This is the story...my story.


I was kidnapped when I was thirteen years old back in 1988. It was Christmastime - my last Christmastime before, well, now.


A wicked, wicked woman and her husband took me. He was much younger than her. She didn't deserve him. He was nice to me, most of the time. At least later on.


Dr. Shepherd tells me it's called Stockholm Syndrome. I know what that is. I guess it's true. Because I also know that Jarrel wasn't a good man. He was actually a pretty bad man.


He knew that too. I don't know why he wasn't strong enough to stop though. I guess Tzarinah was just more powerful than he was. She was definitely powerful. I can't explain it. She just was.


Anyway, they found Jarrel's body on the mountain so I know he is gone for good. I hope my Angel is looking after him.


I know I shouldn't hope for these kinds of things, but I do. He was the only kindness I'd had for nearly 40 years.


They found lots more bodies up there too, not just Jarrel. There were even six more down at the other campsite. It was mostly just bones. One didn't have a skull though.


They never did find that skull.


The old sherrif who tried to look for me back in 1988, asked my mom and dad if they could bring me to see him once I got out of the hospital. He was in a nursing home.


He told me that he could die at peace now, but he asked me to forgive him first. I don't know why, but I told him that I forgave him.


My folks didn't realize how invested Sherrif Russells had been in my case. Everyone was crying. He just kept saying he was sorry, over and over again. It felt kind of awkward.


He passed right after we left him that day. I was told he just closed his eyes and drifted away. That's a good way to pass on, I think.


Up on the mountain, in the early days, Priestess Tzarinah would put on a cloak and start speaking Latin. Then she would command me to lay before Jarrel. The first two or three times, it was the most awful thing in the world. It was embarrassing and it hurt. But the more I would make a face, the more Tzarinah would laugh.


I couldn't stand the idea of making her happy though.


Instead, I liked making her upset. So I would stroke the back of Jarrel's head and scratch my nails down his back. He would moan and Tzarinah would glare so hard at me.


She hated it but those were the times they were successful with their plan. And Tzarinah's Dark Lord was pleased too.


I never saw him. But she spoke of him often.


She said they were in love. Which was sad because it hurt Jarrel's feelings.


I know I shouldn't care but...30-some years is a long time.


Tzarinah made it so I couldn't talk anymore, but I could still talk to my Angel in my dreams. And there were the raccoons. My Angel told me that one of them should be called Rascal the Seventh. I guess he must've been related to the Rascal that was on my wall. I know I sound crazy. But this is my life.


Cheri Reed came to see me! She was the one who found me. It was her grandpa that carved that message into the wall in the first place! That made me feel like Cheri was supposed to be the one to find me. She was a few grades ahead of me and I didn't know her back then. But she is pretty much my best friend now. She comes to see me often.


She never got married like me, but she has a few kids who know Janie's kids. I can't believe I am an aunt.


I am sad that I don't get to be around my babies. My Angel tells me that mine are all fine though; that they are there with her. Well, most of them anyway. There is still one here and the police are looking for her! I hope they find her. I'm not sure when I had her. I don't remember a lot. I call her Cheri when I think of her, though. If she was a boy I would have called her Jarrel. Or him, rather. Everyone says that's the wrong thing, though. But Jarrel helped to deliver all the babies. All of them - even the ones who were born sleeping.


I have to get a lot of counseling because I don't have the mind of a nearly 50-year old woman. They say my mind is still much younger, but I don't see why that's a problem. They also say I have trauma that can never ever be erased but it doesn't bother me much. Dr. Shepherd calls that "dissociation." He has a word for everything. They say I'm pretty healthy though so that is nice.


The doctor is working extra with me now because I am going to go on the same television program that my mom was on a couple weeks ago, and tell my story. This is why I am writing it out now, so I'll know what to say. They - mom and dad, Janie, Doc Shepherd and even Cheri keep telling me to not say that I loved Jarrel because he was too bad and people will think I'm really screwed up. They told me it wasn't real love and I guess that's true.


