She couldn’t remember how she got here, but she could sense that she had been here before. Her vision was a bit blurred and her body felt as if it had been dissembled and then reassembled but not in the right places. She tried to gain focus, but it seemed that blinking only made it worse. She inhaled deeply and felt a sense of familiarity with the Smells that she encountered. Her head was pounding and she wrenched from the pain that shot through her body. She lay eyes closed again and tried to remember the events that took place the night before. She remembered coming home from work and cooking dinner for the kids. Her husband was working the late shift even though it was her birthday. She remembered walking out to check her mail and at the foot of the mailbox was a package that she was expecting. She took it inside and set it on her bathroom counter and then set off on a mission to get her 4 children in their pajamas and the bed. She had forgotten about the package on the bathroom counter until She went to get herself ready to call it a night. She began to open the box and then past that point, it was all a blur to her. 

She lay there for Several more minutes trying to focus her eyes in the dimly lit room, when all of sudden she sensed she was not alone. It was almost as though she could feel Someone else there, she could hear them breathing, taking long slow breaths in & out. 

She was trying not to let panic set in but when she tried to call out into the blurry Shadows, nothing Came out. Now she was starting to lose control as her breathing quickly elevated and her heart rate joined right in, she tried to roll over and stand up but as soon as she began to move it felt as if someone had laid down on top of her, pinning her down. She fought, with all the strength she could find within herself, which didn't seem like much to her at that moment. All the while her subconscious was praying as hard as it could. The pain that she felt in her body only increased as she tried to break free until eventually, she couldn't fight it anymore. She relaxed her entire body and within seconds it was as though all of the pressure that had been holding her down was released somehow and the floor beneath her quickly caved in, sucking her down into darkness as it sent boards and nails flying around and sent her spiraling down flipping over and over while violently spinning. “Please make it stop, Please make it stop” she screamed as she felt the panic coming back again. She reached out flailing her arms and legs, trying to find something to grab onto but there was nothing but darkness. She felt so weak, so defeated, She knew she had to focus on something besides falling into the nothingness that was surrounding her, which was still a better feeling than being held down back in the dark creepy room.  

Somewhere in the distance, she heard indistinct chatter but she wasn’t able to understand what was being said. Was that laughter she heard? She had stopped spinning and flipping although she continued to free fall in what seemed like slow motion. She thought about so many different things at that moment, her own children's laughter and what they would be like in the future which made her smile. She thought of all the mistakes she had made as a young mother and then all of the terrible things that happened to her as a child. All of the abuse that she endured that came in many different forms. She started to get frustrated and right as she formed her mouth to let out the loudest most intense scream that She could, the darkness began to fade away and there seemed to be a brightness moving closer and closer to her. It was as if she was thrown into another life, and as soon as her sore, aching body hit the bottom, with a jerk, she was able to move again. As she started to regain her focus, She quickly realized she was in her bed at home, she looked across to see her husband sound asleep, breathing slowly in & out, nothing could wake him after a long night shift. In the distance, she heard her Children laughing as they watched morning cartoons. She lay there wondering how so much familiarity could turn into such confusion to the point that it paralyzes you before it sends you spiraling down into a black void?

The answer should have been all too clear to her, but maybe she wasn’t quite ready to understand how an addictive personality and years of drug and alcohol abuse could come back to haunt you. Surely no one could expect her to be strong enough forever, and when she couldn't stand to be Strong anymore, that was when it would happen, every time, the darkness, spiraling down, nothing to hold on to but her thoughts intertwined with an anxious inability to find herself once again. But somehow she would always wake up right here in her bed, thankful that she made it through another night.

Pancakes and eggs!! Cereal! Cereal! I want chicken tenders and fries!! Amy - get your children, please! All she could do was smile and laugh as the kids came parading through the bedroom door. The oldest, Alexa, was at that stage where You don't Say mommy or mamma, So she called her by her actual name, which normally frustrated Amy but for some reason at this moment she thought it was cute and entertaining. “you are one of the children brat” Amy teased to her daughter.

