It was a dream. And now the dream has become reality which I am stuck in. It took me a while to notice. In the dream world everything makes sense, chaos becomes order, there is no difference between fictional and existing, familiar or foreign. It all seamlessly blends together with only a few loose, spiderweb thin strands hanging just outside the view. Fortunately I was able to tug on one of them, shed the drapery, and reveal what hid behind the sweet fog of sleep. I never knew how lonely dreams were before that.


I wandered titan mountains and seas without shores. I saw tall, grey buildings with too many windows and deserts full of green. I witnessed machines battling each other and flowers swallowing stars. I walked alone while shadowy forms passed me by, guarding secrets in forever changing places.


I watched moon wax and wane every minute of the night until it shaped into a girl with shining white hair so long I couldn't determine whether she was wearing a dress or if the hair was covering her. Like a haunted angel, she led me through an obscure forest route. I knew I was in danger yet I couldn't stop myself from going further. I couldn't influence anything I was doing, all my efforts felt like pushing water hoping a wave would form. And then I came home, but I was not me, and the girl was no longer a girl either, now she was a deer. I tried running after it but it was no use and it soon disappeared in the cold mist of late autumn.


Through one of the windows I saw my family in the lounging room, they looked as happy as they ever did but then I noticed it - a large cloud of black smoke in the corner of the room, a darkness hanging over them. It overwhelmed me, I could hardly move or speak, my breath quickened. As long as I did not draw attention to it, it would stay calm, however I felt a strong urge to warn them of the evil presence. I called out, stutterd to make words come out from my paralysed lips. Then the Darkness turned to me, her large, round, grey eyes wide open and looking directly at me. As she crawled closer all my vision blackened and I hoped the dream was finally over. But it was not.


I wandered caves of precious stones and beaches of snow. I saw ships in the sky and lakes of fire. I witnessed love growing out of rot and demons healing scars. I walked alone while shadowy forms passed me by, keeping secrets no man can know.


I watched as daughters became grandmothers, spirits drank and danced among the living, I was less than a ghost then, something beyond our and even their world. My body moved and changed, I became a fox, a rabbit, a cat, a mouse, a deer, and as the deer I lured myself who wasn’t me into a forgotten pond and let me drown. I lived all lives, pasts became futures, hills caved in, lakes dried out, walls fell; time and space became one and as the last colour died out in the distance of my view I awoke in the grass.


Was it a dream? A daydream, hallucination, fracture of my imagination? Was it a vision? I turned my head away from the bright blue sky to my sisters, all in white, playing croquet in the sun and quietly bickering. I felt so present, felt every bug on my skin, smelled all the flowers, heard the soft breeze, but how could I be so sure I was not dreaming anymore? I was still an observer, nothing more. How could a dream be so cruel? In waiting to be swept away once again I looked back up at the clouds, waited for them to turn into hurricanes of ice or fog of lava but they did not. They slowly flew and fell until they were painted red.


‘Jo!’ called out Thea. ‘Are you alive?’ she asked cheerfully. I wasn’t sure I was, but how could I have explained it all to her? Instead I stood up, wiped the dirt off my dress and caught up to them. At home we changed into our evening wear, ate our dinner, washed up, and got ready for bed. I listed and as Henri softly snored next to me. I wondered about what she was dreaming, if I could ever dream again, if dreams would feel the same as before. Thoughts kept me up all night, I dreaded falling asleep but I knew it would inevitably come, however I could try and prolong it as far as possible. I closed my eyes, only for a few seconds, when the rooster started singing and when I opened them again I stood at the treeline, hand in hand with Thea.


‘You sleepwalked again,’ she said and yawned. She looked so young to me until I noticed how small I was and suddenly the dream did not bother me anymore. It has been years since then, I do not remember much from that time but I remember the dream. I will always remember the dream, I am afraid. I struggled to find any meaning in it, a warning among those distracting details, but had I ever dwelled on it too much I would have surely gone mad. I dreamt many dreams over my life, many stuck with me, many more were left forever forgotten. I wandered unknown places so strange they seemed fictional. I saw the world change in ways I never thought possible. I witnessed every imaginable fate put upon a human being. I walked next to strangers as they became my closest. I watched them die. And my dreams stayed with me the whole time. At times I thought them curses, at other blessings, in the end I believe it is not that simple. And until the last coloured speck of dust dies down, no one can be sure there is meaning to anything.