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An Unjust Fairwell The sky was Grey, seemed fitting given how I felt knowing what I had to prepare myself for. The tears filling my eyes, came like waves crashing onto the sand at the beach. Warm thoughts of you ringing through my mind, as I dig through clothes to find just the right outfit. &nbsp; Black, black, black… with freshly dyed blue hair to further express to the world how I was feeling. Like anyone else’s opinions mattered to me, filled with fear I prepared to portray fearless for all to see. &nbsp; “Be the adult, do not start a fight, but if she starts… finish it and her with grace!” I said to myself a million times since that day. Knowing what they’re telling everyone, as though all this is somehow part of a plan…&nbsp; I climb into the car, and it rolls away from the farm. From our home, the place that was intended to be our for-ever home. The place we spent months and 100s of thousands of dollars to design making it our home. To roll up to the last place I ever thought I was going to have to be at. &nbsp; The parking lot Is full, further drilling it home that I am alone, and this is real. Tears once more fill my eyes as I can hear your voice whisper, “pay them no mind, for we both know the truth.”. I open the door and feel heat as all eyes turn to me, and the tears now burning my face. I do my best to ignore the whispers and muttering of adult children who make a toddler appear more mature. &nbsp; A touch on the shoulder startled me so, turn to find family members with hands extended for introductions. Grief hits briefly as it appears exactly like you described. Causing me to further wonder, how you came from that? How accurate your stories were, and overhearing stories of you.&nbsp; I sit in a row alone, fully aware of what’s being said about me. About you, about us. Disgusted and appalled I remain strong to the end. Biting my tounge refusing to cause a scene, though I’ve mentally set off a bomb and am standing in the rubble and flames. Watching the users and abusers scream and burn all around me, as they mostly deserve. &nbsp; Those who claim to love you beyond all meaning, yet disgustingly carry on as though it’s not your body laying there in that box. Getting high after blasting your name and mine as just addicts, like no one sees the shadow cast on them. Placing blame on me when we were getting sober. But that’s nothing to the unjust hell about to be ripped open underneath my feet.&nbsp; I stand over you, and curse the Gods for leaving me behind, for tearing you from me, and shattering the rest of my life. While others cry over a man they used to know, I fall apart for the future I no longer see. The promises made and unkeepable, and the two little broken hearts who don’t understand and will have questions that will require answers for the rest of my life…&nbsp; I gracefully slip away after saying my fairwell to you and only you. The car rolls back up, the tears swelling in eyes once more. I climbe back into the car and silently weep the whole way.&nbsp; Pulling in, the farm is dark and gloomy. Walking to the door, blindly searching for keys through distorted eyes. The door opens and I can feel you guide me inside. Straight to our bed I collapsed emotionally exhausted all strength burned out. Broken, scared, lost, and shattered at heart. I lay there sobbing wishing it was all just a nightmare. I feel your presence holding me tight, reminding me of many great lessons you taught me. &nbsp; I dream of our times together, recalling many stories we shared, and the chaos that was your life on this earth. Which becomes more clear it now becomes mine. Reminders of the levels they went to with you, the plotting that they ensued and it’s only the beginning the rest left for me. I wake a day later to your voice telling me once more “I’m in ah of you, you amaze me every day!” &nbsp;And finally the words make sense to me.&nbsp; Knowingly being betrayed and playing along, curious as to how far they could go, while secretly praying they just put me out of my misery. Send me to join you since together is how it was supposed to be. But some of us just are not meant to be happy, not everyone gets their happily ever after. &nbsp; Too intelligent to be clueless, playing stupid because it works. Unknowingly aware of the depths and the lengths to prepare for, while playing chess with real life. Knowing the possibilities of every move, and splitting the mind as they fracture reality. With the purest intentions of driving me mad! And spitefully sabotaging every chance and immature way possible. &nbsp; All while slandering and telling lies, spending and buying only to still be in fear themselves as they realize they are going to lose and fall from their undeserving empire of entitlements. You will never take the love we shared, or have me fall for your lies. I see through your masks, to the monsters they hide. It becomes clear to see why he was determined to get to the other side. He knew his time was running low, and he chose to cut ties, his way of letting go. He sought to find his one, his purpose, his goal, his true legacy. Changing lives where he could, his heart so pure. &nbsp; He stressed it so much his point was clear. Get my money outta here!!!! “Live the life you’ve dreamt of travel the world. Think of me often and know I am with you. Happiness looked so good on you, please find it once more. The world is your oyster, so enjoy it my dear”.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Tjj&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

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An Unjust Fairwell 

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An Unjust Fairwell

DaddysGirl

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An Unjust Fairwell

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Tammi Johnson

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