“So let’s see, we want pancake and egg-flavored chicken cereal? Is that what I heard? “ All of the Children protested and Alexa just responded with "Ridiculous" as she turned and stomped out of the room slamming the door behind her. Everyone else paused for a second, staring at their mother and then they all burst out laughing. “Ok let’s go see what we can come up with to eat around this place.” And just like that it was a new day….once again.

Later that evening, after her husband had left for work and all the kids were settled down watching a movie with their buckets of popcorn, Amy remembered the package that she had received the day before and tried to remember if she ever finished opening it, or at this point what the hell she even did with it. As she made her way through the house she glanced around, just in case, but she was pretty sure that she had it in her bedroom or bathroom. She walked into her room and shut the door behind her, locking it, since her boys would sometimes barge in without knocking. More than once she has had to do ninja flips with cat-like reflexes to get to her robe or into the bathroom because she would be right in the middle of changing, every time it happened, never failed. Where in the world did I put the damn thing?” She thought to herself. She pulled out her phone and texted her husband. "John, have you seen a package lying around anywhere by chance? I got it yesterday but don't know Where I put it." After a few minutes, she received a text back that read "Amy look, I don't have time for this right now. It's probably in the same place you always put it." I love you but you know this has to stop right? We'll talk later, bye" “John what are you talking about... never mind just forget I even asked. Geez what's your problem? Yeah, don't even answer that. Have a good night at work. kiss kiss.” She replied. Then out of the corner of her eye, she spotted the box. As she walked towards it she noticed her head starting to throb and she started feeling nauseous. She tried to shake it off as she picked the box up off of the floor of her walk-in closet. She began to feel dizzy so she leaned against the wall and closed her eyes hoping the feeling would go away. But it only seemed to get worse. 

She couldn't remember how she got here, but she knew that she had been here before. It was a little chilly out and she wished she had put on a thin jacket. She glanced around the parking lot thinking she must have driven there but where did she park the car? And where were John and the kids? “Where is everyone?” She whispered to herself as she realized that she was the only thing in this parking lot. “Oh shit,” she said to herself, almost in tears. Not again…she knew what was coming, she could feel it. This was the worst one out of all the nightmares she had, this was by far the hardest one to wake up from. She stood frozen there, afraid to move at all so she held her breath as long as she could, trying to think of a way to get out of this moment. “Oh God please help me,” she thought to herself. She was starting to struggle from holding her breath for so long and as tears rolled down her cheek she knew that what was about to happen, she would not be able to stop. She only had a few seconds so she quickly clinched her fists closed as tight as she could, closed her eyes, and slowly exhaled. She was only able to get one word out before it began “Jesus” she whispered as she was violently dragged down into complete darkness. She lay still and strangely more calm than usual at this moment until she heard them coming. The shuffling of feet grew louder and louder until they were standing over her. She let out a little whimper as they grabbed her up and carried her through the darkness to the alleyway where she would be violently raped and beaten and eventually left for dead. Although she knew it was just another nightmare this time, she could feel the pain and shame and all the horror that came with it just as if it were the night that it happened to her all those years ago.. it wasn’t any less painful and felt just as real to her as that very night. Had she not somehow gathered up enough strength to drag her almost lifeless body out of the alleyway that night she probably wouldn’t be here today. The doctors said she was found just in time but had another hour gone by then the internal damage would have been far worse and she would never have been able to have children. 

Here I am again…bleeding out. They are gone and I know they won’t come back for now. And I know I’ll be found. I know I’ll be saved. Just a little further, she tells herself, as she inches her broken body down the dark alleyway. As She began to fade in and out of consciousness, she heard the familiar scream of the person who found her and ultimately saved her life. Then she remembered that this was the nightmare and it wasn’t over. Amy closed her eyes and tried to scream and toss and turn but she was in so much pain already as weakness swept over her body. She knew when she opened her eyes again she would be back in that parking lot alone in the dark and then it would happen all over again. This was always the moment when she thought about death the most. Why did she have to keep reliving this nightmare? Wasn’t it happening to her in real life enough? Was death the only way to not have to relive this? 

