Chapter 1
I remember every second that created this eternity. I remember meeting him for the first time and in what might’ve been forever; feeling like I'd been through everything up to that point because I needed to learn the story that he kept locked away in his eyes. It really was like it was a secret that only I could know, like I'd found something only thought of by the rest of the world as a myth. I was the guardian of an ancient secret, chosen to protect the knowledge that would destroy the earth, if they had known it was real. I didn't realize it then, but in an establishment packed full of people - my soul seemed to know what it was looking for and just where to find him. everybody else was just white noise but I had only seemed to be focused in on the music that was playing and it wasn’t coming from a jukebox or pa system. As I moved closer to the sound, it became the tone of a voice, surrounded; still by white noise but so clear to me.
I dunno. Maybe I told myself it wasn't real, it was a dream and I'd wake up to be left in my sorry, cold little world. Maybe I convinced myself that he didn’t even see me and that all the conversations we’d had were just figments my mind had created because it knew I needed something to hold onto in the wake of it’s chaos. But as they say “ you can’t deny a connection like that”. You can ignore it, pretend it isn't there, bury it, Convince yourself that you are insane. But it will - in the worst way prove you wrong.
We had both just lost someone who played a crucial role in our lives; both a mess trying to make sense of our tragedies and find solace along the way. Sometimes I wonder if it is all real or was my mind protecting me from everything it knew would destroy me. Meeting him was like being home for the first time. I had always been so out of place and knowing that seemed an endless torment. He didn't know me from the next groupie trying to hit it off with the town’s next big breakout band, but I think somehow he could tell that for me…. it wasn’t about status or titles or the attention. I think that was his peace. He needed to know that someone saw him. Forget the fact that he fronted a band that had a cult following, forget the “rockstar” reputation.
You could tell that - that life was his world, but he needed someone to see the man behind the microphone. To be honest, I was taken immediately, his lyrics spoke right to me and in some warped way… even though we were never alone, when he was there The whole fucked up world just went away and all the things I panicked about every second of every day it all just dissolved. My light in a darkened room, this guy became the only reason I believed that good exists because, I’m one of those people who need proof to believe in something. I would look forward to the shows but not for the fact of hearing the band. I loved picking the brain of an intelligent, kind, relentlessly hopeful man with a “never give in” attitude. Even going through his own personal hell, he was the first person who taught me that within every tragedy you survive, there’s always some beauty that survives with you, and all you can do is savor it, until you can pay it forward - and I am forever grateful that he did.
Chapter 2
I’m drawn to strong people. No, not them…. They only claim to be strong. I’m talking about the ones who fight with every breath in them while saving the other “hopeless” along the way. The ones who have to shout it from the rooftops are weak, scared, cowards.
I’d see the band at least twice a month at the same dive bars around town and while I loved hearing their talent… I lived for the breaks in between the first and second half of the set. People who would speak their mind and not worry about the consequence of their actions were always my heroes. I’m not referring to the ruthless twats out there who wear a tough guy mask and act heartless. I’m a sucker for those who will back their stance with a decent retort. I was 15. Young. Stupid, Naive as all hell and I knew it. So, I figured “savior complex”. I was in an awful place in my life and boom… there was a “knight” to save the damsel in distress. I thought “infatuation” because a guy who wasn’t a complete piece of work was talking to me, seemingly interested in my trivial obsessions and even sharing some of them.
It was the fact that I was starved for positive attention… or at least that’s how I justified writing it off. Who knows, maybe it was a defense mechanism in my brain because I was only ever accustomed to people pretending they gave a shit and then ditching me for something they believed to be better… The flaw in that theory was that - he never left. Never did anything to hurt me or make me feel like I was less of a person. Never used my insecurities to destroy me (and trust me - he knew them all) Only thing he ever did was assure me that the world was full of shit and I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. “Slide” by the Goo Goo Dolls comes to mind as I’m recalling how this all came to be. He showed me faith but not the type of faith you think of when you hear the word. The kind of faith you need if you’re gonna survive the hell you endure over the period of a lifetime.
Those moments that seemed so small were the moments that have carried me through the darkest days this life has seen. I feel guilt because as far as I can tell - I have never and probably never will be able to give it back. In some ways I feel like I’ve robbed him of it.
So, let’s go back to the first night. I had originally gone to hear the local sounds, I had lost a great person in a car wreck about a week before and we all needed a distraction from the pain. I walked into a smokey dive bar and watched the band set up, the frontman seemed to keep himself busy or hidden until he was needed on stage. I remember being severely intimidated by him because of that - but it didn’t deter me for long, which was strange because.. I wasn’t one to inject myself into a crowd - let alone walking straight up to the rest of the band to tell them they were awesome and asking if the frontman would be back around.
The drummer called him over and we started talking. I could tell he had something on his mind but I wasn't one to pry and I wasn’t real sure at that point if he was in the mood for polite conversation so I started with some generic line he must’ve heard half a dozen times about how talented they were and left it at that.
