"The alarm wasn't supposed to go off yet" I thought to myself as I was forcefully getting pulled out of my dream by the screeching notes of my phone trying to wake me up. I had only been asleep for a few hours. I can already feel the weight of the world on my shoulders amplified by the lack of sleep. "I need to finish that dream now before I forget!" I thought as I was typing out the message to my boss informing her I'm not feeling well. I kept replaying what I could remember of the dream in my head in hopes it will continue as soon as my eyes roll into unconsciousness.It was one of them dreams that feel too real, but also held a bunch of clues and subliminal messages to help me deal with real life. Cause see, in real life, I don't have you anymore. All I have are memories of you. I have the sound of you laughing to my shenanigans over voice messages. Thank God for technology. I have a few pictures from back when we were just kids. I have your empty cologne bottle that still contains a whisper of the familiar smell. And a hoodie. Of course I'd have a hoodie. But in dreams I can touch you again. I can feel the warmth of your arms. I can scream at you for almost breaking my spine everytime you hugged me and you can scream back at me how you missed me.We can have a conversation. You could tell me everything.You should have told me everything. Maybe I could have helped you. Maybe I could have taken you away from that shit storm you gotten yourself into. Maybe God wouldn't have torn you away from me then.I remember I was reading another one of articles written about your death before I fell asleep. Bullshit I thought. Every single news outlet did nothing but lie spitting in your face. I was having none of that and dozed off to dreamland feeling uneasy and enraged mostly.But there you were. Sitting on the only bench in the endless park. I sat next to you. When our eyes met I instantly started crying. It's been so long since Ive last seen your face there was nothing else I could do frankly. You just held my hand and said I know. "you haven't a slightest clue" I managed to whisper.You asked about my daughter. You never had a chance to meet her in person, and she will only know of you through the stories. I showed you some photos and videos, you always knew how to distract me. You said she reminds you of me when we were kids. "She's goofy like you, look at her! Same infectious smile, same warm eyes we all tend to share. I can see a lot of her dad in her face too!"I couldn't say anything. I was just staring at your face trying to memorise every single line, every pore, every hair. Absorbing every sound you were making while your lips moved, what a blessing to hear your voice again in person.The you started apologising to me as if you were the one who pulled the trigger. I cut you off instantly knowing it's not your fault."But it is! " you said to me " it's all my fault. I could have done so much better in life if I didn't decide to take the easy way. I was lazy and selfish and money got to my head more then love ever did. I just wanted to make something of myself you know. Had no idea what would happen but I could have guessed. I should have been more careful. No, I should have never gotten into that world. I'm really sorry. Please tell dad I'm really sorry."And there it was. Out of the collar of your shirt I could see the marks. A perfect circle around your neck. In my favourite shades of pinks and purples. Flashes from your funeral are coming back to me. Thank God you weren't there to see that.I asked you if I could touch it, does it hurt now? As I went to touch your neck you stop my hand for a moment just so you could wipe the tears of my face, before allowing me to continue.As I touched the mark of your strangulation, I could see everything. The room. The naked walls, hole for a window, a building never completed. I could feel the floor, bare concrete, cold as ice. I could see the faces. So many faces it's hard to make out who the people are.Some of them I recognised from your yearbook. You could see the fear in them. Some I could straight away tell are bad people just by one glance at their eyes.It felt so surreal. And then I felt it. The shock, the pain, the fighting for air.I could feel everything as if it happened to my own body. How you trusted them. I could hear the trust breaking down to shards when the people you called friends betrayed you. I could smell the grass behind you as they dragged your unconscious body through the field. I could feel the cold as the cables that touched your skin. