I trudged through the forest, sometimes the snow as high as my knees. Pulling my boots upward, the sucking sounds of goopy mud filled my ears. Owls hooted. Coyotes howled. My brain filled with a terror I had never felt before. Ever.


Coldness seeped into my very core. My teeth chattered and hot tears quickly froze onto the tips of my dark eyelashes. How could she have left me? How could she leave me here all alone? Completely alone in the vastness? This blank nothingness. I turned and swirled and searched for answers I knew would never come.


Rage grasped me. Began to tear and claw like a vicious, hungry animal. I wept and screamed until my lungs could no longer hold the precious, life-sustaining air my body craved. Why? Why? Someone please tell me, why?


Clamoring on, the blizzard blinded my way. Where was I going? What was the point? I saw none. I should just lay down in whiteness and wither away. Allow the frigid temperatures to envelope me, to take me away to be with her. I welcomed the thought. I closed my eyes to imagine her. To hear the sweet lullabies she sang to me as a child. To smell the perfume she wore as she hugged me against her neck. She was there with me once again. I could feel it.


Yet it was all an illusion. It wasn't really true. None of it. My heart knew it. My mind turned to the bad memories. It told me of our arguments. The hurt feelings of my brother. The disagreements about my son. Her shushing my emotions.


And then, I fell to my knees. The numbness closed in. Quickly. Horribly. I couldn't feel my face. My hands. My feet. I heard only silence. Was my heart even beating anymore?


As I opened my eyes, a small wooden structure appeared before me. I could barely decipher the block letters on the sign above the entrance. "Pet Shelter of Unloved Monsters".


Just what did it mean? Confusion replaced emptiness. A temporary reprieve. I crawled my way toward the cabin-like place. Before I reached the dilapidated steps, a tall, sturdy man with a kind face opened the door.


"So glad you are here, my child. You have been expected."


A feeling should have been there. A feeling of peace. I had felt that before. Once. I should have felt it now but I didn’t. Why couldn't I feel peace now? I needed it. What was wrong with me?


I cried into the night. Many nights. He held me tight. He didn't question me. He didn't try to halt my heartache.


"I feel like monsters are inside me. I feel crazed. Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Numbness. Big. Bad. Ugly creatures are trying to take over. They're all trying to remove the goodness I ever felt in the world." I lowered my head and bit at my trembling lips. I tried to stop the tears but failed miserably. "I feel so, so, unloved now."


He never spoke a word but I knew. I knew the man felt me worthy. He felt me worthy of love. He knew the monsters would always be there but their presence would fade. They would dissipate if I didn't feed their ugliness.


Good or bad, I miss her. I always will. But I will emerge from the cold, dark, dreary days. I will wipe my tears and hold my head high. I will make my Momma proud.