When I think back on my life, I don't think about it like memories, I think about it like watching a movie. And If I was being totally honest, it was a scary movie.


Everyone tells me I just got used to it.


I am wondering when I will get used to the way my life is now.


I live in my old bedroom and I sleep in my old bed.


It feels weird.


The hot baths and a real toilet are nice though.


We had to go buy new clothes for me because the others don't fit anymore but also people don't wear big shoulder pads and neon shoelaces anymore. I like looking at the fashion magazines, but fashions today are too plain. I still like neon colors. Like my backpack.


Oh, about the cult part, right...


So, Tzarinah and Jarrel tried to start a cult. She was jealous of Anton LaVey's daughter and how pretty and popular she was. So she changed her name to what her grandpa used to call her, just with different spelling. Anton LaVey's daughter was called Zeena so she put a Z in her name too. She was such a copycat.


Jarrel's name wasn't even Jarrel. It was Jared, but he was a junior and Tzarinah couldn't stand saying her ex-husband's name. She was so petty and jealous. It's so dumb because it still sounds the same as Jared. I can't see him as a Jared though.


I guess I should be thankful to Tzarinah's Dark Lord because he just kept telling her to let me live. I don't know if I believe in him, but she did and I'm still here. And now I'm back home with my mom and dad even though they are old now. I guess I am too. When mom and dad get too old I am going to live with Janie. I don't think I could live alone.


Anyway, they tried to bring in other people to this cult but none of the women liked her, they only liked Jarrel. The men didn't like her either because she had really bad teeth. Plus she was just a mean person.


So they kicked everyone out. Or maybe they killed them. I can't really recall. Lots of people came and went over the years.


But when they sent the ransom letters to my mom and dad, they had to sign it with something so they used their cult name, Cult of the Dead Heart. Dr. Shepherd says people like that want to flaunt their evil, so that's why she wanted their name known. It's a pretty stupid sounding name if you ask me.


But the cult never really took off. It kind of just became one of those urban legend things. People need to pay attention to that stuff. There were ghost stories about that camp that no one believed and look how that turned out to be true.


Oh and the ransom notes...Tzarinah did that just out of pure hatred. She hated me so she hated my family too. She hated that I had a mother. She didn't because her mother died in childbirth and mine didn't.


The last note, Jarrel made himself. The one that came to my parents' house the day Cheri found me.


Tzarinah was very sick by then and Jarrel told me to go. I didn't want to leave him but he told me I had to.


Then he started yelling and I got scared because I never saw him like that toward me.


He threw an old pair of shoes at me and told me I'd better run by the time he came back to the room.


I don't remember anything other than putting them on and running to the road. My Angel was showing me where the road was.


And then Cheri was there.


I didn't know what to think. Was she going to take me back to Tzarinah? But then I wondered why she would do that so I let her help me. I still wasn't feeling well anyway and Jarrel wanted me to go to a doctor, I think. They wound up giving me a hysterectomy. I remember when my mom had one too. I think I was 12.


Jarrel must have followed us into town so he could drop the note off for my parents. I don't really know how they knew where I lived before. Dark magic, I guess.


The police say he did it just to throw everything off and everyone would think someone else did this and not him. I think he was still cloaked by the spells too because no one saw him. Not even that weird doorbell camera thing.


But I think he decided it was better to just be honest and let them discover the camp. Even if they were dead and the entire area was burned to the ground, it was better to just tell the truth. If Jarrel could tell the truth, then I should too, so that's why I am going to go on that show.


Tzarinah would be happy though because someone was saying that my story is going to be turned into a book and then maybe even a movie! I still hate making her happy even though she's dead. But I will talk to the people about my story. I know it's pretty interesting. And scary. But it has a happy ending, right? Because I am home and this is Christmas Eve.


Dr. Shepherd says my story might help other cult survivors and that's good too. I am the most extreme survivor he's seen though, whatever that means.


As for me, though, I just want to try to be normal again. I know that I will never be the same, but I want to try.


So I am going to go put up the Christmas tree with my mom now.


I get to put the angel up on the top.


I wasn't tall enough to do it before.