Darkhaven

I called Stephen the next morning to tell him about the cure, something called Viciretro. Keraun had messaged me the technical details. Stephen stuck to his word and agreed to let me take the rest of the school year to decide what I wanted to do, encouraging me to put it out of my mind until after exams.

In the two weeks following the Taskforce debacle, I caught up on all the study I’d been pretending to do since my Event. Sort of. A lot of time disappeared as I sat thinking about Darkhaven and worrying about TISC. If I did actually do some work, I ended up doing the wrong stuff. When I was supposed to be reading Hawthorne, I found Atwood compelling and lost a week of lunchtimes to The Handmaid’s Tale, leaving The Scarlet Letter lonely in my bag. I still hadn’t finished A Tale of Two Cities. I had a complex about that book now; trying to read it seemed to jinx things. Cecelia’s pencil would snap, prompting a frustrated outburst, Zenna would come over all moody and sullen or Alex – Dad was away again – would make green bowls for dinner. He called them “healthful gardens of Eden”. I called them glorified salad posing as real food, which should at a minimum contain two kinds of cheese.

Human Biology posed a similar problem. If I was meant to be reading a chapter on the nervous system, I suddenly found metabolism fascinating and would spend all evening on the Krebs cycle. I told myself it would be helpful to know all this stuff in the exam, but it did set me back in class exercises. Economics was all boring, and I was starting to think I really did need a tutor for maths. Having a better memory helped, but it wasn’t that useful if I didn’t understand the concepts. I missed my intuition.

Then of course there was another distraction, in the form of a human-looking alien god. Keraun seemed to know when Alex was going out and would appear on the doorstep five minutes later, casually suggesting a walk along the Swan River. Just as often, I messaged him when my brain was too full for more information and needed ice cream or some other sugar source. I hadn’t forgotten my realisation that he had met me before my lightning Event, but I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. And I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was the one person from whom I didn’t have to hide anything about my life. I laughed when he rocked up one day in a purple t-shirt with a lightning bolt on it.

‘What?’

I kept giggling. To be fair, Cecelia and Zenna had started it, when we skipped out on Thursday afternoon’s Phys Ed class and spent the hour in a vacant classroom overdosing on lollies and throwing Skittles at one another’s faces. Five points for a hit, ten for a nose shot, but if the other person caught the Skittle in their mouth, it was twenty points to them. Due to my general lack of focus, I had lost. Significantly.

‘What?’ Keraun demanded.

I snickered. ‘Cute shirt.’

‘You were the one who suggested I should change my clothes sometimes. What’s wrong with it?’

‘Nothing. Just…’ I lapsed back into giggles. ‘Nothing.’

‘What is it?’

I tried to sober myself. ‘I think I have a bit of Skittle shell in my eye.’

‘Would you like me to have a look?’ He was genuinely concerned.

I suppressed another laugh. ‘No thanks. I’ll be fine.’

‘Are you sure?’ he asked. It was innocent, a playful question, poking back at my amusement over his shirt. But I lost all desire to laugh. I still didn’t have my intuition back. I didn’t know things any more. The sense was gone. Even the sense of the roiling sea had vanished. I’d hoped that once my feelings had settled, I’d have my calm place back, but the turmoil had drifted away and left me floating in a void, far from any sense of intuition. I didn’t know how to get back. I didn’t know where I was to get back from.

We took our gelato – I told Keraun to pick a flavour for me – and wandered to our favourite park bench. There had been no more charged encounters like the one in my room after Dad got me out of the Taskforce. I was grateful for the lack of complications but more than a little sorry as well. I kept reminding myself that study was priority, and besides, he was a super-evolved alien human with god powers and probably not even interested in me that way.

‘Can I ask you something?’ I said, between mouthfuls of strawberry ripple.

‘Sure.’

‘When we were talking, after the Taskforce thing, you said something about risking everything. What did you mean?’

Keraun was quiet for a while. ‘I was afraid I would kill them. To save you. And then I would have to leave.’

I wasn’t sure what I had been expecting, but that wasn’t it. ‘Why would you kill them? You’re a god. Can’t you just make them fall over or something?’

He gave a grim smile. ‘I’m not an overlord. Markarios doesn’t like it if we use Pamavianda in front of people, and my control of subtle magic is pretty much just weather and my personal appearance.’

‘So you’d have to interact like a normal person. That still doesn’t answer my question. Why would you kill them?’