The next morning Amy woke up still lying on the floor in her closet. It looked like someone had ransacked the place and she felt like she had drank a fifth of vodka and danced until the sun came up. She couldn’t remember what day it was and had no clue of the time. She reached over and grabbed her phone but it was completely dead. “Damn it,” she said as she stood up and made her way over the piles of clothes that had fallen onto the floor somehow. She walked into the kitchen and fixed herself some water and toast. As she stood there, still a little shaken up and a lot confused, she saw a note on the counter. “Amy, I’m going to take the kids to school…after working a twelve-hour shift…I’m assuming you aren’t going in to work today. When I get home we need to talk. “ John. “Shit, it’s Monday and I’m already an hour late for work. Damn it.” Amy exclaimed loudly. She has been at her job for five years and has kept a decent relationship with her boss and co-workers. She learned the hard way at a previous job to not talk about her past or the things that happened to her throughout her life. That’s a mistake she will not make again. Amy rushed to get dressed after texting her boss that one of the kids got sick on the way to school and that she would be in once she tended to that. She rushed out the door and as she was pulling out of the driveway John was pulling in. He pulled up beside her and they both rolled their windows down. Before he could say anything, Amy quickly let him know what a huge rush she was in to get to the office. “I know you keep saying we need to talk about some things but I have to get to work and you need sleep. I’m sorry I fell asleep. I wasn’t feeling well the next thing I knew I woke up in my closet. It was weird. Anyways can we talk later babe?” Amy said. “Sure Amy “John replied with a small hint of of sarcasm in his voice. As John took off he spun out a little and she could hear him saying some rather choice words. Amy didn’t have time to wonder what his problem was right now. She had to get to work as quickly as she could. 

John walked into the bedroom and shook his head as he sighed and screamed as loud as he good. He felt as though he was constantly screaming lately but it seemed like no matter how loudly he screamed no one could hear him, especially Amy. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. It’s like she doesn’t even realize how bad off she is, he mumbled to himself as he started cleaning the piles of clothes off of the floor. He needed a solid plan, maybe an intervention or something. He knew he had to be careful in how he approached this situation. In a sense, he was kind of glad Amy hadn’t had a chance to talk to him because he had not thought at all about what he was going to say to her and what reaction would come from him just flying off the handle. Regardless he knew he had to get a handle on it quickly before she hurt herself or even worse, someone else. God knows I love her, John thought to himself as he climbed under the covers. Please God help me he said in a whisper as he fell asleep. 

Amy’s workday turned out to be productive even with her being close to two hours late. Now that all that was behind her she was ready to get home and finish out her daily mommy duties so she could relax a little while before bed. It seemed like the nightmares were worse when she didn’t take the time to unwind before bed. She made her usual stop on the way home. Everyone who worked any shift at the liquor store on 15th Street knew her well. She climbed back into her car with her pack of cigarettes and a gallon of vodka and drove home with the radio blasting her favorite band, singing as loudly as she could. Amy didn’t even step out of the car before the kids, who had been waiting on her, were at the car door to greet her. They all had something to tell her about their day at school and were arguing over who would go first. As usual, Amy let the youngest go first. Ok Colin you can go first but let’s at least go inside out of this heat, Amy said. He always gets to go first the older boys said in unison. On purpose, she said as she made her way inside. 

After everyone was finished telling her all of the things that happened throughout the day or what events they had coming up and she had put her signature on the last daily grade sheet, she made her way to the kitchen to start dinner, which of course required a mixed drink. After dinner, she quickly cleaned the kitchen and put on a movie for the kids before retiring herself to the bedroom. She could tell John had cleaned her mess up some from the night before and she tried to remember what exactly happened but once again it was all a blur. What am I doing with my life she said to herself out loud as she searched around for the box. By this time she had had several drinks and needed a pick-me-up. She found the box hidden in the very top of the closet and shook her head, asshole, she said, referring to John of course, as reached and pulled it down, spilling it onto the floor. Damn it she said as she picked everything up and put it back in the box and made her way to the bathroom. Amy had been in a car accident two years earlier and was messed up pretty badly for a while. Thankfully it was just her in the car and no other vehicles were involved. If there had been she would probably be in jail given how much alcohol was in her system. She was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and had to stay there for almost three weeks before they would release her. Needless to say, she will never drink and drive again. 

