Finn is shaken awake, gentle hands on his shoulder from behind. He feels the ground beneath him, the barely grown grass, and his eyes open to a black granite headstone. The mark of his best friend’s death he’d forgotten about in his sleep. The realization hits him again, same as it does every day that passes by without the company of his friend. He peeks up over his shoulder, a storm brewing in his eyes. Finds Elliott knelt down behind him with a smile full of sorrow. Pity, even. This isn’t the first time he’s been found in the cemetery, sleeping by Colton’s grave. Ever since he’d been kicked out of Colton’s house by realtors, he can no longer sleep in the comfort of his former friend’s bed. But that didn’t stop Finn from seeking him out elsewhere. It’s the only way he can get any sleep. Being curled up in his own bed with Colton’s hoodie isn’t enough anymore, he needs to be closer to him.

“Finn, I know I’m a broken record, but Colt wouldn’t want to see you like this,” Elliott says. His voice is soft, a hint of fear in it that the smaller boy might lash out on him.

“Yeah, well Colt’s not here, is he?” Finn snaps back, knowing Elliott means no harm and just hates seeing him like this, but he doesn’t want to hear it anymore. He’s tired. He’s depressed. He’s lonely.

Heartbroken.

“At least let me get you home,” Elliott pleads.

A quiet drive leads them into Finn’s driveway and he’s still staring out of the window even when Elliott puts the car in park and turns it off. Staring at him from the driver’s seat. Wondering if now is a good opportunity to get Finn to finally talk about what happened. The only thing the rest of the guys know is that Finn was the last person to speak to Colton. What he won’t tell them is how Finn asked their friend to come over that night. Begged him. Said it was important, something he had been wanting to talk to him about for a long time. Colton had asked for Finn to wait until the following day. Told him he was too tired to drive. Finn however, having held in a secret for too long, dying to pour his heart out to his best friend, continued to plead that he came that night. Until Colton caved. 

They said he fell asleep behind the wheel. 

Ran a red light. 

Another car slammed into his door. 

They said it was instant, that he felt no pain. But it didn’t make Finn feel any less guilty. He can’t tell them that he was the reason Colton was out that late, that he was the last person to talk to their friend because he’d forced him to come over despite his exhaustion. All to spill his stupid little secret that he buried for years. And still, after all that, it will forever remain a secret because of his selfishness. His impatience to know how Colton felt.

“You loved him…” Elliott lets his words fall, as if wanting to say more, but he holds back. Waiting for Finn to gather the desire to speak.

“Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“Not like I did, though. Or the rest of our group.” Elliott’s words feel like ice slicing through his bones, and Finn shoots him a glare, his hand on the door handle. His other hand clicks the seatbelt free.

“Don’t.” 

Finn ignores Elliott calling out to him, begging him to come back and just talk. He gets inside and slams the door shut. Locks it. An hour passes with Finn sitting on the floor, leaning back against the door and contemplating his life. How he might feel better if all this ended, like a bad dream comes to an end at some point. But this one he can’t escape by waking up. There’s only one way out of this nightmare. But a knock on the door startles him, breaking the thoughts and now he’s angry.

“Fuck, Elliott! Leave me the hell alone!” He jumps to his feet, aggressively pulling the door open and ready to let the taller man have it. Feel the wrath of everything he’s felt since Colton died. The fury drops into the pit of his stomach. His eyes go wide. Feet cementing to the floor. He wants to speak, but for a moment, he forgets how to. Because there he is, standing at his door. The man he’d been grieving for weeks. The man he never thought he’d see again… shouldn’t be seeing again.

“Hey, Finn,” Colton says.

“How are you here? How can I see you? Am I asleep?” Finn’s questioning all this, because no way is his dead best friend standing in front of him right now. Blonde hair laying perfectly on his head. Clothes lacking any trace of being underground, trapped in a coffin for weeks. But then Colton steps forward, reaches out slowly and touches his face. And Finn feels it. A warm hand against his cheek. A sob rips from his throat and he’s breaking down into the man’s arms, feeling himself being pulled into his chest. He can smell Colton’s cologne on his shirt, another reassurance that he’s real. 

“Finn, I don’t have much time. I’m not here for long,” he mutters. His voice is shaky, trying to fight back tears of his own.

“How are you here?” Finn repeats.

“Unfinished business,” Colton shrugs. “I guess whatever you were gonna tell me, it must have been important. I woke up outside of my grave and just knew I had to come here. I needed to know what you were going to tell me that night.” Colton’s holding Finn’s face again and the younger boy grabs his hands, shaking his head.

“Not like this. I’m not spending my last moments with you like this.” Finn turns and walks away, leaving Colton confused at the doorway. He makes his way into the kitchen, grabs a beer and a bag of Doritos. Colton’s favorites. When he finds his friend again, he’s in the living room and sitting on the couch. Still a little lost. A little uncomfortable. Like he’s not supposed to be here – alive. He gives Finn an appreciative smile at the items in his hands, a loving gesture, and Finn expects him to choke it all down like he hasn’t eaten or drank in weeks. Because he hasn’t. But Colton picks at it, takes a sip or two of his Coors Light.