Chapter 3
I started to think I should’ve just stayed home when they started into the second part of their set. I was an anti-social wallflower trying to forget, or connect - something. I’d heard that he wasn't the sweetest being on the planet, so of course I was second guessing the whole “talk to him, it’ll be fun” instinct that had been nagging at me. Two minutes into the first song of the second part of their set the lyrics had me somewhere between crying because of the loss of a close friend or tearing up because while, I still had no idea what was on his mind - I could tell by watching him that whatever he was singing about…. That wound was still very fresh for him too.
After they made the “one last song for ya” announcement, I was pulled from what felt like six seconds of solace but wasn’t about to let it drop at that. I walked up, cautious as a church mouse and asked if I could lend a hand with the gear. A stand in roadie or something of the sort. I honestly had every intention of helping them load up but, we loaded maybe an item or two and got to talking… I’m sure the rest of the guys really appreciated that. ( Sorry guys.) At the end of the night I had asked when they would play again and where to catch them (Enter the beginning of the very uneasy infatuation).
I don't remember if I caught the next show but I know that in between the weekly stress and breakdowns I thought about the kindness shown and it dawned on me that I'd really like to see them again and it wasn't just for the music. The next show I caught was at a venue across the street and up a ways from the first. There was already another band set up and midway into it. I waited anxiously outside looking for familiar faces away from the crowd. Up comes the drummer looking a little more than aggravated but greeting me with the same warmth and charisma as the first time. I asked him what was wrong as he muttered something about his guitarist leaving them high and dry for the night because he was 30 minutes away with his new girlfriend and couldn’t make it. He quickly changed the subject, asking about how I was after making the quick statement that the guitarist was out if he didn’t show up in the next twenty minutes.
Chapter 4
We talked for a bit, just long enough to walk each other through our weeks, before asking where the bassist and vocalist were as if I thought they travelled together in some tour bus or carpooled together to the gigs they played.
(I told you, I had just turned fifteen and was new to the whole underground band scene and how it worked.)
He laughed, clearly pretty amused by the question and said “We all drive separate vehicles, but - they’re only about five minutes out.”
I was startled by someone coming up behind us and quickly turned around to see them both standing there, First greeting me and then asking if there were any updates on the guitarist’s ETA, having a short conversation with their drummer before concurring with the drummers earlier statement of a replacement if he didn’t show.
They set up all the gear before they decided to carry on without him, the vocalist would play guitar for the night and in walks the guitarist at the last second grinning at the others as if to say “got’cha… had ya worried for a second though, didn’t I”? They were not amused as he had apparently actually pulled that stunt for real a time or two before… The show ends and we all gather around in a small circle talking and before the end of it they all invite me to the next show “same time - same place…. possibly with the same guitarist”.
They all looked over at him as if warning him about the thin ice he was bouncing around on without a second thought..
“Chill guys, I’ll be here for sound check” before shooting back a “I’m scared, really.. I am”. smartass grin, saying goodbye to me with a smile and then darting off to his next destination. The rest of the guys looked at each other all at once with a perturbed look but quickly lightened up again when another set of followers came up to tell them they sounded great.
I started to walk away without saying anything before hearing a voice interrupt the crowd's praises to ask if I’d be there. “yeah. I’ll be here, If I don’t show - send an ambulance, something bad happened to me on the way.” I grinned back, glowing at the thought that they seemed to really want me to show up and turning shades of red because of who asked again.. vocalist.
I heard the drummer laugh loudly after an inaudible comment to the vocalist with a quick side jab. The vocalist just rolled his eyes and smiled at me and I scurried away with a schoolgirl giddiness no one will ever top.
I remember feeling guilty for laughing just weeks after Tony Died. I felt like he deserved the world to stop in honor of his memory, but the following week, I would be left baffled with a sense of relief after a conversation with the vocalist. He had wondered why I acted a little down that night so I explained about losing the only real friend I had made who I had met 6 months prior, in a car wreck. I explained that had it not been for me praying for a best friend he might’ve not met me and he’d still be alive. He looked stunned by that comment and didn't skip a beat before confiding that he had just lost his mother and was coping with that the best he could but that I should never feel guilty for laughing because our loved ones wouldn’t want it any other way.
Chapter 5
That might’ve been the day it happened. That Might’ve been the day I fell In love with him. Who knows. All I knew is that after being told by literally everyone else that I barely even knew Tony let alone had any right to mourn his loss, That I needed that kind of empathy, I remembered being both dumbfounded by that, along with super skeptical of him from that point on...but only for a while afterwards.
We both lost someone and while my loss couldn’t even compare to his, we seemed to bond over it. I was scared to believe in his kindness. I tried my best to logically dismiss what I felt.. vulnerability, infatuation, as much as I didn’t want to acknowledge it…. trust. I really couldn’t spare the time or energy for any of that. I was too busy with the outside bullshit and trying to keep my head above water, fighting the urge to just quit, despite the kindness I’d been shown. “He’ll leave anyway.. Or die.”
