She disappeared into the cold abyss as the fireworks unfolded in a burst of colours around her, signalling the end of the old year and welcoming the turn of the new. The crisp winter air coiled itself around the frosted trees and skimmed the surface of the lake just as she took that final step, allowing the lake to envelop her fully in its cold embrace. She fought against her instincts, every fibre of her being that screamed at her to resurface. The howling of the wind above her was occasionally interrupted by the distant cheers and laughter of those in peaceful oblivion. She shut her eyes tightly and dove deeper. 

   Eventually, her lungs started to burn, desperate for an oxygen refill. She opened her mouth in a panic and accidentally swallowed some water before shutting her mouth shut tight once more. For a few minutes, her body fought to survive and eventually, she caved in. She tried to swim back to the surface but it was already too late. The coldness of the lake and the lack of oxygen in her bloodstream had weakened her greatly. For a moment she became impervious to all feelings. Her movements ceased and she began to drift aimlessly beneath the calm waters. Her eyes stared unblinking to the sky, watching as the last flickers of fireworks faded away leaving her to be fully shrouded in darkness. 

Finally, she thought, I’ve finally found peace. 



   I watched, numb and in disbelief, as the divers dragged a stiff, frozen body from the depths of the lake onto the shore. My best friend, missing for almost two weeks, has finally been found. But not in the way that I expected.

Nononono, oh God please no. 

   A harsh cry tore itself out of my throat. Incoherent pleas bubbled forth as I screamed her name over and over again. A few police officers held me back as I began tearing my way through the crowd in a futile attempt to get to her. 

   My mind flashed back to the last time I saw her. Everything had been fine, we’d been hanging out at my place. Nothing seemed amiss. 

Maybe she didn’t want anyone to know, my subconscious whispered harshly. Maybe she didn’t want to be stopped. 

My mind flashed back to a week before I saw her last when she had called me on the phone crying. Heartbreaking sobs that seemed never-ending, then a scary silence like she just accepted her fate. 

The first sign, my subconscious whispered. 

The angry red lines on her wrists that she had tried to hide from me. Cat scratches, she insisted. 

The second sign, my subconscious taunted. 

The jokes about dying, the questions of what happens after death that she swore were only philosophical. The blankness in her eyes, the shadows on her face, the falter in her step. That tired demeanor and the way she seemed to slowly lose her bubbly self. 

Oh, so many signs, my subconscious hissed, but not one person cared. 

   I slumped against a police officer, the fight leaving my body. Angry, broken sobs slipped past gritted teeth as tears made frozen tracks down my cheeks. 

How dare I call myself her best friend when even I couldn’t detect the pain she was going through? Her wordless cries for help had been evident even if she had tried to pass it off as a joke. And yet I did nothing. I’ve been ignorant, taking her presence in my life for granted, a blessing I never deserved. And now with her gone, it was like a piece of my world had been ripped away, leaving behind a giant, jagged and unfillable hole. I have not just lost my best friend, I have lost everything. 

   Gone was the sweet girl who would always put a smile on my face even if I didn’t feel like it. Gone was my cheerleader who would always be there for my home games and tournaments, dropping whatever she would be doing at the moment. Gone was my rock, my support. I think back to the unfinished art projects and short stories that she had presented to me and my heart breaks all over again knowing that they will forever be suspended in time, unfinished. The characters on the pages do not know that their creator will no longer be there to end the stories she started. I huddled in on myself as our imagined futures shattered, no longer hopeful plans but rather broken dreams. To think that it will only be me that grows older and experiences the things we’d planned to get through together. 

   I watch through blurry eyes as she is taken away, her body covered in a white blanket. Her wrist slips out from under it due to the bumpy shore, exposing the friendship bracelet we bought years ago. The frost-covered silver glimmered in the late afternoon sun. I reach out to clasp her cold hand but the officer I had been leaning on pulls me back. Fresh sobs wracked my body and I fall to my knees as tears started to stream down my face once again. 

   I’m not ready to say goodbye, I thought. She can’t be gone. I refuse to believe it. The police officer covers my body with a blanket and rubs my shoulder soothingly, offering condolences I barely hear through my sobs as a way of comfort. 

   Her funeral came a few days later. Dressed in her favourite black dress with a light dusting of makeup to have her appear not so pale and dead. I approach her coffin with her favourite flower, a Lily of the Valley. My tears have dotted the velvety white petals like morning dew. I hold my hand against my mouth to stifle a sob. 

“You left too soon,” I whisper as I touch her cold cheek tenderly. 

   Letting go can be hard, my subconscious murmurs. Because you never know what you’ve had until you’ve lost it.