“I need to know what you wanted to tell me.” His voice is firmer this time, desperation starting to sink in. He’s on borrowed time and Finn is wasting it.

“I can’t, Colt.”

“God damnit, Finn, this is your last opportunity to be with me. To talk to me. Whatever it was, you were sobbing that night. You needed me. Tell me what it was that I had to die for!” Colton’s yelling now, and Finn instantly drops his head. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I just-”

“I’m in love with you,” Finn finally blurts out. “Well, I was. Still am? I don’t know. You’re gone, I don’t know how I’m supposed to say it now when you’re dead.” He’s not looking at Colton when he admits this, just nervously fiddling with the rings on his fingers because now the last bit of time he’ll have with his best friend will be ruined. But then, a finger lifts his chin up and he’s staring into Colton’s beautiful, ocean blue eyes. The same ones he misses melting into every time they’d steal random, teasing glances at each other when no one was watching.

“I spent every moment of my life, since meeting you in college, loving you. I knew it the moment we met, Finn. I’m sorry I never told you, but you need to know that I fell so fucking hard for you so fast. And even in death, I still love you. It was always you, baby.” Colton’s words make the dam break in Finn’s eyes again, never thinking he’d ever hear those words even when Colton was alive. His body trembles, trying to process everything and knowing he’d wasted so much time dancing around his feelings and now any chance he had with the man he desired is gone. He’s gone. Their opportunity for love was buried with Colton, ending the moment Finn got that dreadful call.

“I know what you’re thinking. But I’ll remind you that I don’t have a lot of time here, and you have me. Right here. Right in front of you. Confessing my love for you. It’s now or never, Finn.” The younger boy searches his eyes as he speaks, seeing a look of pure admiration in them. A sense of longing. A touch of desire. And then it hits him what Colton is asking of him.

He doesn’t waste any more precious seconds, tugging on the other’s shirt and crashing their lips together.


♡


The rhythmic thumping of Colton’s heart vibrates through Finn’s ear, pressed against his sweaty, bare chest. Fingers rake through his brown hair, and he hums in content. They lie naked under the covers, their legs intertwined with one another. Soaking in a comfortable silence. Colton’s breath hitches and when Finn expects him to say something, he just hears him sigh instead. He sits back, propping on his elbow so he can read his expression. Colton’s eyes are full of sorrow when they meet his own, stripped of the lust and passion they held just minutes ago. Finn knows. Colton doesn’t even have to say it. He lays back down on his chest, arms wrapping around him with an urgent grip this time.

“I’m sorry, Finn… I wish I could stay.” The words hit Finn hard enough to shatter every thought of love and joy in his brain, cutting through with a cruel darkness that brings tears to his eyes. Then, he’s sobbing. Suffocating into Colton’s chest, his body visibly trembling, loud whimpers slipping through his burning throat.

“I just got you back,” he gasps. “And you’re leaving again. Like none of this ever happened. You’re really leaving this time.” The silence that follows is so loud. Finn is about to just say fuck this, tell his friend to just go ahead and leave. His hurt being pummeled by waves of anger.

“Hey. Look at me,” Colton whispers. He gently cups Finn’s chin and guides his head up until their eyes lock. He sees the smallest sliver of hope in Colton’s eyes, sees the gears turning in his head as he opens his mouth. He hesitates, just for long enough to tuck Finn’s hair behind his ear. Then gives him a small smile. “Be my boyfriend, Finn. Carry that with you until you find love again.” Finn returns his smile, feeling his lover’s thumb brush the tears from his cheeks. He just nods, and Colton pulls him into a slow, meaningful kiss. As if sealing their fate. Because Finn won’t tell him he won’t love another person again. Colton is it for him.

Colton presses another kiss to the top of Finn’s head once it meets his chest again, and he whispers sweet nothings in his ear. Finn’s eyelids grow heavy at the sound of his soothing voice, speaking of the love they made, how much he’d always loved him. Finn takes note of the way Colton twirls a section of hair around his finger, teasingly pulling at it and making him giggle. And they lay like that for what seems like an hour, Colton talking him to sleep. His last words are a whisper when he kisses his ear.

“Thank you, baby.”

When Finn wakes in the morning, he doesn’t feel the warmth of his boyfriend’s body beneath him. Only cold sheets. He calls out for Colton, knowing all too well there won’t be a response. He sits up in bed, the emptiness of the situation coiling through his body, up his throat, and blurring his vision. He doesn’t make a sound this time, teardrops falling with defeat. Because he knows where Colton is. He knows he’s never coming back. His eyes fall on the dog tag his boyfriend adorned around his neck last night, hanging from the corner of the bedroom mirror. 

The only closure left from his love besides the temporary marks littering his skin.