"She kissed him goodbye, knowing he wouldn’t remember her tomorrow."

Kimberly always felt guilty every time she had to leave. She also dreaded having to come back again. Did this make her a bad person or make her a martyr? Was life meant to be so hard?


Christopher had been diagnosed with dementia several years ago, and for the past couple of years he had been too much for Kim to care for at home. He didn’t like this new place, nothing was familiar, everything had changed. He showed his displeasure by shouting, cursing, and making threats. This was so unlike Chris before dementia. Kim had only heard him swear occasionally, now he would scream out a stream of profanity that would put a sailor to shame. He had always been courteous and polite to everyone, that was just the kind of person he was, likable, funny, and honest. 


The drive back from the care home was a beautiful drive along the coast. Chris and her had bought their dream home for their retirement, a simple cottage with ocean front. They had renovated it for their needs and taste. They had envisioned a life of fulfillment once they retired. Kim wanted to write, even if it was never going to be published. Chris wanted to paint, but he had given it up when he realised he had to make a living, even though his professors had told him he had the talent to succeed as an artist. Being a starving artist had never appealed to him.


All of that changed once Chris started to manifest symptoms that indicated something was wrong. His memory had gone from one of unbelievable detail, to one that of forgetting#simple things like dates or events. He would ask the same questions repeatedly. He had always managed the budget, but now it became too complex. They both tried to cover for these symptoms, but as they became worse and disrupted their daily lives, they decided to see a doctor. 


His doctor and specialist ran a battery of tests, and the results were that Chris had Stage 5 dementia. Kim was already helping with basic self-care like dressing and bathing. He sometimes thought he was in a different place, like at a client's office, when in fact he was at home.


The specialist told them about what to expect in the future. Chris would need extensive assistance with all activities of daily living. He may even forget Kim’s name, have personality changes, and have difficulty speaking. In the end Chris would lose the ability to respond to this environment, requiring total assistance with all personal care.


How fast this would all happen was not clear. For Chris it only took a year to move to the last stage. It was then that Kim had made the excruciating decision to put Chris into a care home specializing in dementia. She cried for a week every time she thought of him. 


It was not long after that he began to not know who she was. She wondered if he was even still there, and 99% of the time he was not. But for the brief moments when Chris was there, it was bitter sweet for Kim. Her heart burst with the love she had for this man, but also broke her heart, knowing this was only temporary. This as well would only get worse, until the man she had loved and knew would never return to her. 


As she pulled into the condo, she could not help but think about their little cottage by the sea. She had told herself she had sold it to be closer to Chris, but the real reason was to lessen the pain it caused her without Chris being there and how their dream had come crashing in on itself.


She rode the elevator to the apartment. As normal, Jeff was waiting there for her giving her a hug and a kiss. The routine on visiting days was to come home and go out on the balcony, while Jeff made coffees. They would sit drinking it, hardly saying a word just looking out over the view, the mountains, the water, and the marina.Taking in the sights, sounds and smells. After Jeff would make a second cup and Kim would just let it all out, with Jeff just basically listening until she had exhausted all talk of the matter. Kim found this very cathartic.


She had met Jeff at the care home, where his wife had been, but she had passed from the same disease as her dear Chris. Before that they had struck up a friendship to support one another that had turned into a romance. They had both moved into the condo after Jeff had sold his house. Kim still struggled with the fact she still loved Chris but was now living with another man, who she also loved. She would beat herself up about her hypocrisy. A backsliding christian shaking up with an avowed atheist. What would people think? 


She knew that she needed Jeff. He provided companionship, understanding and love. Was she not allowed to find some happiness in her golden years? She would ask, did this make her a bad person? Was she trying to play the martyr by paying penance by visiting Chris every other day? She had no answers.


Jeff would often remind her of what Jesus said, , "Let him who is without sin among you cast the first stone at her". This is a message of forgiveness, and compassion, This was a question designed to make others reflect on their own lives and sins. No one is without sin, so don’t worry about what others think. Most things are not just black and white, good and bad, right or wrong. She would have to learn how to forgive herself.


As time moved on so did Kim, she learned to be content. She will always remember the last thoughts she had when visiting Chris just before he passed. "I kissed him goodbye, knowing he wouldn’t remember me tomorrow."