Fast forward a few months later, He was in a relationship and some lying scumbag had started showing interest in me and being that No one ever had before at that point (or at least, not that I had caught onto.) I jumped at the chance and sadly felt lucky to have anyone paying attention to me. My new musician friend didn’t like it. I figured he knew the guy was a scumbag and pegged him as such immediately. But, for a while - kept it to himself; I suppose out of respect for me or maybe he was too busy in life to really notice but when he did, he watched me closely and one night at a show I was there when my newly ex- boyfriend showed up. I was crying when my buddy came outside for a smoke during an intermission and saw it.
He no sooner reached me to ask what was wrong when the ex approached me, about ten feet away and started rambling bullshit apologies accompanied by crocodile tears…. to which my new friend responded quickly, by jumping between us and asking me if I was okay. His eyes were locked on mine deathly focused on my answer. I glanced up to the ex only to have my friend repeat his question with a stern urgency “ARE YOU OKAY!?”. His tone startled me, I just looked at him shaking my head but mid shake he turned to the ex who apparently thought it was a good idea to walk closer to us. “Just go home, you made your choice, it’s over.. Go home.” I said to him through tears… He was a foot from me when my friend turned to him and said “ You heard her.. she doesn’t wanna talk.” ….. the dumbass kept walking towards us as though he was tough until he was four steps from us and started to say something again, but was cut off by my Friend who was now standing sideways in between both of us… step for step matched with a glare on his face I’d never seen before or since…. “GO HOME.”
Needless to say the coward backed off and never bothered me again. I was too shook up to really appreciate it then but no one since him has ever stood up for me like that. I’d never seen him pissed off before but I started crying and he went from zero to sixty on the “do not fuck with her” scale. I’m pretty sure THAT’S when It happened. But, I was either too slow to get it or too busy shutting it out to acknowledge the fact that I really loved him. I was one of those “you can’t love someone you barely know”. People, too. So. It could be either, or….
Chapter 6
I’m not gonna sit here and lie to you like some bullshit fairy-tale story
and tell you I remember every word that was ever exchanged between us. But, I will swear on anyone’s grave that I savored what memories weren’t destroyed by trauma in between the years and still cherish every bit of what I can recall… bittersweet or not. He is still the second on a list EXACTLY that long of people that I have rarely had to question loyalty, honesty, motive, or intent. I will only say that on the days that were in question; I was not well. and my mind was working against itself on a suicide mission, which it was known to do quite frequently.
I think, very honestly - that, In an attempt to save face I started claiming him as a best friend so I could disregard what my heart was trying to say.. If you haven’t caught on yet, I have major trust and commitment issues to this day with a side of Chero AND Philo phobias.. which is a slight oxymoron due to obvious reasons… but it makes for great entertainment. * unamused sarcastic eye roll*
I really can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened verses the moment I was blindsided and couldn’t control or contain the acknowledgement OF the actual fact and my world seemed to crash, but - there’s a lot more to catch up on before we get to all of that, so, let’s dig a little deeper. As the years went on - I caught every show the band did that I possibly could, not just to see or talk to him, but I will say that’s the sole reason I kept going. They were a fantastic band and an amazing group of people, but - I don’t pay that much attention to detail for anything usually; especially when I'm in the frame of mind I was in back then…. That man actually saved me from myself, I can say that beyond the shadow of a doubt.
My family hated him. Some, openly - Some, passive-aggressively, in a two-faced manner. But, they HATED him. They stopped their crusade though, I think It was a mix of me biting back at every demoralizing cut they made about him, or us eventually moving away, or whatever. But, they never stopped turning that hate on me, assuring me that he didn't give a shit about me, I “publicized” his band for free and every time I referred to him as a best friend, they’d roll their eyes and laugh. The thought of that still makes my blood boil because I know better…. on most days…..
The last show I could’ve attended of theirs to show my support to them and see him one last time before we moved away was curtailed by an iron fist to which I responded with rage that no one could ever match. I was livid. The fact that I was small and weak didn't stop me from stepping up (or trying). I never made it out to that show and I held a burning hatred for years because of it. But, what are ya gonna do?
We moved a week later and I was crushed. But, I hid that pretty well and I dealt with it the best I could until one night, I couldn’t. two or three years after we moved ( maybe not even that long) I was thinking about all the shit I had endured and it all seemed pointless and endless. I was trapped, so I waited til the middle of the night. I sent him and another best friend a final thank you and goodbye and I tried to end it all. I woke up from a coma with a breathing tube down my throat which I tried to pull out hoping I could still succeed… My family told me that he had once again - from thousands of miles away - saved my life. He continually texted my brother until he woke up to tell him that he needed to get me to a hospital stat. because something was not okay.
Technically - anyone with any sense would by now gather that, If I was full of shit and wishful thinking about the rest…. That was proof that he indeed was, whether he got credit for it from them or not…. my best friend. Yet, some days, I still question the validity of it all (which, if you don't know…makes you feel like a really shitty friend.) I know what feeds that doubt And I know why that doubt is complete bullshit given the circumstances. But, damned if some days -that doubt doesn't suffocate me and still… damn near, take me under.