Pushing that terrible memory out of her mind, she began the routine of taking the plastic coating off of the pain pill and crushing it into a powder. She filled the syringe to the number ten with warm water and pushed the plunger down to release it into the spoon that held the crushed powder. She always started to feel anxious at this point but she knew she had to pace herself with this process if she wanted everything to go smoothly. Rushing through it would only create problems that could delay the feeling that she subconsciously longed for, only when she was three sheets to the wind though. However when she was sober she never even thought about it and if there was ever a time that she thought John or her parents were going to bring it up in discussion, she played dumb. After all, if she were that bad Off then she would think about it and crave it constantly right? As she searched her bruised body for a decent vein she could feel the frustration begin to present itself. Why do I keep doing this to myself she thought. An hour passed before she was able to find a good vein. Finally, she said as she pushed the plunger in and sailed off to another world. 

It had been hours since Amy answered any of John’s calls or texts. He was starting to worry given Amy’s irrational behavior lately. He hated when she would act clueless as to what was going on and knew it was just a way to blow off any conversation about it. He was walking out of the door to go tell his boss that he needed to run home for a minute when his phone rang. It was Amy's sister which automatically sent him into a panic. “Allison, what’s wrong? Is Amy ok? The kids?” John asked with fear in his voice. “Slow down John, geez. Everyone is fine now.” Allison said, “What do you mean, now?” John asked. “Well, Miss Priss here called me from her mother's phone which she said was lying on the closet floor. She kept hearing it go off which was probably you trying to call Amy, so she wanted to let her mother know. She heard water running in the bathtub knocked on the door several times and called for Amy but got no response. She kept waiting for the water to turn off but it never did so she called me. I walked over and broke into the bathroom to find Amy passed out beside the tub. Water was about to spill over into the floor, a needle sticking out of her arm, and an empty bottle of vodka. “ Allison said. “Oh my God Allison. Is she ok??” Joh asked. “Yes, John. She still had a pulse, so I slapped her around a little and finally got her to respond. She ate a little bit and is now in bed sleeping. I figured you were worried so I just wanted to let you know.“ Allison said quietly. “Thanks, Allison, hey, the kids didn’t see her like that did they?” He asked. “Alexa saw some of it I’m afraid…I don’t think she saw the needle but I’m not 100% sure of that.” she said. 

“Damn it! What am I supposed to do with all of this??? “ John exclaimed. “John she needs to go to rehab or something.“ 

“She won’t Allison. She would lose her job and she is afraid I’ll leave her and take the kids. “

“Then give her an ultimatum. She should have some vacation days or sick days built up. She can use those to get help. Go to the doctor get on the right type of medication, and start talking to a therapist or psychiatrist. But she needs to know that if she doesn’t take some steps to get clean then you leaving and taking the kids is the only thing that makes sense. Anyway, I gotta go John. I’ll stay over to make sure the kids get to school and Amy is up for work. Bye. “

“Thanks, Allison. Bye. “

John knew he had a decision to make and the sooner the better, for everyone. Especially Amy. 

“John, please just leave me alone about this right now. Shit!” Amy yelled as she slammed the bathroom door closed. It was Saturday night and they had been arguing all day about her going to rehab or to a doctor for help. She sat on the edge of the tub and cried for what seemed like hours. She knew he was right but she didn’t care at that moment and she damn sure wasn’t going to let him hold the kids over her head. Alexa still wasn't speaking to her after what happened the other night and Amy couldn't blame her. She knew she needed help but she knew she would lose her job if she went to in-patient rehab. She had three weeks of vacation she still needed to use but had planned to take the kids somewhere fun this summer. Was three weeks even enough time? Maybe physically but to her the mental withdrawals were far worse than the physical. At least the physical torture eventually ended but the mental pain… that's the reason she always ended up right back where she is now. John had never threatened to leave and take the kids before. Hell Alexa wasn't even his real daughter. Could he even do that? She wondered as she searched for a vein. 