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through your veins telling you to move. As if the movement of my body would help you fight them off I started throwing punches and kicks trying to scream but all that came out was silence. I could feel your lungs burning as you were fighting for air. The forcefull grip of the cables. I could hear the sound your soul made as it left your body.And I could feel myself turn to dust as I was overwhelmed with all these sensations. But most importantly I caught a glimpse of the person standing behind you. The silent executioner, taking your life without even blinking. If he only knew how many lives he had taken with yours, would he had had a second thought? My thoughts were spiralling down the rabbit hole. The tornado of pure rage and desire to hurt him like he hurt you but tenfold.It felt like hours have passed but as you moved my hand away I was brought back to the lone bench. Tears just started to race down my face, no winners to that competition. "I'm sorry" I said. "You didn't come here to watch me cry for you. You can do that on any given day if you're already watching over me. I just miss you so much. I could have imagined how it went down don't get me wrong I had my theories and speculations but I never thought I'd get to feel everything you did. It's just a lot to process. I fucking hate you had to go through that."" Just don't let that hate... "I cut you off" "What do you mean? All I could feel for the longest time was pain for you and hate for the person who took you from us. And then it all came falling down like dominoes. He didn't just take you, he took half of our family. How do you not let hate overtake you? How do you not allow hate in the drivers seat as you imagine every possible way of taking a life, life of a person who taken so many?"" I was the most cheerful person in the room. Always. I was looking out for others around me. Always. I was full of life, bubbly, with the energy of a bouncy ball, contagious to everyone who encountered me. The day I got the call it all went dark, as if someone just hit the switch in my head. I didn't know how to deal with it. All I could do is cry when all I wanted to do is try every single torture method known to man on everyone responsible for your death. If I didn't have a child you can bet I would have been on the first plane home, starting my own little investigation, hunting them down one by one to find out the truth. I mean the police aren't really doing anything."" Oh sis" you wept. "I had no idea it would do that to you. Not to you. You were always a single positive in the sea of negative that could pull me out of anything and bring me back to where I needed to be. What have I done. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me." " I have nothing to forgive, I understand you completely. I know none of this was your intention obviously. I know, it's okay, it really is."" They are paid to do nothing about the case you know?" you asked as i nodded."I had my suspicions. And the media?" "They just don't give a shit" you answered, "writing only what sells and if truth happens to be there great but they don't care to find it." "Thought so. Anything else you can share with me. Like why maybe?" "Ah sis I wish I could tell you. But you will have to find out yourself." You grabbed my hand and we are zapped to some other timeline.We're dressed differently to melt in the crowd. The mark on your neck is burning red this time. You lean in to whisper "whatever you do, do not let go of my hand okay, do you understand me? I'll show you everything but you must not let go." I nodded with nothing but fear in my eyes. I know I kept asking the question, infinite times, but was I actually ready for the answer? Shit. Ready or not it's happening." Can they see us?" You put your hand over my mouth. It made you smile as you know how much I hated that. As a response I bit you and I can see you mouthing "you bitch" Like good old times we both started laughing. "Now shhh, if we don't make any noise they can't." We're hiding in the corner. Perfect dead angle. You are having a conversation with a few people. I can feel the tension. They are yelling at you. "Oh shit what did you get yourself into" I whisper. I'm not the best at lip reading and I can't quite hear what are they saying because of too many noises. I became so sensitive to everything since you died and it's all so annoying more then anything. They keep yelling. Your face was already bruised from the police interrogation but I can assume they wanted either the goods or the money owed. I look at you, the standing next to me you as you whisper "I didn't gamble like everyone is saying, I promise. But I was shit with money. I borrowed some and to return it I started selling for them. But that got me deeper and deeper in. When I wanted out it was already too late. They threatened with your life, they knew where our sister went to school. They knew where our dad worked. Hell, they even knew your mom. I could not jeopardise all that for my selfishness and stupidity. I couldn't tell you then because there was noting you could do but fear for me."" Baby brother, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. If you told me I'd go after them at least I'd known who they were. I would ha..." You stop me."You would have ended up dead and what good would that do. I'd never trade anyone's life for mine so I didn't. That's why I need you to forgive me. I had to protect you all. From everything. From the