‘You were up against multiple armed men. Trained agents. I wouldn’t be able to fight my way through before they hurt you. I was afraid that I’d be forced into a situation where I’d have killed them to get to you. I would’ve used lightning.’

I tried to picture that. ‘Inside?’

Keraun gave me a sly look. ‘Lightning is the one thing on this earth that I really can manipulate to my will. I can make it smash windows or strike down a hallway. I could make it work, but it would’ve been deadly to anyone standing in the way.’

I thought about that. Sean’s smug face floated into my mind. ‘If you’d killed Sean, I would have been grateful.’

Keraun’s expression turned grave. ‘You don’t understand.’ His voice was low. ‘Cyreans are stage five humans. If we kill someone, even in self-defence, it’s murder. No excuses. The Uzrun handle it, they’re like an agency for intergalactic stuff. Either way, I wouldn’t be staying here.’

We finished our ice creams in quiet thought. I wouldn’t say it aloud, but if he left now, I would miss him. More than I probably should. Sean was a small matter to deal with in comparison.

***

Cecelia stared at me, arms folded, pen down for the first time in weeks. September had begun with a flurry of icy rain and even hail. It was Sunday morning, and we’d holed up in the Wilson study room.

‘You have been hiding something from me,’ she said. It wasn’t a question.

Well, damn. I shrugged.

‘I know, Gabby. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?’

I met her unrelenting gaze. ‘I wanted to tell you…’ I faltered. But someone told me not to? It seemed safer for you not to know? I didn’t know where to start? This was my best friend across the desk. All my reasons crumbled away.

‘Spill, Gabs. You have to tell me about him!’

‘Him?’

‘Unless it’s a her. Either way, I don’t have time for a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, and if you’re not going to study for exams, you can at least let me live vicariously through you. So tell me, have you kissed yet?’ All her hardness melted as she leaned forward, eyes glowing, elbow on her physics book and chin resting in her hand.

‘I, ah, no.’ I still hadn’t caught up.

‘It’s okay if you’re gay, but that better not be the reason you’ve been hiding it.’

‘I’m not gay. Not that it would matter, I’d tell you. Ceel, what is this about?’

‘Your secret relationship! You’ve been sneaking off all semester, and I can’t think what else would be more important than exams!’ She sat back, frowning. ‘Actually, it isn’t more important than exams. You should prioritise your study.’

Oh. Now I wasn’t sure what to do. Ham this up, so she stopped obsessing over my activities, or pretend it wasn’t serious, which, well, I wasn’t sure I should be serious about Keraun, no matter how many times he intruded on my brain while I was studying.

I wanted to tell her the truth. About everything. Just thinking about that made my whole body sag with relief. But no. Stephen had said not to. I would be putting her in danger, more than she already was. I still kicked myself every time I thought about how I’d put Zenna at risk just to have someone to talk to. I had to tell Cecelia something to throw her off, but I didn’t know where to start. This was my best friend. Where was my intuition when I needed it?

I brooded for too long.

‘Oh, have you had a fight?’ Cecelia’s voice was tender. She put a hand on my arm. That was all it took. I fell to pieces, again. This embarrassing tendency had to stop. Cecelia came around the table, dragged me up from my chair and dropped me on the couch in the corner. She sat next to me and pulled me into her lap, and I gave in to the despair and the sobs and let every bit of tension I hadn’t known I’d been holding run out with the tears. Cecelia stroked my hair.

‘This is more than a boyfriend,’ she said when the worst of the crying had stopped. I swallowed and traced the pattern on a cushion with my pinky-tip.

‘What would you do if you were offered the perfect job, and guaranteed success as a doctor, but it was on Mars and meant you could never see your family and friends again?’

Cecelia was quiet for a moment, still playing with my hair. ‘I’d say my family is my guarantee.’

I sighed. Somehow the world was clear-cut for her. ‘But what if that was my choice? You know how rubbish I am with decisions.’

‘Have you been offered your perfect job?’

I had no idea what I’d been offered. ‘It’s complicated.’

‘Well, just do what feels right, I guess. But unless you are piloting a manned mission to Mars, I don’t see what would be worth losing our friendship.’ She squeezed my shoulders, then slid out from under my head. I sat up. She was looking at me with resignation. ‘You can’t tell me what this is, can you?’

If she’d said that two minutes ago, I probably would have told her everything, but my resolve crept back. I shook my head. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered.

‘It’s okay. But don’t forget that I’m still here for you, even if I don’t know what – or who – is making you so upset. Anything I can do to help.’

I smiled. ‘Thanks.’ My voice was stuffy.