Chapter 7
After we moved to South Carolina, the band would play a few shows in Georgia before completely disbanding a few short months later. We hit most of the shows before they did. I remember knowing in my core, The first show that they played there would mark the beginning of the end. It was as if this place was sucking the life out of everything beautiful and I was feeling it’s decay. I had asked them because the vibe just felt altogether different. Maybe they knew it would crush me if they told me… maybe - they hated to see the end themselves and just didn't wanna call it. Subconsciously - I was savoring every second of those last shows. By that point, I felt like all the guys were family of sorts. We would enjoy what time we had and afterwards; my biggest fears came to be a reality.
I eventually lost touch with the others, One went on to be a soldier, one - pursued college and hit the pavement after graduation as a roadie/ stage hand for his favorite bands, and the other one who I was closest to besides the vocalist became a father and I think I heard he went on to be an electrician, but I could be mistaken. It always struck me, How the oldest ones in the band were the closest to my heart.
The bittersweetness of it all depending on the day, will either comfort me, or leave me completely leveled. All I really know is that they all have a place in my heart.
Alright. Enough of the sappy shit and back to the point. After everybody scattered and went on with their lives - I would still keep in touch with him and ask how the rest of the guys were doing, for a while, they all kept in touch with him and he’d pass along the updates. My life would leave me in a monotonous state for years on end and being ripped away from the people who became close was rough. I’d managed…. if you could call it that. for years, I just existed and was really ready to just- give up.
I had panic attacks regularly. Becoming intimately acquainted with depression, I clung to those years to keep me sane. I remember one day in particular, I was at work and dealing with a lot of family related stress and I started shaking uncontrollably, and freaking out. I remembered thinking that I was probably gonna wind up back in the hospital - which, at that point the staff on the eighth floor knew me by name and I was convinced they kept a bed open for me. I was a bit of a frequent flyer on the psychiatric floor.
I clocked out, explaining the personal nature of the catastrophe at hand; I felt claustrophobic. The store was swamped with regulars inquiring about my well being. I just shoved past them all and ran outside, pretty much crashed to a sitting position trying my best to control my breathing so I didn’t black out on the sidewalk. My hands were shaking so hard that I barely pulled up the dial pad to call for a ride and out of nowhere, my mind pulled an excerpt of a conversation we’d had from the archives, and it gave me the quick idea to try and find a song of theirs on a well known music site. Against the odds, I found one. I ran it on a loop, full volume and from black out status anxiety - in a little while after focusing on his voice, I noticed that I wasn't freezing in the middle of August and I didn’t feel like someone was suffocating me anymore. His hugs always had the exact same effect.
I’m not proud to say that in high-stress situations, the thought of him is the one thing that grounds me. In a way it feels pathetic. I look at it as a kind of weakness and no one was ever supposed to have that much pull over my emotions...But in another breath - I wish I could tell him he did because, I feel like he should know that he is, to date - one of the best souls that I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and having him in my life is more than I deserve.
Chapter 8
I love him, and I think that, that - paired with the fact that I trust him more than any other being on the planet, scares the shit out of me.
As bad as it sounds, a part of me is still waiting for the fallout because everybody knows that when something seems too good to be true, it usually is. Don’t get me wrong, I know he’s not perfect but if I could build a man, he would be the man I built. His flaws are fucking perfect and the rest is like those dreams you wake up from and immediately break down because, you know reality could never taste so sweet.
I’m torn between thinking that it wasn’t ever supposed to go like this, that I should’ve spoken up. Despite of how everything in me just cowered at the thought of it and being glad that I didn’t because, in the back of my head - i’m certain that I probably would’ve ended up destroying everything I love about him in the end and hating life for it...I have this problem where my instincts and my fear seem to blur. I can’t tell the difference between the two and it all fades to black. Yay me… He’s my Cliche.. He’s the one That I will regret for the rest of my life because, sixteen years after the fact, he’s still around - he’s also perfectly placed; just out of reach and it’s too late now to say a goddamn thing.
“Way to go, hot-shot. That worked out so well, didn’t it”?
Yes. That was a special edition insider’s look into the conversations that I have with myself Every. Day. I don’t think my inner child is ever gonna let me live it down… I’m not really sure that she should.
When you’re in love with someone that you let get away, your psyche will bounce back and forth between “way to go, dumbass.” and the ever hopeful “what’s meant to be, will be”. or “In Due Time”. which, will start to drive you fucking mad because by that point the contrast between the two becomes deafening, and it starts playing jump rope with your sanity for fun.
This, girls and boys - Is “love; actually”. But, see. Here’s why I was so blindsided when it hit me.. I was never one to like the popular fairy-tales, where some dipshit tried to convince children that there was a prince charming or a beautiful princess. I fell in love with the more realistic side of life. The tragic tales, like “The Crow” or “Sleeping with Other People”. I hate chick-flicks to this day, But that one was so real that, It kind of gave me hope.
We’ve all heard these lovesick pups go on and on after a break up about how there will “never be anyone else”.
Yadda, yadda… Get back to me in three weeks to a month when you’re “in love” all over again with someone new until they piss off just like the last.
Mine wasn’t like that. We never dated and I can’t say “It’s his fault”. If I’m secretly thankful for it, now… can I?