This time she made sure not to do too much so she didn't have a repeat of the other night. She added a little something extra that would counter that but still get her thoughts out of her head. She would tell John tomorrow that she would use her vacation to get help and get clean. If nothing else it would get him off her back for a minute until she figured out what she wanted to do. Amy took a deep breath in and pushed the plunger in. She didn't pass out this time but it took her breath away and made her dizzy. But damn it felt so good. She opened the door to walk out of the bathroom and could see John sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands, crying. She began to walk towards him but something stopped her. She looked around the room and noticed everything around her was getting darker and darker and then out of the darkness something grabbed her and pulled her down violently. She did everything she could to grab a hold of something on the way down but once again there was nothing to stop her.

Amy's heart was beating hard and fast when she came to. She couldn't remember how she got here but had a bad feeling that she had been here before. She couldn't move or speak, no matter how hard she tried. Amy wasn't afraid this time though. She was pissed off and although she couldn't even move her mouth to speak, she was screaming inside her head as loudly as she could. She was cussing and telling whatever this was that kept doing this to her and bringing her back to this place exactly what she thought about it. After all, that's where all this was, right? Inside her head, tormenting her. This was it. This was Amy's final straw. She was not going to give up! She was determined that this would be the last time she let this have any control over her. 

John was sitting on the edge of the bed when he heard Amy open the bathroom door. He looked up and watched as Amy fell to the floor. He jumped up and ran over to her. “Amy, wake up damn it!” what the hell, shit!” he exclaimed. He felt for a pulse and was relieved when he found one. He picked Amy up and started carrying her to the bed. Then all of a sudden she started kicking and tossing and turning. John barely made it to the bed before she flew out of his arms and landed face-down on her pillow. Amy was moaning loudly and flailing around for what seemed like hours to John. At first, he thought she was having a seizure but then realized that this was nothing like any seizure he had ever seen and he had been in the medical field for nearly twenty years. Amy would suddenly stop moving and would make this crazy growling noise but never once opened her mouth although it seemed like she was trying to say words. A couple of times Amy got so bad that she would fling herself off the bed and roll across the floor. John decided to record her on his phone because he knew there would be no way to explain what happened and who would believe him anyway? But he needed Amy to see how important it was for her to get help now. 

Amy opened her eyes slowly and noticed she was breathing heavily but thank God she could move again. She looked across the bed and reached out to grab John's hand and realized he wasn't there. Amy jumped up with panic and began to roll out of bed but she caught a glimpse of John sitting in a chair in the corner across the room with a look of horror on his face. “John, what are you doing over there? Why do you have that weird look on your face? Stop it your freaking me out” Amy said. John began to cry quietly. “Amy,” he said softly. “I need to show you something.” John stood up and walked over to Amy and handed her his phone as he pushed play. It was a video of sleeping. “John what the he….” “Amy! “ John yelled, “Just watch it all the way through, please.” Amy could sense the seriousness in his voice and decided not to protest this time. She hit the play button on John's phone and watched. After about a minute passed with her lying there sleeping and moaning, it happened. Amy watched, terrified of what she was seeing and hearing. “John this isn't possible. I..I..I couldn't move the whole time. It was like I was being held down and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move or speak. So this can't be responsible right.” Amy said. She was very confused and didn't understand how this could have been happening. Amy grabbed John's hand and pulled him down close to her. She wrapped her arms around him right and began sobbing. “I love you, Amy,” John said. “John” Amy said through the tears. “I'm so sorry. I’m ready. I'll go get help.” John held Amy tight and rocked her in his arms as she cried herself to sleep. Tomorrow would be a new day…once again.