All my dreams died many years ago. If life is but a dream, I guess I died many years ago.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an astronaut. At the time i thought it wss thenonly thing that would make life living. However when I got a little older I discovered I have inner ear trouble that would not allow me to do that. I was crushed. In retrospect I think I should have known the drram was unattainable. Now I also know thay the real reason I wanted to be an astronaut was because my life on earth had been a perpetual nightmare thus far. I thought life anywhere but Earth had to he better . Now I know Earth is the only place life is possible so far for humans... so I guess I'll stay here. I am also a mother now, and I would not want to leave my children on Earth while I moved on.

I dreamed of being a scientist... but I was poor and I lost my scholarship after I dropped out to take care of my mom. Then I had a hard time findimg a job, got trafficked by someone I thought I could trust, and nearly died. I was so disgraced and so far from where I wanted to be... Then I had children, got married and found myself a stay at home mom and I realized that dream will probably never come true.

I dreamed of having children... That one came true. I have two sons and they are amazing! They are more beautiful, sweet, bright and generally amazing than anything I had imagined. But I am not the kother I dreamed I would be. I am still phusically sick and in pain much of the time and I still suffer severe PTSD and their father is a good man, but he also struggles with PTSD (though the sources and severity differ).


I dreamed of being thin and beautiful... but I am a fat middle aged housewife... That dream will probably never come true but I keep trying.

One day I stopped dreaming. I woke up and realized I am a fat middle aged housewife with few accomplishments and little hope of ever amounting to anything. I am stuck in the past and very much alone. I am not a beacon of light but a pit of negativity... And I don't know if I can change and even if I do if I am ever going to be worthy of connection.


Byt I think I would like to start dreaming again... So these are my dreams for the future:


I dream of being happy. I dream of helping others. I dream of being a famous writer. I dream of giving my children a better life. I dream of mental clarity and spiritual wholeness. I choose to believe there IS a God and that he loves all of us and is not judging and angry all the time.



Now, just for a moment, I want to envision a world where all my dreams came true:

I went to space and never came back. I libe on a planet somewhere across the galaxy. My husband and children are with me and we live in a quiet place with orange plants and no neighbors. We are the Adam and Eve of this new world. It is peaceful and we are happy. I am thin anf beautiful but I don't really think about that. I write stories all the time and theybwill be the first writing ever written on this planet so naturally they will be famous, at least for a time.

God loves me in this world too... and all my descendants will know this.


I have heard a theory where all things imagined truly exiat.. SOMEWHERE. I like to believe this is true, that there are infinite realities and that all things imagined are in fact real, just not in this dimension... So somewhere I am happy and have achieved all my dreams, and if it has happened "somewhere", maybe somehow it can be true HERE, too.