The way that my story played out was that; in the formative dating years when you learn from the examples given of how a ma-- well of how people in general, should treat other people regardless of what their relationship to that person is… You know, how they say “women look for someone like their father”. and vice versa. If we wanna get technical, I could say it ties into the whole “the abused will abuse”. theory, plainly stating that you will go out and find an individual who treats you how you’ve been taught you should be treated… Well, That’s the time-frame in which we met, and I guess it stuck with me.. He taught me that I was something of value. It can get lonely, when you wait for what you deserve. But, I am forever grateful for the night he chased my scumbag of an ex away and reiterated time and again, since... that, I - deserved better.
Chapter 9
I haven't been at this laptop for three days, not out of lack of things to write; but, all of this is starting to take its toll. I wanted to clear some headspace and maybe convince myself to stop clinging to the idea of this so much and the more I say - the worse I feel.. See? My fifteen year old self knew all this emotion was gonna fuck me over. Should’ve left it buried. Too late now, Pandora's box isn’t gonna magically reseal itself. I guess I’ll just “man up” and do this.
People think of love or being in love as a be all, end all. All anybody wants is to feel loved, what they don’t take into account while lusting over love is the aftermath of what it does when it’s gone… Or if it was never there in the first place. Do you know how bad it aches when the one you wanna tell everything to, is the only one you can’t?
I think it’s time to get into the heaviness. To do so, I need to take you back about mid-way and introduce you to another person. I’m probably gonna wind up stepping away from this to focus on my breathing but, it won’t affect the way that the story reads or how anything plays out. Promise.
Let's Begin. We met when I was in high school and I hadn't known it at the time, - when we started classes together, she would play an almost bigger part in my life than he would… She was awesome. We met in Lit. class I remembered thinking “If I could be like that”. She was a rocker chick with a head on her shoulders and a mind of her own. Initially intimidating as hell, but sweet as anything when you got to talking.
I can’t remember how the conversation started, I can only imagine she either heard me going on about my favorite bands or saw the graffiti scrawled across my notebooks, hell… maybe I commented on her band tee. in an effort to get to know her better. I had enough anxiety back then that I didn’t need any extra and she seemed approachable. We got to talking about our favorite bands. I remember her binder had posters of an especially controversial rock star who I had shared a strong liking with. Eventually, even though we didn’t hang out outside of school or really even that class, I would count her as a good person and a “friend in passing”.
She was there at one of the last shows the guys did before we left.. It was about 6 months before we moved, in August. I think I remembered the bassist and guitarist talking about some kind of a joint bash for the drummer and guitarist's birthdays… Anyway, Her and the vocalist had just officially started dating and they seemed to be great together. So, I'm not sure why I was blindsided at what came next…
A year later in 2005 the guys would come up for a few shows. The third one in, they had come with a guest, It was the girl from Lit class. She hopped out of the van that the guys had ridden down in. ( if that’s not a premonition, I don't know what is.)
I was happy to see her. We hugged and got to talking and she told me about going into college then held up her hand to show me a ring.
“Oh my god!Congrats! Who's the lucky guy?” Her response left me paralyzed, and the worst part about it was… it took me a good 6 minutes until I figured out why, 3 of them occupied by me trying to save face and convince myself to find my voice to say something...by that time there was nothing to say… guess I didn’t have much of a poker face when it came to him.
I felt awful. I tried but couldn't find the words. What do you say to your friend when you realise that you just realised that you are in love with your best friend - who just happens to be the fiance? The rest of my night was spent trying to hold it together - I didn’t want him catching any shit from her because of me. I did my best to stay away from him when she wasn't around, which wasn't too hard to do considering after our little discovery, it seemed to be a 360 flip in demeanor towards me.
I guess I could understand where that came from. Not the way I would’ve handled it, but she decided to paint me a masochist that night and man, she did not go lightly on the punishment. She was all over him and every time she’d look at me, it was with an ice cold glare. I held it together pretty well, considering…. I was always damn good at throwing my emotions to the side for others benefit, Especially when it was someone I was in love with.
I made it to the end of the night without crying, because I knew that I could play it off as the norm. Every time we’d say goodbye at the end of the show, I’d be holding back tears. This was no exception.
We said our goodbyes and I headed home. My brother could tell something was off and inquired for a minute before being distracted by his date. I just left it as I would miss the hell out of them - which wasn't a lie per say. I just cropped the truth. Besides, I really didn’t need the snarky remarks that my family was famous for when I discussed my feelings and they always managed to lay it on thicker when it was the subject at hand.
Chapter 10
I never told anyone that I was in love with him until a friend of mine had become more like a sister to me and we were hitting the bottle together after a fairly shitty week. I had kept it to myself for eight years at that point, but alcohol does me no favors at keeping secrets or not resurrecting feelings I had trained myself to bury. Needless to say -that night was exhausting.
After they got married, we barely talked for a good while. I just decided it was better to love him from a distance. I’d never seen him that happy and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna jeopardize that for him.
I looked forward to the small talk that I have always hated, simply because I was starved for connection and to say I missed him is an understatement no one can imagine.
