Review for Review

Please review my stories. Also willing to exchange story reviews for feedback, editing and discussion.

Hi Angelina,

Interested to read your post. Please review my story in this month's (January) writing challenge. It's called 'Gold Bug Resolution'. I'm happy to review, give feedback, edit and discuss one your stories in return. What are the titles of your stories so I can get started? What kind of stories do you like writing?

Bill Bowler (BillBow for short)

I read the first few paragraphs of your story and I thought in the beginning you should emphasize more the relation between vanishing and the grandmother dying. I will finish and give you my opinion if you would like. You can review my story " Lessons by Raymu"

Sure Angelina, thanks for your initial feedback on the first few paragraphs of my story 'Gold Bug Resolution'. I look forward to getting more suggestions from you as you read more. I would like your opinion on the whole story. In return, I will read your story 'Lessons by Raymu' with interest.

I've read your story and I reviewed it. I liked the general mood of the story a lot. I would have given it five stars, but there were one or two typos in the punctuation which kind of interfered with my enjoyment of the very vivid world-building and tale-telling that you do. Would you like me to give you some more detailed feedback?

Awaiting your feedback on my story in this discussion thread with interest. Will you review my story for me, too, please?

Hi Angelina,

Thanks very much for your review of 'Gold Bug Resolution'. Glad you caught the 'Clue' type mood of the story. I'm happy to review/comment on other stories of yours if you want.

I just wrote one for the January challenge as well. You don't have to leave a review but feel free to let me know your opinion. Its called The Whispers of Ice

I will certainly check that out. Thanks for the heads-up.

I checked out the story and think the writing in it is very is good and atmospheric. In my review, I did a 'content edit' on your story, talking about the 'main beats' of the story and how they could perhaps be improved in future rewrites. I thought in the privacy of this discussion thread I would do a 'line edit' of the same story and point out to you some typos which, if removed, would make the story read a lot better. They are as follows:

Tense choice indecision:

You sometimes use present and you sometimes use past in your main narrative. When these two forms appear close together it's confusing for the reader. Better, I think, to stick to all present or all past (except for flashbacks of course which could be past if your main narrative is present, or past perfect if your main narrative is past).

Typos:

'My parents (k)new this already' (typo - k missing from knew)

'light reflected off (of)' - I think this would be stronger without 'of' at the end.

'like (as) a snow globe' - this would be better without 'as'

'completed encompassed' - don't you mean 'completely encompassed'?

'The castle almost seemed (_______?) with light' - I think there is a word missing here.

'(In) The foyer of the fortress was elegant.' - I don't think you need 'in' to start with.

'with all thoughts and feelings aside' - I think 'putting' here would work better than 'with'

'but (to) run her fingers' - cut 'to'

'so much more cable' - I think you mean 'able'

In future: (to weed out typos like this before publication)

I suggest you read your story aloud before you post it. This could help you yourself notice typos that escaped you on the computer screen/page.

You could also ask someone else (or a couple of people) to be your BETA reader(s) and look out for typos for you and alert you to them before you post your story.

Nice phrases: (this is good stuff I noticed for you to keep)

You use some fresh and memorable phrases/concepts (more of these please):

'as if she were walking on frozen music'

'disappearing into the aurora-painted sky'

'by creating a perfect cradle of soft frost in the air'

'The tree's light flickered in what seemed like amusement'

Two-word adjectives:

You use a number of two-word adjectives, which is a very good idea in descriptive writing. However, in the positions you have them in the story text, they should have a hyphen (-) joining the two words in the middle:

snow-filled

antique-looking

pearl-white

off-white

full-bodied

The rule is - when the two-word adjectives come before the noun, they take a hyphen. When they come after, they don't.

It was an antique-looking mirror.

versus

The mirror was antique looking.

I hope these comments are helpful!

Basically, if you in the future become a successful published writer, you will have editors to check your work. Until that time, you will need to edit yourself or trade edits with a writing buddy to improve the first impression your writing makes on guinea-pig readers!