The Shopping Stalker

The Shopping Stalker

Doug was a quiet guy who worked as a park ranger. He was in his late thirties and had managed to get through his life so far as a singleton. Unfortunately for Doug, his mother had recently died from lung cancer. It really shook him but as a woman who smoked twenty cigarettes a day for the last fifty years, it didn’t come as a big surprise.

Doug had never moved out and became the man of the house at twenty-five after his father Barry, left without a trace. They all knew he wasn’t enjoying life and would spend more and more time at his local boozer rather than going home. One day he was there; he went to work and just never came home, he was fifty. It was worse than a death, because they didn’t know where he had gone, whether he would come back or if he was dead, it was like a ticking time bomb. They had the police looking for him with posters up everywhere with a picture of him asking “Have you seen Barry Burrows?” Unfortunately, it didn’t work, nothing worked, it really hurt them.

Doug’s mother had a part time job at the local Co-op and Doug took charge of the household bills. It was a lonely life, he didn’t really have friends, there were some people he knew from school but everyone else had moved on. Living with his mother was easy, he had his lunch prepared for him, dinner was ready when he got home from work, and the washing and cleaning was all done, it was like he had never grown up.

They would spend the evenings watching Coronation Street and The Repair Shop, among other mundane TV shows. They never went on holiday and only went out for meals if it was one of their birthdays, they always have the rump steak. This went on for years and before he knew it his mother had passed away and he was the last person standing. He didn’t even have any pets to care for. Neighbours worried about him and thought he would get depressed and end it all. Realistically, they were more worried about him leaving his gas on and blowing the whole street up.

Colleagues from work had attempted to set him up on a few dates but with his low self esteem, lack of energy and mediocre looks it never worked out. Doug just didn’t seem too bothered about it. He continued to live his life and before he knew it, he was staring down the barrel of his fortieth birthday.

His hobbies included watching TV and reading car magazines. Doug wasn’t interested in politics, sports, current affairs or music. He would listen to Radio 4 every now and then. When you live a life without interests, you become exactly that, uninteresting. How can you hold a conversation with someone when you have no interests? You can’t!

At least Doug worked. At the age of eighteen he applied for a job via the local Job Centre. The job role consisted of keeping the local parks tidy, emptying bins, cleaning graffiti off the playground and locking the gates at sunset. Not being very ambitious, Doug just continued to work in the job and had now completed twenty years. His colleagues liked him, he was helpful and pleasant, he was just beige, very much like a glass of still water, useful, necessary but uneventful.

After Doug’s mother had died, he had to make his own lunches. Everyday he would eat cheese and pickle sandwiches, an apple and a slice of cake. He hated going shopping and wouldn’t know what to buy. He usually just bought ready meals like Chili-con-Carnie, chicken curry or spaghetti bolognaise for his dinners. Great meals if cooked from scratch, but the microwave versions were bland and boring. He lived a life that was worthy of a fart in the wind, he inspired nobody, he hurt nobody and would eventually leave the earth without a trace.

One evening after work he popped into the local Tesco’s to buy his dinner. As he walked around with his basket, he noticed a woman with a large red coat with her hood up. He didn’t usually look at other people, but this person was acting strangely.

She was following an elderly man and picking up the exact same shopping as he was buying. It didn’t look like they knew each other and the elderly man was none the wiser. Doug for once in his life was intrigued by this scenario and couldn’t help but watch it unfold, it was like car-crash TV.

The man picked up butter, cheddar cheese, a half loaf of white bread, a tin of tomato soup, a tin of chicken soup, rice, potatoes, mushrooms, swede, onions and razors. The lady had the exact same items, Doug thought that this was no way a coincidence. For some reason she was copying him. He watched them go to the self-service checkouts, pay and then leave separately. Doug shook his head, and carried on buying his chicken curry, pickle and cheese. He drove home and whilst eating his dinner he couldn’t stop thinking about the lady in the red coat. What a strange thing to do, he thought, and more importantly, why?

As the days continued in the same monotonous fashion for Doug, he had to go back to Tesco’s. It was after work so around the same time as usual. As he was paying for his selection of ready meals, he saw the woman in the red coat enter the store. He watched her walking around with a basket in her hand. She didn’t appear to look at the food items on the shelves, she was looking at people. After a few minutes, she locked eyes on a middle-aged woman and again went around the store picking up everything the lady chose, including deodorant and cat food. He was fascinated by this peculiar behaviour. However, he drove home and ate his spaghetti bolognaise.

A few weeks had gone by and whilst back at Tesco’s after work Doug was a bit annoyed. The shop had shuffled the stock around as they do every now and then. He let out a sigh as he couldn’t find the pickle. Just as he looked up, he noticed a red coat disappear behind the next aisle. For a brief moment he thought it might be the shopping stalker but carried on with his shopping.