One night after we moved to Anderson, I was online and a notification popped up. It was him. I still remember my heart screaming in happiness. We got over the small talk fairly quickly when he’d started inquiring about something the wife had said during their first “blow up” argument. He had admitted he was having a drink and just wanted some clarity that she had refused to give him.
He said they had an argument, something about jealousy, trust or both… Anyway, amidst their fighting the sentence was muttered “ well if i’m so bad, why don’t you marry Marion?!.”.. He had no idea what that meant, but she wouldn’t tell him and apparently, she had made me the catalyst for that fight. I hadn't told anyone I was in love with him; and neither did she….
In a split second the happiness I had felt evaded me and was replaced by a crippling fear. ( I mean. If you’re gonna play that dirty in an argument with your spouse, what ultimatums are you gonna make next?)
He didn’t even have to ask, I knew where this convo was headed and it wasn't gonna be pleasant.
“What did she mean by that?”
*silence*
“Hey, you still there? What did that mean”
( shaking uncontrollably as though I’d been thrown in an ice bath by a killer, nervous that they would sedate me and retrieve my organs.)
“Marion…….”
*staring at the screen, in tears knowing that this was the end of it*
“MARION?”
“do you love me”
*Of course, I do. you’re my best friend*
“.....Are you in love with me….?”
*.....crippling silence…..*
“Marion… are you In love with me?”
at that point I just figured he’s got a loaded gun, what the fuck, I’ll let him blow me away. It’s not like this could’ve ended any differently. I felt like a thief who’s days on the run were over.
*I didn’t know.*
“....deafening silence…”
*I’m so sorry…... I swear…. I didn’t know*
“when did you realise it?”
*at the show for Lori, when she told me you were engaged*
*I gotta go*
“Wait.”
*I gotta go… I’m sorry.”
I stayed offline for a week and then dodged him when I returned.
No matter though, he hadn't messaged me anyhow…
(*well, that was amazing while it lasted; but it’s done… he’s done.*.)
“ is typing….”
*nervous, hopeful, terrified*
*Christ, I don’t wanna hear this*
“Hi…”
*Hi.*
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
*I didn’t know, It didn’t matter, It was too late when I realised.*
“You should’ve told me.”
*I couldn’t. You were engaged. It wouldn't have mattered.*
“................”
*I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen, You would’ve never known if it were up to me.*
* I gotta go*
“No.”
“ Don’t do this. we need to talk.”
*about what? there’s nothing to say. You’re married. I’m sorry you found out like this…
* …..at all.*
“Marion….”
*This is so fucked up… i’m sorry. I wasn’t gonna tell you.*
“It’s okay.”
*How? How is this okay? If we keep talking - especially after this…*
“ calm down… I’m not going anywhere”
*..... Is typing…*
“I’m not going anywhere.”
*drawn out dicey sighs.*
*you ca-....*
“........ ____ is offline”
*SHIT!!!*
Even his words had a way of holding me.
I could envision the future, and even with his reassurance, It wasn’t gonna be pretty.
He’d step up for me, they’d fight…..split…. and eventually. He’d hate me. I knew he would. I always thought the worst in every situation, that’s all that situations ever brought me… the worst. I was conditioned to expect it.
They didn’t separate and we never talked about it again.
I guess we knew it was better if we let it drop.
Chapter 11
In Coming years we would only talk every so often and when we did it’d be a quickly shot “ how are you” politely put conversation. I’m not sure about him, but I wrestled with that. I wished like hell she would’ve never told him. It was fucked up. the way she threw that in his face… yeah, we get it… the only one who doesn’t seem to ‘get it’ is you… you won. he married you. He’s with you. He loves YOU.
I got a few different messages “from him” when I was really low over the next 5 or 6 months…. the problem with that is, Even after the fact of discovering something that could’ve destroyed his marriage, He had never, and to this day… has never spoken to me with a spiteful tongue. To say the least - the messages were unkind. I suppose it was intended to deter me; to make me doubt our friendship or the fact that he cared...to make me think that he thought I was weak. Which, looking back - there’s no way that, at some point or another… he didn’t actually think that… But, over the years, I knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t have kicked me when I was down… It was the exact opposite. He was always there to remind me of my strength. The patience of that man still baffles me.
I’m lucky. I didn’t always look at it like that and really - I should be thankful for those tasteless messages. Instead of being misguided and me being defeated - they changed the “poor me” attitude I had in those days to a “this could be a hell of a lot worse, and I have the best people helping me through it.” they only made me more determined to be the woman, the strength within the woman that he seemed to have known existed.
My respect for her never faded until the day she pulled that stunt for the first time. I understood the malice coming from her. It wasn’t warranted, but - I understood it. Out of love and respect for him, I never mentioned the notes or my shifted opinion of her, I just seemed to pity her for the insecurities. I guess the hardass persona has a way of eroding when it gets too much to take. Eh, We’ve all been there though, haven’t we? If you hold onto all the shit, you have no space for the greatness you experience.
