make me feel seen.

As if I wasn’t suffering and delusional enough, the universe handed me the perfect teenage trap. Best friend sleeps over, both delusional and well raging with teenage hormones.. And of course, Trace was there like he always was.

I had just confessed to Penelope that I had a crush on Trace. Like this was breaking news, and it wasn’t obvious.  Of course at sixteen, she was all for it. When we got ready to go to bed, like most teenage girls we would share a bed and stay up talking all night. Well... Trace was laying in my bed.


“ Trace! What are you doing?” I giggled. “ Get out of my bed”


“Nope I am sleeping here tonight.”

“Okay, whatever, so are we.”


I was trying to play it cool, act unphased. But the boy I was crushing on was in my bed. This was going to really feed my delusions. 


Penelope and I climbed into the bed in hysterics. We thought it was so funny that Trace was there too. Like I said I had no reason to think anything. The three of us just talked about stupid things, Trace had us rolling with laughter. I've always had a dark sense of humor. He made a joke about how he had to be in there in case someone broke in. I was cracking up creating all kinds of ridiculous scenarios of how the “bad guy” would react. Trace put his arm around me.I froze, suddenly I was self conscious about so much more. Like worried I’d be breathing too hard, or my breath suddenly smelled. I don’t know. I was never this physically close to a guy before, and he was older and cooler. He pulled me in a little closer, I felt the warmth of him wash over me. I was running on pure nerves. My face was right in the crook of his arm pit, I could smell the mix of light sweat and axe deodorant. This was mildly intoxicating and revolting at the same time. I’ve never been a fan of physical touch from anyone, I needed out. “ Your armpits smell.” I told him, making a disgusted face, and pulled away. This back fired, “Oh yeah?” You don’t like the smell of sexy men, and gently grabbed me towards him, rubbing his arm pit over my face. I was laughing so hard and screaming at him, it turned into a mini wrestling match, until the slats under the bed decided to give away, all three of us and the mattress fell through the bed frame. We broke the bed. I had no experience in bed breaking before but I was certain this isn’t what people meant when they said, “ We broke that bed” None of us got up, our laughter just got louder, Trace still had me in a hold, he kissed me on the forehead. “ You are my girl, I hope you know.”


My brain spiraled even more. What was happening? Did this mean something to him?

What exactly does “his girl” even mean? He kissed me on the forehead..That had to mean something right. 



I officially entered my delulu era-and never left it. 


The next night he was hanging out with my brothers- Like he was almost every night. He'd gone into my brother's room, which was right across the hall from mine. The way the rooms were laid out you had to go around this corner past the bathroom, and there was a little space between both doors that wasn't visible from the rest of the house. I was hoping to “accidentally” run into him, maybe he would say something about the night before. As soon as I turned the corner he came out of the room, grabbed me and kissed me. My first kiss, which would soon lead to my first, but definitely not last heartbreak. He kissed me and walked off. No words. I could feel the tingle in my lips for days. I ran to my room and called Penelope immediately.


Penny! He KISSSSSSED ME! I all but yelled when she picked up the phone.



“ OMG tell me everything” She was so excited.


It was a five second kiss, there wasn't much to tell but she had me replay it all over and over, like she was hearing it for the first time. 


After the kiss everything changed. He would sneak into my room at night. We never did anything, I told him I wanted to save myself for marriage, or at least until I knew the time was right. He acted like he supported that. He would just hang out with me, talk about life and pretend to build a future with me. Of course we'd have a nightly make out session as well. Given the fact that he was about five years older than me and my brother's best friend we had to keep it a secret. The secrecy of it was fun at first, but that grew old fast. He made so many promises, told me he loved me. Fed my delusions. I was young and naive. Until one day I grew suspicious he was having relations with someone really close to me- We will call her Miranda. I will leave it at that. I've always had an investigator.. okay maybe a nosy.. personality. I checked the girl's phone and read the messages she sent her best friend.


  • I think I am pregnant
  • What!? Is it Trace's
  • Yes.

I didn't read any further. My heart was crushed. I pondered for days on what to do. I felt so stupid, so worthless. How could I be such a fool to think he was gonna stay faithful to me when I was a secret, not willing to give it up, and only sixteen. Plus we never defined our relationship- This is when I learned the importance of that. Not that I used that knowledge..


Anyways. After thinking it over I realized there wasn't really anything I could do to fix this. The next time I saw him I walked up to him. Whispered in his ear, “ I hope you are ready to be a father” . I watched the blood drain from his face. “ Kissed him, and said Miranda is pregnant. I patted him on the chest, told him good luck and walked off. I felt empowered. I thought I could really just walk away like that. 



Lesson Learned:

Never let the way someone treats you define your self-worth. Your value doesn't change just because someone else failed to see it.

And to my younger readers- hold on to your morals, your boundaries and your beliefs. Don't let sweet words and stolen kisses make you forget who you are. You don't owe anyone your body, your silence or your self-respect. 

Stay true to yourself. 

Your future self will thank you.