The Beginning....

It started out long ago, I was little and trying to find my way in this big huge world I was born in.

Life was hard right from the beginning, as far as I can remember back my struggles as being a kid were difficult .

I had parents that fought all the time and divorced when I was just 2... My mom struggling to make ends meet and raise four girls by herself, living off food stamps loosing everything to my dad leaving and running off with diff women and finally landed himself in Arizona.

It was just a dream when I was 11 to do great things in life and the best at what I do.

It was just a dream when I had the whole world ahead of me. It was just a dream when I would meet great amazing people and friends and grow together through everything.

It became harder in life a land friends really weren't friends.

It was only a dream when I was a child, you dream of the things u want to be, what career you want to do, kids , marriage etc.. My dreams where shattered when I decided to attend a party with so called friends that only led me to being raped and beaten. I never told anyone until a year later I held all that inside it was so damaging to myself and it started my path to addiction and jails and alone. What comes with using drugs is jails, institutions and death. Well I felt like I was dying inside and wanted to most days.

I started with alcohol fromy moms stash to cocaine and then pills to numb my soul.

I became angry, enraged, promiscuous as well as fighting and being kicked out of school several times. I believed that I was no good , a troubled child , a failure and someone who would never do anything in her life. I started dating older men who would hit me chest on me and things just never got any better. I kept picking the wrong people and crowd. I never felt I was worth anything and believed everything said about me , not one person asked or helped or even offered help I was a lost cause. Never even asked if anything was wrong or did I need a hug or just to talk, Nothing! I was consumed by attention seeking behavior and the free to do what I want attitude. I felt failed and lost and troubled, like there was so much emptiness, I was in a dark dark place. I ended up preg at 18 with my daughter then 3 years later my son and 2 years later with my other son I felt finally my life is changing , I'm a mom now and I will always be loved, something I always was neglected of.. I thought it was time to date again. The kids were growing but I still felt alone, then here comes the guy yes this os the one and we MARRIED. Come to only realization that he to was an alcoholic, abuser and cheater. I felt so beaten in life like is this what I really deserve, why me God why me. He hit me regularly and the kids would see me hurt I started using pain pills anything I could get and drank with them..My kids dad ended up taking my kids , shared parenting but I couldn't come back to realityy addiction grew more and more and used harder things to be numb. Next came trafficking my pills for money to get my drugs and ended up being watched and didn't know it. Before the indictment I OD my liver was failing and to get my family there just in case. My kids dad came and asked me if I believed in God I said no I was angryy life was failing fast and I blamed God for my own personal choices. He asked could he pray for me and say with me for weeks just talking and actually listening with care. I lost my mom shortly after those conversations and as I was about to be Baptized I stopped and took my anger out on God, or anything or anyone I could. I got out of hospital and was arrested and went to the big girl jail (Prison) for 3 years that didn't help my own self incriminating feelings of worthless don't deserve life anymore and tried to kill myself. I woke up and I had an overwhelming feeling of life and beautiful dreams and started going to church in prison. I found my soul again And great people even in a dark place. I got baptized and had a new plan when I got out. I divorced my husband and found true love in my friend from school she was amazing and good to me and my kids, she showed me more love then I felt I was worthy of. She helped me set goals and asked what I wanted in life and helped me pursue my dreams. We have now been married 10 years and together 12.. I got the kids back and I went to school and I succeeded. I found love within my soul and learned I am worth something and that's what I could still trust again. I earned a State Board License in helping Addicts with Mental Health issues and everyday I work I learn to believe in myself and others and tell my story. Like whoever spoke to me in my dreams accomplished their goal. To show me that the storms were over and that I meant something to them and I could accomplish anything in life even after a felony! I would never have imagined having a career and State Board license and never would I have imagined that life can be anything you make of it. I just had my first born grandson and I'm glad I'm here to be a part of it all and rekindle my relationships with my beautiful children. Moral of the story is you do matter to someone and someone is always watching over you. You matter, your loved and your not a failure. Believe in yourself and love hard no matter what. Humble yourself and put you first always. Forgive everything never carry burdens in yourself and in your heart. Hate is really heavy to carry. Find your peace and take it one day at a time maybe even seconds if needed. It was just a dream when I was 11 and became the dream at 43 im 3 years sober and I'm proud of my new life. I'll be praying for everyone and just know if I did it you can to. God Bless.