An unexpected gift from a secret Santa arrived. At least, that’s what I thought it was. I found it just as I got home after a particularly gruesome shift at work. The upcoming Christmas holidays made everyone go into a frenzy of shopping sprees, trying to find gifts, outfits and the apropriate food products for the hearty holiday dinners, much to the dismay of every store employee in the country I was sure. I dragged my feet up the two porch steps and it sat there. A green packaged box tied with a red ribbon. Instinctually I glanced around, of course finding nothing out of the ordinary. Josh and I closed in on this house just 2 months ago and we haven’ t had the time to get to know the neighbors or even make new friends.

I grabbed the box and stepped inside, immediately abandoning my coat and my shoes. Setting the package on the kitchen counter, I teared the paper and opened it, just to see one of Josh’s sweaters, the one I got him last Christmas. Checking inside the box, I picked up the card that laid inside.

“Wear this if you feel lonely at nights ;)”

I pulled my cell from my jeans pocket and found our chat.

“Is that your idea of a romantic “gift” or is it that you ‘re cheezy and I never realized till now?”

The text bubbles immediately appeared. He laughed and told me he missed me, he couldn’t wait to get home on Friday, just four more days to go. He got this new job that required the relocation, it had been a difficult transition but the benefits were worth it, even if we had to accept the fact that he would have to travel one week each month, at least until they hired more colleagues for his department.

“Just so you know, I will wash it first before wearing it, it smells kinda funky, I don’t think the transport company did very well in packaging it”

The sweater did smell faintly of his cologne but still funny, so I threw it in the washing machine, not prepared to do the chore tonight. It was a wine and pizza night, I could pass out in front of the tv before reliving the same hellish day tomorrow.

Josh gave me a heads up about more gifts that were to follow and I drifted off to the thought of him.

It was Wednesday when the second gift arrived. I opened the box to find a pair of matching red underwear that had me anxious. Josh knew I was uncomfortable putting myself on display and couldn’t find the sexy, confident persona in me due to all the scars that marred my body. Still, from the beginning of our relationship he was patient and kind, never pushing my boundaries or making me feel bad about my issues. The card this time wrote “You are perfect for me just the way you are". I melted a little and thanked him for his gift, promising to wear it on Friday when we would meet again.

“I can’t wait to see you in them” he wrote.

On Thursday morning, there was an envelope waiting for me in the store. When I opened it, I was speechless seeing the two tickets to Lisbon. He had written “This will be our new beginning”

Is he planning on proposing? My head was spinning all day, picturing how would he do it while simultaneously somersaulting with dread. I haven’t been back home in 3 years now. While I spoke to my parents almost every day and them having visited me twice here in London, I haven’t dared step my foot back there. Josh hasn’t met them yet, so if he bought these without even discussing it with me first had me sure that he wanted to propose, since he was a bit traditional, he would want to get their blessing first.

After another dreadful day at work, my anxiety had subsidized and my excitement had taken the front seat. Nothing would go wrong, we would go there, have Josh meet my parents, do a little sightseeing and we would be back before I knew it. I hadn’t kept in touch with anyone in my home country before fleeing back then, so no one would hear I was there or see us. I profusely thanked him once I got home and told him how happy he made me. He sent me a hurried loving text before he got to his next meeting and told me that the next day he would bring my last gift with him when he got home.

Today, I was fidgety all day at work, watching the clock and willing the time to pass quickly. By the time I got off it was nearly 10 pm and I powered through, just so I had some time to get ready. I got home and had a quick shower, put on my brand new lingerie under my silk robe and heard the front door open just as I was doing the finishing touches to my makeup. I took my time in the bathroom, curling my hair and spraying myself with the expensive fragrance Josh got me for my birthday, hoping that he had enough time to grab a shower in the ensuite of our bedroom. I opened the door and turned the corridor where I was presented with rose petals scattered all over, showing the way to the bedroom.

As I stepped in, I froze at the doorway, willing myself not to faint on the spot. My stomach turned to lead as I looked into his eyes, my brain not comprehending what was in front of me. Alexandre, my ex, the whole reason I had to leave my parents behind and switch countries, cut off everyone and find a new country with no strings attached. The last time I saw him, his hands and face were bloodied and he wore a crazed expression while he beat me to a pulp in our apartment, driven by his obsessive jealousy of me and anything surrounding me. That wasn’t the first time he had laid his hands on me but it was the worst and the last, I had swore myself before disappearing so that he couldn’t find me. I had spent nearly 3 weeks in a hospital while he vanished to escape the consequences. My body was permanently mutilated because of him and now he was casually leaning on the wall next to my window as he looked me up and down, smirking.