When he got to the self-checkout till, he was loading his shopping into his bag for life. A red coat grabbed his attention, the woman was packing her shopping away, 3x ready meals, cheese, pickle, toilet rolls, white bread and some Mr Kipling Bakewell Slices. It was exactly the same as his purchases. He had just become the victim of the shopping stalker, he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

As he left the store, he decided to wait for the lady in the red coat, he was going to politely confront her.

“Excuse me, hello, hello, excuse me.”

The woman in the red coat looked startled, she looked at him and suddenly realised her cover was blown.

“Oh, hello. Err. Yes, what do you want?”

Doug replied, “Hello, hello”.

Both had the social skills of an anxious hermit.

“I was just wondering what you were doing?”

Red coat replied, “Shopping, I’ve been shopping, what do you think I’m doing?”

Doug said, “I know you’re shopping, l just wanted to know why you follow people around and copy their purchases”.

“I don’t, I don’t know what you’re talking about”, she stuttered.

Doug replied, “I bet you have the exact items in your bag as I do in my bag.”

“No, I don’t, leave me alone”, and with that the thirty something oddball lady got in her Ford Fiesta and drove off.

Doug wasn’t used to confrontation, and this was a major incident for him in his drab life. He got in his car and drove home; he had to have a strong cup of tea to calm down. To him, that episode was like bungee jumping off the Sydney Harbour Bridge, what a rush!

The weeks continued and life went back to normal, work, Tesco’s, home, dinner and bed. That incident was still on his mind, and it was the first time he held eye contact with a female for so long.

A month later he was in Tesco’s, and lo and behold Red Coat was already in there. Doug noticed she was following a younger man; he was in his late twenties. He caught them up and followed her. It didn’t take long for Red Coat to see him. She looked startled but did something he didn’t expect.

Red Coat approached him and said, “Shush, don’t say anything, I’m in the middle of something, this one’s exciting.”

Doug didn’t say anything, he just nodded and followed her following a man in his twenties. He was thinking how odd this must’ve looked but it was also strangely exciting.

Was Doug turning into an adrenaline junky?

Doug didn’t do the full shopping stalk; however, he did copy a few items. He picked up orange juice, Rustlers Cheeseburgers, bread rolls, Dairylea, yogurts, pizza and Doritos. It was unusual for Doug, but he was willing to jump into the deep end (he supplemented it with a few ready meals), he just wasn’t ready for anarchy.

Once the shopping stool had left, Doug and the red coated lady paid and stood outside the store looking at each other. Doug started to giggle, and the surprised woman giggled back. He felt alive, it was so weird.

Doug broke the laughter and said, “Hi, I’m Doug, this is so odd, how long have you been doing this?”

Red Coat replied, “I’m Tasha, I don’t know really, maybe a few years, it’s just something I started to do when I was bored”.

Doug said, “But don’t you end up with loads of items you don’t need?”

“Well Doug, that’s part of the fun. I get to try food and recipes I would never normally eat, and I can usually find a use for most things. I only follow the basket carriers. If I copied the trolley pushers, I’d end up with loads of nappies and wine.”

Doug asked, “have you ever been caught before Tasha?”

“Only by you Doug, it’s not exactly illegal. Most people just keep their heads down and pick what they need and leave. It’s good fun, my diet is so varied now, I never know what I’m going to eat for dinner.”

There was a perfect pause for most normal people to swap numbers or go for a coffee, but Doug wasn’t normal. He said, “Well, it was nice to meet you, see ya.” With that they got in their cars and left.

When Doug got home and munched into his pizza and Doritos, he thought to himself how nice it tasted. He swigged down a glass of orange juice and made Dairylea and pickle rolls for his lunch the following day. Wow, he thought, a change actually feels quite nice. He contemplated taking on this new challenge but thought he’d sleep on it.

The next day whilst working in a park, he sat down and ate his lunch, he hadn’t eaten rolls for years and he loved them. They were soft and squidgy and made him remember eating them at school. That was definitely a win for the shopping stalker. That night he had a chicken curry as he didn’t want to overdo it, but he was looking forward to the Rustlers burgers for the next night.

After a few days he had to go shopping again, he usually went every three days. As he pulled up to Tesco’s he picked up his bag for life and thought to himself he was going to go for it, he was going to shopping stalk. He grabbed a basket and looked around, just as he did a man in his fifties walked past him. This was the man he was going to follow.

Doug didn’t want any strange interactions with a stranger, so he played it cool. He held back and subtly watched as the man picked up some potatoes, carrots and a large onion, Doug copied. The man then walked to the bakery and chose a baguette and a pack of croissants, Doug copied. Next the man walked over to the sauces and picked up a Rogan Josh curry sauce, some microwaveable plain white rice and a pack of papadums. The man then chose some toothpaste, deodorant and some hair gel. Doug watched and thought, in for a penny, in for a pound.

They then completed the spree with a carton of milk and a box of Chocolate Cornetto’s. Doug had done well and hadn’t been noticed. He kept his distance at the checkout and walked back to his car.