Occasionally, He would strike up a conversation that lasted 15 or 20 minutes and if I was having a terrible day, It’d go great from that point on. On the rare instances that I was already having a decent day - I’d have to focus so I wouldn’t float up to cloud 9 … start daydreaming and never come back down. No, I’m not exaggerating. His personality is infectious and it’s damn near impossible to be in a bad mood.
There were several times over the course of everything that I was left speechless and terrified that whatever it was that happened - would make him throw his hands up and say “good luck.” I remember One day in particular we were At Underground Blues ( a bar in Orlando they played a few times) The guys and I were mid conversation then he had shown up and I excitedly walked over as we started talking, completely distracted from everything else. He said he needed to go in and do a mic check before they started, and as he went to walk away the drummer looked over to me while smiling and said “he doesn’t even know you worship the ground he walks on, does he?” I gave him a sharp glance before mouthing to him to shush. He just shook his head and said “ What???? it’s obvious to literally everyone else.”
I thought that was gonna be the end of it, just thought I had gotten off easy. Come to find out, He was within earshot distance, heard what the drummer had said and kept that little gem to himself until years later when he mentioned it in passing just to get a rise outta me. I thought I'd die from embarrassment, I could feel it every time my face started turning shades of red for his amusement, but I just sat there ; Smiling like an idiot.
Chapter 12
I still feel that fear in my bones some days. More of my trust lies with him than anything or anyone else and I promise you - I believe that was the one decision I will never have to live to regret…. he’s never given me a reason to doubt it, but that bitch called fear just won’t let up. From the start - my intuition was as cliche as anything you’ve ever heard about actual, real, honest to Christ love... my soul just seemed to blindly lead itself to someone it had been searching for since forever.
Maybe that’s why I’ve never really done the whole “relationship” thing. I’m not one to lead people on and I knew they wouldn’t cut it. Not after him. I’ve never had anyone act like him or treat me in such high regard and as they say.. “once you know your worth, you stop giving people discounts”.
I hate being lonely so of course, I went searching for any type of connection… but, sex is just sex and after a few rounds of bullshit conversation and meaningless nights, I couldn’t bring myself to settle for it; Besides feeling like hell about it afterwards.
He’s not mine, nor has he ever been… But, it fucks with you when you waste time in a stranger’s bed when your heart ain’t in it… Especially, If your heart has been in the same place since the day you learned how to feel.
Everybody thought that shithead he had chased away was my “first Love”. Heh…. I just never told ‘em any different because I was tired of them slamming him..
Now we'll touch on auditory senses. So many songs take me directly back to the thought of him. Maybe that's why I love my music so much. Because, they're all attached to a memory more specifically, the ones that have his memory attached.
I've decided I won't ever let him know this exists. By now, as predicted. I'm background noise in his life. I'm sure it's all one sided by now I mean, well. Our friendship is still awesome but as for the love I'm sure it's faded into a thousand burnt out yesterdays.
Once again what it meant to me, means nothing… And I’m forced to let go of everything that I’ve held onto for so long. It’s cool, I knew it was a pipedream from the start. It hit me harder, that's all. And maybe I dreamt up the part where he said he loved me too and things would've been different had he just known. At least that's what I'll tell myself… I'll bury these emotions to save face. But, at least it all meant something in dreams.
I’m angry and the only one I can possibly be angry with is myself. The fifteen year old inside me is screaming her “told ya sos” It wasn’t my fault the man felt like home, and the more I got to know - the more it felt like it. To this day I’ve never felt like that about anyone else. Hell, He’s the standard I hold them all to, and I think it’s unfair to them because he is just that damned amazing…Don’t get me wrong, I know he’s not perfect. I ‘ve never been that naive. I can still Feel the dread in the pit of my stomach when I think of those words “ He knows you worship the ground that he walks on, right?” I realize now that it wasn’t so much him finding out that I was worried about, It was that I realized that the person saying it wasn’t wrong… and I didn't wanna know. It made it real. Just shy of twenty years, I can't handle this being real. I wanna go back to when I wasn’t in love with him. But, for the life of me, I can't remember a time when I wasn’t.
I don't know how to deal with this and the person I desperately need to talk it out with is the one person that I can't. He divorced the wife that I mentioned earlier and he's seeing someone new and it's not like I'm blindsided over it. I mean, I expected he would move on. It's just, I kinda hoped he would ask me out loud to run away with him like apparently, he had planned to do twenty years ago. No such luck. Eh. It's alright though cause, even a fifteen year old me saw this coming and she knew that eventually this would be reduced to a one sided thing so she created a fail safe right?.... Nope.
Fuck. Here we are. Right where I said we'd be twenty years ago…. But, still somehow this is different because, I know he cares and… the one thing I never thought I'd say - is that I wish he didn't. This is the part of the story where the girl becomes the martyr and bows out silently fading into the background pretending like she's cool with it as long as he's happy…. Again. Eh. Happiness was never meant for me. At least, not that degree of happiness. God, I could kick my ass for not backing off and being seriously cautious. I love our friendship. I just wish I could forget to remember that I've been in love with him since I was fifteen, and was forced to admit it to myself at seventeen and to him at twenty three. God. I need a drink, but That wouldn't take this love away. Why does it always end in pain? “I’m so sorry, I swear I didn’t know…”
And I could’ve gone my whole life without knowing and been just fine. What was the purpose of me realizing it? Of making me come clean to him about it? I could’ve just buried it years ago and it all would’ve been just as well.