“I see you liked my gift” his voice agitated every neuron in my brain and tried to force me into the mindspace I was three years ago. When I caught up to what he said, I tightened my robe and swallowed down bile.

“What’s the meaning of this? What the fuck are you doing here and how? Where’s Josh?” I looked around jerkily, still not able to comprehend.

“There ‘s no Josh you stupid bitch” his aggressive tone making me flinch. He always lost control if I spoke another mans name.

“There ‘s only me and you and finally now that I found you, noone is gonna stand between us, especially not some fucking guy you decided to open your legs for like a whore” he stood from the wall and I braced myself.

“Open your last gift Ana, let’s get it over with” he pointed to a box sitting on the bed. On mine and Josh’s bed. A scarlet liquid escaped from it, painting my favorite sheet and my vision. My legs nearly gave out and I grabbed on the door frame. Alexandre crossed the room in three strides, ripped open the package, grabbed something and threw in at me. I jumped back just in time to see Josh’s head roll on the carpet towards me.

I didn’t think I would be able to stop screaming ever again. A sound that barely resembled human escaped me and just kept coming. I stared at the lifeless eyes of Josh and all our memories passed through me in a flash. Our first meeting, our first time together, the house we bought, the travels we took, my kind, patient Josh laid on my feet dead by my worst nightmare.

Just as I tried to gather my mind together, he pounced. He pushed me full force to the corridor and I collapsed on the wall, struggling to get up and get myself out. He ran after me, not letting up even a moment, the glint in his eyes sadistic and cruel. I threw myself down the stairs, just so I can put some distance between us.

“Come here right now Ana, you know that if you fight me you ‘ll lose, I ‘ll always get you, you can’t hide from me, you belong to me” he roared on top of the staircase.

Don’t answer, get up, get out, live, live live. It ‘s amazing how much a human’s body has the ability to instinctively remember. For three years I worked on myself to get him out of my mind, my memories, to move forward and heal. And now, I am back in that tiny apartment in Lisbon, fighting for my life again. I got in the kitchen just as he rounded the door and put the table between us. This is a game of cat and mouse. If he catches me I ‘m not gonna have another chance to survive him. Something in my bones screams this at me.

“Get here and noone gets hurt Ana. We ‘re going back home, together as we should” he tries to placate me. My eyes scan the room and fall on the block of knives to my right. Will I make it? Is he faster? I lunge to the knives just as he grabs me and grapples with me on the counter. I throw at him anything I can reach, until he immobilizes my hands and screams at my face

“You are nothing without me, do you hear me? Nothing! If you are not with me you are 5 feet underground bitch! This is what needed to be done back then” spit flies from his lips as he grasps my neck and squeezes with all his strength.

My legs start kicking and I scratch his hands and his face, wherever I can reach but it’s like he feels nothing. His madness is unmovable and he won’t stop. My mind slurs and I start to lose my fight. My hands fall aside. Is this how I die? I thought I was safe and I let my guard down. And then, the face of Josh. He didn’t deserve this ending. My sweet Josh. In my mind he screams but I can’t make out the word he is saying. It’s difficult to hear with all the snarling from Alexandre and the numbing in me. But then I read his lips. “Scissors, scissors, scissors” he says. My left hand touches the drawer. The drawer where Josh keeps his tools. My clever, organized Josh.

I pull the handle and blindly search as my vision turns black in the corners. I ‘m not gonna make it. The scissors are in my hand one moment and the next, I use all the strength I have left to plunge it in Alexandre ‘s ribs. The pressure on my neck loosens and I cough violently as Alexandre pushes back and tries to pull the scissors out. I have no time left. I kick my leg out, hitting him square on his chest and he falls on the floor. I scrabble for the knives that are scattered and grab one hard. This is it. I clamber on him and without thinking, I stab him again and again, incessantly. He stopped moving a while ago and I still jab at him. Should I let go? I don ‘t know how to. Am I still screaming? Do I make this sound or is it sirens? Is really someone here to help? Sobs start racking my body and I drop on my back, squeezing my chest, willing my heart to stop trying to get out and gulping air in my lungs. I am still breathing. I am still here.