He sat in the driver seat and surveyed his receipt. He thought the man must’ve been a vegetarian and due to his investigation skills, he was going to make a veggie curry, with rice and papadums. The only thing he wasn’t sure of was the hair gel, he had never bothered too much with his hairstyle before. However, a successful shopping stalk had been completed, he wanted to tell Tasha, but didn’t have her number.

Doug loved this new way of life he had adopted, and it gave him a new lease of life. He was a risk taker; the sky’s the limit. He found himself communicating with people more often and he was enjoying learning new recipes to cook. He had learnt how to cook a Chili-con-Carnie from scratch, and it fast became his favourite dish. He was trying new breads and meats he hadn’t eaten for years. Only last week he ate a rack of ribs, it blew his mind, his hands and face were covered in BBQ sauce, but he didn’t care.

The other day he was stuck in a traffic jam and the car next to him had the radio on, it was playing “Wish You Were Here” from Pink Floyd. As it ended, the DJ said, “That’s one of Absolute Radio’s favourite songs”.

With that, Doug turned his radio on and found Absolute Radio. The following song was Beetlebum from Blur, then Kula Shaker, Oasis etc. He loved every track they played; a new avenue of interest had opened up for Doug.

Around six months later, Doug had brought new clothes and had begun to style his hair like Suede’s brilliant singer, Brett Anderson. He looked good and for the first time in his life, females were paying attention to him. He felt confident and relaxed in his new persona.

A year later, he ran into Tasha again, she looked different. It was summertime so the red coat was back in the wardrobe. She had beige trousers on and a black vest type top on, her hair was tied up and she looked great.

Doug waved to get her attention, but she took a few seconds to realise who he was.

Tasha said, “hiya, it’s Doug, isn’t it? You look different, how are you?”

With that invitation, Doug told her how his life had changed after he began to shopping stalk, he thanked her for liberating him.

Tasha was a little taken aback but smiled and was pleased with his news. This time the new improved Doug wasn’t going to miss his opportunity, and they exchanged phone numbers.

He eventually made contact, and they started dating. They couldn’t stop themselves though and when in a restaurant would copy what the table next to them had ordered. They would laugh and exchange plates with a playfulness Doug hadn’t ever experienced. They would hold hands and take pictures of each other trying new dishes like escargot and squid. They wanted to capture that moment that would never happen again. It was wonderful. They would even go to the cinema and watch whatever film the couple they were stalking chose, even down to the same snacks.

Eventually things were getting more serious, and they decided to go on holiday together, but they didn’t know where. Whilst at a local travel agents they were flicking through various holiday destinations. It wasn’t until a couple in their thirties had sat down and decided they wanted to go to Las Vegas. Tasha and Doug looked at each other and laughed. They waited for the couple to complete their booking and then sat down with the travel agent and said,

“We want to go to Las Vegas, in fact we want to book the exact holiday as your previous clients, down to every last detail.”

The travel agent looked confused and said, “you want to book their holiday?”

“Yes, we do, absolutely everything.” Said Doug.

“Are you sure? They are planning to…”

Tasha interrupted, “Don’t tell us. We don’t want to know. We want to experience our first holiday together as a unique and complete experience that we want to capture as the holiday progresses. It’s all about the moments, you never get them back.”

“As long as you’re sure, I’ll arrange that for you now, it will be a life changing experience for you”, said the travel agent.

The holiday came around quickly and before they knew it, they were on the plane heading towards the United States. They saw the couple they holiday stalked but kept their distance. They had a beautiful hotel, with a lovely view of the swimming pool and neon lights in the distance. It was perfect, they were having a great time. After their first week there was a message for them at reception. They thought it was unusual. It said a car would pick them up the following day to take them to Planet Hollywood and they were to dress to impress.

Whilst at dinner that night they were guessing what it could be, they’d obviously booked something with their secretive holiday stalking. They couldn’t wait and the next day they were dressed up and were picked up by a limousine. There was Champagne on route and when they arrived at Planet Hollywood it was decorated with an altar and white balloons in a huge arch. It suddenly dawned on them that they were just about to get married.

Doug was in shock and said, “OMG Tasha, do you want to get married, bloody hell, we’ve never even discussed it. What shall we do?”

Tasha was also in disbelief, but was calmer than Doug, she said,

“Doug, we met this way and it’s gone pretty well ever since. We can’t break the run; it will lead to bad karma. Let’s do it!!”

With that Doug kissed Tasha, they held hands tightly and walked towards the aisle. Music from Elvis Presley was playing in the background and there were some people either side ready to witness their leap of faith. The service was conducted by an old man dressed up like Elvis, they found it funny but beautiful, and they were pronounced husband and wife, they kissed and knew they had made the right decision. As they walked back down the aisle, they saw another couple awaiting their turn. Both couples smiled at each other, and the other man said, “Didn’t we see you at the Travel Agency a few months ago”.

Doug smiled and said, “No, I don’t think that happened, good luck.”

Tasha giggled and held his hand a bit tighter. As they walked off they were handed their wonderful Marriage Certificate, they laughed and looked for Elvis’ signature, but of course it was signed by the old man, Barry Burrows.

The End.