She couldn't remember how she got here. Or rather, she didn't want to. Because it hurt. Just thinking about it sent shivers down her spine, and not the good kind.


"Mrs Smith?"


Caroline looked up from counting the number of pebbles on each tile on the floor. She smiled at the woman in a white coat who had called on her before standing up.


"Hi" her voice was shaky, but only she could tell. She was good at hiding this kind of thing.


"Uh, would you please come with me?"


"Yeah, yeah" she cleared her throat as the woman's face looked gloomy.


She wanted to ask but she couldn't. She wouldn't. It was better she didn't and just followed.


"Yeah, sure," Caroline said and picked up her purse from the chair she had been occupying.


She walked alongside the woman who seemed rather in a hurry to get to wherever they were going.


"Is Elijah awake?" Caroline asked the woman.


She was starting to get excited with the way the lady was rushing her. Maybe her Elijah was awake. She would finally get to speak to him and hear him after so many days.


"Um... Caroline, right?" The woman asked with a small smile after thinking of her name for a while.


Caroline nodded. "But please, call me Mrs Smith."


She loved being a Mrs, and especially a Mrs Caroline Elijah Smith. Before getting married, she never understood the hype of it all. Probably because she didn't even understand what love was then. But after meeting Elijah; her Elijah, everything fell into place.


Getting married to him was the best decision she ever made. Loving him was her greatest gift. She belonged to him, and he belonged to her. They belonged to each other in Christ.


The first time she was called Mrs Smith after the pastor declared them husband and wife, she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. She wanted to print the name on her forehead, for all to see and know. They should know how much she adored him.


"Caroline" a hand came on her shoulder.


She couldn't frown at the doctor for getting her name wrong again. She was just too excited to see her husband.


"Sorry, I'm just really excited to see him"


Elijah had been in hospital since an unfortunate accident at his workplace. It landed many hospitalised as him, very few had, unfortunately, lost their lives. It was a great tragedy the day his office building collapsed with about 50 people in it.


But all Glory to God for keeping Eli safe. His case wasn't bad when he was first hospitalised, but then the doctors found out he had some internal injuries so he had to stay longer.


Still, she smiled. Because if there was one thing Eli taught her, was to smile and praise God always, in good times and in bad.


And thank The Lord for confirming her husband's recovery with some very special news that she couldn't wait to share with him. Plus, the doctor coming to call on her personally meant there was something good she had to say.


"Can we go?" Caroline asked and without waiting for an answer, she walked ahead. She knew how to get to his room anyway.


She reached the door that read '159' and breathed out, calming her excited mind. But before she could open the door, the doctor grabbed her hand, stopping her.


"Caroline"


"Mrs Smith" Caroline corrected, irritated.


"Please, come with me. We have to discuss something at my office first"


"Why?"


Her husband has been hospitalised for weeks, stuck within these four walls with really bad design and now that he was okay, she couldn't see him first?


"Mrs Smith, please. It's important."


"I'm sorry but seeing my husband now is what's important", and with that she opened the door, ready to jump and scream with Elijah in excitement.


But what she saw kept her in a place, the smile slowly falling from her face.


"Wh-- what's going on?" She turned to the doctor who was now standing beside her.


Elijah used to have lots of wires and needles poked in his body. But now, he was empty. Everything was gone, save the oxygen mask on his face. There were three nurses around him, and each held their evidence of having removed his source of treatment.


"Why did you take those off him?!" She moved to them but the doctor was quick to hold her back.


"Mrs Smith" she called softly.


"Why?" Tears pricked her eyes but she held them in. "You told me all those were to keep him alive. Why would you let them take it off?"


"Mrs Smith, I..." the doctor breathed out. "Can we talk in my office please?"


"No. We're already here so you tell me what's going on right now."


The woman breathed out again. "Your husband hasn't been responding to treatment. We tried all we could but his lungs are badly damaged and can't keep up."


"Can't keep up?" Colour drained from her face as she guessed what next the doctor was going to say.


"We're going to have to stop treatment and take him off life support"


"No" it barely came out as a whisper.


Caroline turned to her husband who looked almost lifeless on the bed.


"No, no" she went to him and this time no one stopped her.


"Elijah, come on" she took his once strong hand —which had now become feeble and cold— in hers.


Tears flowed down her cheeks. But she still smiled as she spoke to him.


"Remember what you said." She sniffed as she rubbed his hand. "You promised that we would be by each other through the good, the bad and the ugly. And sorry to say, but you don't look so handsome right now, Elijah" She chuckled and kissed his hand. "Good Lord, I miss your voice. Please respond to your treatments"


A hand came on her shoulder but she shrugged it away.


"Elijah, please. You promised, please"


"Ma'am" a voice called.


"No" she turned to the doctor. "Mrs Smith! Mrs Elijah Smith" she emphasized his name. "And please start treating my husband again."


"We can't. It's futile"


"It's not futile!" Caroline yelled. "Jesus, please" she sobbed as she held him. "Please don't take him"


"Mrs Smith" the doctor came closer to her and rubbed her shoulders gently. Like she understood.


But how could she understand the pain of being told you would lose the love of your life? They had only been married for a little more than a year.


Caroline sobbed loudly as the nurses started to take the rest of his needles away. "No, no"


She remembered their wedding. All the happy times with him. His love and his care. He had promised to be with her always. He said he would never leave her.


"Eli, please get up!" She cried. "Don't leave me, please!" She took his hand and placed it on her tummy. "You're going to be a dad. You're going to be a father, Eli"


She was sure her cries were heard in the rooms around but she didn't care. She was losing the man she loved. The only man she would ever love.


"Mummy" a small hand on her lap jolted Caroline awake from her daydream.


"Mummy, are you okay?"


She smiled at her daughter and nodded. It had been 5 years since she lost Elijah. 5 years since she had heard his voice or held his hand, but she still taught about him every day since then.


"I'm fine, Ellie," she said, kissing her daughter's hair.


"But you're crying. Are you thinking of Daddy?"


Caroline nodded. "I was. You look a lot like him, you know"


Ellie smiled and Caroline picked her up to place her on her lap.


She thanked The Lord every day for the gift of her child. She had questioned everything about Him when she lost Eli, if He was even real, if He was as good as He said He was, why He took her husband away, if He loved then why did he take away the ones others loved?


But the day she had Ellie, God blessed that day. Ellie was born on the same day as her dad. And Caroline knew. God loved her. God saw her. And He was going to take care of her forever. She still wrestled with some things but she knew, God was doing something.


She could remember how she got here. The Lord brought her this far. She wanted to remember because choosing to forget would be choosing to forget Elijah, and that was the hardest thing to do. So she wouldn't.