Caught myself in my feelings again and I stand by what I've said. This all would've been just as well had I not figured out that it wasn't infatuation. He's got a new one now and he's smitten and by that I mean he's engaged. I knew it was never gonna be me but for some reason I keep reading his posts online about don't be so surprised when good things happen and all I can do is scoff at it. It's been a very long while since anything notably good happened to me.
I just keep wondering what the point was if only to keep a girl in the clouds and hopeful for far too long. I still hear songs that if it weren't for him - I would loathe and I cherish the daydreams that spawn from them. But, it's time to come clean from all of this, time to snap back to reality and realize that even if those feelings used to be mutual. That was then…. Twenty years ago and nothing stays the same. How could it? How did it for me? Or more why did it? I don't need this. It's like I'm holding so tightly to nothing because if I don't, I'll end up with nothing. He's the only thing…. One of the only good things in my life. But, let's be real he's barely there now. Time and life has separated us. Why won't this fade for me?
Eh…. I wanna keep all the memories, it's not like I wished I would have never met him, but the overwhelming need is insane. I love him hard. Too hard. I hate being this pathetic even if the guy it's for is awesome. I hate weakness, vulnerability. At this point I hate everything about this fairy tale because in the back of my mind I've always known that's what it is…. A fairy tale and they are never real.
Chapter 13
Sorry guys this isn't gonna be the love story with a happy ending. To be honest this was always just a way to cut it open, or out….let it bleed because, sometimes love can be overwhelming. All I know is he's in every memory of the best days of my life. So, I’ll put these feelings on a shelf again and go back to pretending that it’s all good. It’s like I said, I haven't mentioned a word of how I feel since then because he already knows, and the point is moot. Something I haven’t told you up to this point is that all of this might have been a cruel fucking joke from the ex wife… maybe it was never him telling me that he felt the same, maybe it wasn’t him who said he was gonna ask me to run away. Part of me is still scared shitless that this was all just entertainment from a twisted, bitter, jealous woman. Maybe it was never him on the other end of the line.
I couldn’t handle that because I already feel like all of that was just a dream but those types of dreams can either save you or tear you apart and I’m somewhere in the in between. I've imagined the million possible ways this could go. Maybe cancer eats me alive and I die in silence. Maybe I go after him, crash the wedding and it either falls into place or completely apart. Maybe I keep feeling this, but stay silent to see him in his idea of happiness. Or, I fade into the background and he doesn't even notice I'm gone. That'd be how I pictured it .. insignificant. But, I'm a little broken so, seeing this end in anything other than a bad way or a "shoulda,coulda,woulda," just wouldn't feel natural to me… but, I'll keep you all posted as time goes by.
He's gone. Not dead thankfully. No discussion, no goodbye. Just gone. I felt this coming from day one. Was it worth it? I dunno. Here I am, completely lost. I always felt like meeting him was the higher purpose but now? What's this life for…? Nothing makes sense if he's gone. Twenty three years. Just….. gone. I've been putting my emotions on a shelf in order to stay sane, but it's too quiet in here now and if I have time to think - it has the potential to become fatal. Who cares? Not me. He was the only reason I was still breathing in the first place. It's been about three months since he decided I held no further place in his life. All I can hear is Ryan saying "he's the only one who doesn't know you worship the ground that he walks on…" and I did. Unfortunately. Still do. I wanna hate him. I never thought those words would leave my mouth. Not about him. But, it'd make this part so much easier. I'm angry as hell and I know it's because I'm hurt and that's what I do when someone hurts me… I turn it into anger, because being pissed off is so much easier than crying yourself to sleep. It's a matter of pride, I know. But it's also a matter of survival. Love has the power to both save us and destroy us and he's left me with no choice. This isn't gonna be the love story you'd hoped for but if you had paid attention to the title, you already knew that. I feel like I'm going fucking mental. I've actually wondered if he was someone I dreamt up to get through the hardest parts of my life ( split personality and such) and now my mind is turning on itself. Nope. There's physical proof of him. It's just that everybody leaves. Even him. I penned a poem years ago called "Burn Inside Forever" so I'll leave you all with an excerpt:
"Someday when it all comes down, I'll meet you at the gates and burn inside forever hoping that I never wake."
I never knew what that poem would mean to me when I wrote it. Now it just feels like deja Vu. Like post traumatic stress played on repeat mode. I keep wanting to talk to him but I can't and don't even know why. I'd like to think that it's because of his wife to be. I'd like to make her the scapegoat. But, I can't fight the feeling that all of this meant nothing and I'll never hear from him again. You know that feeling you get when you have an incredibly sweet dream where everything is so close to perfect that when you wake up and reality hits you that it wasn't real you just break down? …… Yeah. It's exactly like that.
I know this though, life will never bring me anything sweeter than our friendship was or the love I have for him.
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