The alarm wasn’t supposed to go off yet…

I didn’t know what time it was but I definitely knew it was too early. I don’t remember snoozing it but it’s not going off anymore. I still had time to sleep before I had to get up. Maybe I had it set to wake me up earlier and I simply forgot, no big deal. I realize I don’t feel so sleepy. On the contrary I’m energized enough to get up and start my day. I find it a lot easier to wake up in the morning as the days go by.

I remember that a year ago, I needed at least fifteen alarms to manage to wake up. A year ago I would feel so tired every morning, even after sleeping for hours and hours. A year ago I wanted to just fall back asleep, I couldn’t seem to be able to get myself out of bed unless something forced me to. Today, on the other hand, I simply decided to get out of my bed, instead of falling back asleep. And just like that, I did.

After a good stretch, I made my way to the bathroom, without feeling like I was getting dragged. I washed my face and brushed my teeth, then combed my hair and looked in the mirror. I once skipped most of these steps, I was too bored and tired to even care.

The reflection of the person I see today looking back at me through the mirror is almost unrecognizable compared to the one I used to see a year ago. Even though the person I used to see a year ago and the person I see today are one and the same, last year’s person felt like a complete stranger, whereas today’s person finally feels familiar. It finally feels like me.

A growl interrupts my thoughts. I’m hungry. Lately I’ve started having breakfast every morning. It’s been a couple of months I think. I’m enjoying my food now, it is no longer tasteless. I no longer have to force myself to eat.

I made some eggs and a cup of coffee and decided to have my breakfast outside on the balcony. It’s a bright and sunny autumn day, so I threw on a coat and made my way to the balcony. I sat comfortably on my chair. My cup of hot coffee and my plate of tasty eggs steaming on the table right next to me. I had never imagined that I could do something like that. I know it looks simple, being happy and enjoying life’s little things, but for me it’s something new. It’s a big step. I remember myself wanting to feel this way, but I used to think I didn’t deserve it, or that I had to achieve something in order to earn it.

That was a year ago. That was back when my life felt monotonous and pointless. Back when I didn’t know what my purpose on this earth was. What do I have to offer to the world. To be honest I’m still not certain, but what I am certain about is that now I’m more than willing to find out.

Some barking interrupts my thoughts. I have a little dog now, a golden retriever puppy. His name is... That’s weird, I forgot… I could hear him barking at me and jumping around behind the closed balcony door. I smiled and opened the door for him. He got even more excited, with his little tail wiggling like crazy. He was so happy to see me. It made my heart melt that someone was happy to see me. I picked him up and held him in my arms. I have always wanted a golden retriever puppy.

Someone speaking interrupts my thoughts. It was my neighbor on the balcony next to mine. No wait, I think it’s my sibling, or are they my parents? Maybe a friend? I can’t tell who they are, I can’t see their faces clearly, it’s almost like it’s multiple people combined together into one, but I can tell it’s a person I know.

They smiled and waved at me good morning. I smiled and said good morning too. It sounds nothing like the person I was a year ago. I was too shy, too embarrassed of myself to even speak to them. I would just nod and look down, hiding my face from everybody. But today I’m different. Them however, they never changed. Even though I can’t tell exactly who they are, I know they are still the same as before. The same way they happily spoke to me today they have been speaking to me last year too. I never saw that before. They always cared.

I looked at my puppy. He was calm and completely quiet. He was looking deeply into my eyes like he was waiting for something. His eyes looked familiar. I smiled at him and I said Looks like you are not the only one that is happy to see me after all, I just never noticed it before… I could swear he understood me, because he started wiggling his tail again and licked his snout.

As I’m drinking my coffee, holding my puppy in my arms, feeling the sun’s warmth on my face and admiring the fluffy clouds floating on the bright blue sky…

The alarm goes off…

And I wake up…

 

I’m back in my bed, I’m not under the covers, I’m breathing heavily. My phone is on my nightstand and the alarm is going off. My eyes are wide open as I’m looking around the dark room. My face is wet, my eyes hurt and feel swollen and my nose is stuffed.

I’m not hungry at all…

I don’t have a puppy…

My breathing gets heavier as I start to remember…

Last night I sat on my bed crying and I fell asleep because…

I looked on the side and saw a chair in the middle of the room. I had placed it there… I had placed it right underneath the room’s chandelier… where I had tied… a rope…

I was ready to end it…

My whole body went numb for a second and I started screaming and crying, shaking and kicking my legs uncontrollably against the bed until I fell on the floor.

The alarm is still going off.

Now I’m lying on the floor on my back. I’m looking at the ceiling trying to catch my breath.

I stood up on my feet stumbling, leaning on the nightstand. I grab my phone and run to the living room, where I stumble again and collapse on the carpet.

Familiar puppy eyes…

My sibling’s eyes…

I’m still crying while dialing the number. Every second I’m waiting for the phone to be picked up feels like a whole hour passing by.

Until my sibling picks it up and answers it so happily.

HELP… I screamed.

PLEASE HELP ME I DON’T WONT TO GO…

I WANT TO STAY…

I WANT TO BE HAPPY…

PLEASE HELP ME…

I WANT TO LIVE…

In less than twenty minutes we are both on the floor, hugging and crying together, telling each other how much we love each other.

 

The alarm on my phone wasn’t supposed to go off yet.

But the one in my heart was almost too late.

I’m glad I’m finally awake.