truth." "Please stop. If I had kept you safer none of that would have happened. You were with me practically the whole summer before I left. Before you went to that downright spiral." "What do you mean?" "I mean I know I had a lead role in introducing you to this world and I can bet my own head I had a direct line to people who hurt you." "No actually this started a little before that. You didn't. You couldn't have known any of them. Don't beat yourself over something you had absolutely no impact in" I could feel the wave of anger coming over me. The same anger I felt when you provoked me that one time. The only time I've ever hit you. God I went over that moment for so long hating myself for doing that. Do you remember when you were like 9 and you said to me how I don't love you, how I hate you, how all I do is hang around our baby sister and do nothing but fight with you, how I never wanted you to be born as I always wanted a sister, do you remember when you said that to me? The only time I had ever hit you. And it wasn't even self defense. The amount of times I had wished to go back to that moment and hold back is pathetic at this point. I shouldn't have done that ever. Someone's passing next to us you push me further into the wall and cover me so I'm not seen. But I've seen that face. Where did I see him?After few men passed and you nooded to each of them you quietly whisper "that's them" . Knew it, I recognised him from the flashback. The man who stood behind you in your last moments just passed next to us.You turn around. "Listen to me and listen to me good. I will tell you who he is. In fact I have it written here." You place something in my hand. "But you have to promise me you will not go after them. You will not play the hero. You will not do anything yourself other then go to the detectives and tell them everything." Your eyes widened with fear. We were back at the lone bench again. I looked at you as the sun hit your face at the just right angle. I forgot how your eyes gleamed with the honey shades dancing around your iris.Everytime I look at a mirror I see glimpses of you in my own reflection. We shared the same eyes. Oh how I missed everything about you so much I would avoid looking at myself. Being two sides of the same coin hurt a little too much when you know the coin will never fall on the other side."Look sis I don't think I can spend more time with you now, but I promise you you will see me again" . "When my heart stops yes" I mutter to myself. "No, sooner. I will do everything I can to visit you like this again." "Tell everyone I miss them so much, tell them I love you all and I never meant for this to happen. Hope you can forgive me. Tell your kids about me and most of all teach them to be good people. I will be watching over you all. I love you sis okay, so much!" " No please don't go! Just a minute longer!" I grab your face in attempt to memorise every feature with my fingertips. It was like you evaporated from my grip. I started looking around frantically yelling out your name." Come back!" As I screamed my surroundings started shifting and disintegrating into big black nothing.I felt something in my pocket. Took it out and it's a piece of paper, the one you gave me. Neatly folded but scrunched afterwards. I start opening it. My God I haven't seen your handwriting in so long.I glanced over the words looking for meaning. You described everything you showed me now. Every word you said was already written. Dates, events, the whole story. A piece of paper turned to a whole book, pages ripped out randomly as I was flicking through them.My eyes rushing to find the name, the only name I cared about. I covered my mouth in shock. My eyes became the sharp cliffs for the waterfall of tears flowing to the ocean of pure pain. It was a lot to take in. Just as I was getting frustrated and ready to throw a fit, I caught it.I have waited so long for this. I yearned for that last piece of puzzle like a man lost in the desert yearns for a drop of water. Clinging to the idea of that finish line like my life depended on it. I knew I will know the name in the matter of seconds. I knew my nightmares would come true and I could hurt them more then they hurt you. I could get the revenge I dreamed for the longest time. I could if I haven't promised you otherwise. But just the idea of knowing who held the cables that stopped your breathing brought me an odd kind of joy. The kind you feel when something is truly over. When you know that you know all there is and you can let go. Close that chapter. I will finally know.Just as I was about to read the letters that are spelling out the name, that all familiar sound. The fucking alarm was not supposed to go off yet!&nbsp;

The alarm wasn't supposed to go off yet

LANAD95

Written by me, published here first

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The alarm wasn't supposed to go off yet

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Svetlana Damjanovski

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