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The frozen lake cracked beneath his feet as he ran across the ice, desperate to reach her before it was too late. He saw the life begin to fade from her eyes as she desperately tried to find an escape from the dark confines of the icy lake. He was above her, so close yet so far, as a thick layer of ice stood between him and the only girl he ever loved. He pounded the ice with fists until the raw and numb, the only warmth coming from the hot blood dripping from his knuckles. The ice between them started to crack, but by the time he got the got through it, her face was expressionless. He didn’t hesitate to jump into her and drag her out and back to the side of the lake. He lay her down and screamed for help, but no one heard him through the howling of the wind. He heard sirens approaching but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t tear his gaze away from her body, her face pale as the snow which blanketed the ground around them. And her blue lips that would never feel warmth again. He was sitting the back of an ambulance with a medic asking him questions about god knows what, he couldn’t erase the image of his dead girlfriend from his mind. The next week was a blur of confusion and overwhelming grief, as he barely noticed the passing of time. It was clear to the police that this was an accident due to the extreme weather conditions and Kenji had no part in the death of his girlfriend, his whole world. Before Harley, Kenji had nothing, he was alone in the world. He was nineteen when he met Harley in university studying English literature. They sat beside each other in their first lecture and clicked instantly. They both had similar interests and loved to do anything that would cause a rush of adrenaline. So how could Kenji possibly saw no when she asked him if he wanted to grab a coffee after class. Now three years later he was alone once again. Kenji’s mother died when he was sixteen and from then he had to learn to live on his own. His father was never in the picture to begin with. When he was younger, he always believed that his mother hated him, all she ever did was drink. She could barely stand to look at her own son because he reminded her too much of the man she once loved. Kenji was almost relieved when he came home one day and found he hanging from ceiling, rope wrapped around her neck. She was a shitty mother and he knew it, yet he still desperately wanted to be loved. In the months following Harley’s death Kenji had been surviving by a thread, Harley’s parents resented him for letting their daughter die, they had trusted Kenji to take care of her and he had failed, he had came back from what was supposed to be a romantic getaway with a dead girlfriend. The resentment from Harley’s parents was passed onto Kenji, he blamed himself for everything. If he had just went outside with her instead of deciding to stay in out of cold maybe he would have been able to stop her falling through, maybe he could have her out in time, or if had have been stronger maybe he could’ve got through the ice in time. It was all his fault and every single thought in his head agreed. He had nothing left, no will to live. His one and only reason for living was dead. One night, after months of self-loathing, he couldn’t take it anymore. He went up to his bedroom and dug through his closet until he found what he was looking for, his old kit. He had been clean for over three years but he couldn’t take it anymore, he needed to feel something. He looked at his arms as he held the razor blade in his hand, he looked at the raised, purple lines which were displayed all over his body, especially on his arms. He had lost count of how many times he had took to cutting when he was younger and so eager to feel something, even if that something was pain. If he didn’t cut deep enough to scar he felt as though the pain he was feeling wasn’t good enough. Now, blade in hand he cut, the wave of pain that was coursed through him was followed by a wave of relief as he let all his feelings and every thought he had come out in the form of cutting. Kenji felt the blood running down his arm collecting at his elbow before dripping onto the floor. One day ran into another as his perception of time began to slowly disappear. He was cutting almost daily unable to stop as there was no one in his life to stop him. He imagined the pain Harley must have felt knowing Kenji wouldn’t reach her in time. Four months had passed since she died, yet Kenji still saw her cold, lifeless body every night when he attempted to sleep. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with Harley but since that couldn’t happen anymore he saw no to reason to stay alive. He wanted to kill himself. He made a plan, he was going to do it, he was committed. He blamed himself for what had happened to Harley and he believed he deserved to feel what she felt, so he made his way back to the lake where it had all happened, where his entire life had went to shit. He stood at the edge of the lake, right where her dead body lay four months ago and the day replayed in his head, how she had wanted to go out for a morning walk but no, Kenji had to say no just because he was too selfish and wanted an extra few hours in the nice, warm bed. If only he had gone with her maybe he could have prevented her death. He was drawn back to reality and remembered what he had come here for. With Harley on his mind he ran into the lake and began to swim down to the bottom. He could feel his chest start to burn as he struggled to hold his breath, when he couldn’t hold it any longer he took a breath his airways opened and filled with water. The pain of drowning and the pain of knowing that Harley experienced the same pain were too much for him to bare as everything faded to black. His last thoughts were him and Harley, happy together.

heart of ice

Xaden

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Heart of Ice

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