‘And so you know, I don’t see you liking Mars. It’s a dusty desert. We can find something more suitable for you than that.’

I laughed weakly. ‘I’m not going to Mars.’

‘Good.’

I pulled myself up to a sitting position. ‘There is a boy, though.’ I could give her something, at least.

Her eyes sparked. ‘I knew it! Tell me. Do I know him?’

‘I doubt it. His name is Keraun. He’s tall, a bit skinny, dark hair, pretty terrible taste in cars’ – Cecelia rolled her eyes, she’d never remotely cared about cars – ‘and he’s older.’

She pursed her lips. ‘How much older?’

Keraun’s words echoed in my mind. You stop counting the years. What did age matter when it came to an alien god? ‘He’s eighteen. Nearly nineteen.’ Maybe. Give or take half a dozen years spent on the other side of the universe.

‘Well, as long as he’s still a teenager.’

I elbowed her. ‘He’s nice. I like him.’

‘And he likes you.’

My chest went all tingly. ‘Yeah, I think so.’

‘Keraun,’ Cecelia repeated. ‘Unusual name.’

I raided the kitchen for Milo as Cecelia, declining my offer to make one for her, returned to her study. I heaped a glass with four generous teaspoons, ate another spoonful straight out of the tin and poured milk into the glass. It bubbled for a moment, then a chunk of Milo burst to the top and spread out across the surface. I stirred it in.

‘How about I make a birthday cake out of Milo for you?’ a warm voice said behind me.

‘Nancy!’ I spun around and gave her an awkward one-armed hug, still holding my glass. I hadn’t seen much of her since my Event, and I hadn’t realised how much I’d missed her.

‘What are your plans?’ she asked, setting her grocery bag on the bench and pulling out vegetables.

‘Nothing, really.’ My birthday was on Friday, but with everything that had been going on, I’d been happy just to let it slide. Cecelia was busy with study, and Zenna hadn’t answered my last two messages. Birthdays were always awkward because I wanted to celebrate equally with Dad and Alex, but after one stiff, uncomfortable gathering ended with Dad being rude and Alex storming out, I’d stopped bothering. That said, Nancy’s cakes always made suffering through a birthday party worthwhile.

‘You can’t do nothing, you’re turning seventeen!’ Nancy fussed. ‘Tell you what, we’ll do something here. If it’s still raining, we’ll clear out the study.’

‘Cecelia won’t be happy with that,’ I said, laughing.

Nancy’s eyes took on a wicked gleam. ‘That girl needs to take a night off anyway. What do you say, we hide her books together, and I’ll cook? Jon and Alex are both welcome.’

She always said that, even though she knew I’d only invite one of them – I’d long ago given up on unravelling their drama. I smiled. ‘Sounds good.’

She gave me a motherly appraisal. ‘Your skin has cleared,’ she observed. ‘Stressed, though, I can see it in your face. I hope you’re getting more sleep than Cecelia. It’s not worth it, you know.’

‘I know, Nancy. I’m not going overboard. It’s just a busy time.’

Nancy nodded and continued washing carrots. ‘How are you going with your TISC applications?’

I hopped onto one of the stools behind the breakfast bar. ‘Hopelessly.’

‘Well, you can just do a general degree, and specialise later. You’re good with science.’

‘I’d fail the maths though.’ Which was the main thing putting me off science, I realised. I liked human biology, but I wasn’t good at maths. Or chemistry.

‘What about English? I did English and History majors. You learn a lot of transferable skills in Arts.’

I gave her a cheeky grin. ‘Isn’t that, like, code for a degree that leaves you unemployable?’

She pouted in mock outrage. ‘I was never unemployable! Four children probably did more to reduce my job prospects than an Arts degree.’

We laughed together. She kept putting up suggestions, and I kept coming up with excuses. The bottom line was nothing appealed. I could overcome my difficulties with maths if I really wanted to. But I didn’t care enough. When I’d been at Darkhaven almost every day, I’d missed my friends and chatting to Nancy while she cooked Sunday dinner (she’d let me help in the kitchen once, then banished me to the other side of the breakfast bar). Now that I wasn’t at Darkhaven, I realised that I also missed my sessions with Liam and conversations with Stephen. Darkhaven – and by extension, magic – was enticing. But soaking in the warmth of Nancy’s kitchen and thinking about Cecelia and her unconditional acceptance of me, I wondered if being intrigued about a career, even a magical one, was a good enough reason to leave everyone I loved.