The alarm wasn't supposed to go off yet. It wasn't. Usually I would sleep through its persistent beeping. The noise from that alarm was one of the only things I was good at sharing. It would dance around the room, seeminly mocking my Katy until she'd walk around the bed to turn it off and drag me out of my ignorance herself. I didn't need an alarm with her by my side. I didn't need an alarm at all, but I had one set. I didn't know it was due on the day of visitation beyond the veil. If I had known... I knew straight away where I was. The biggest indication was that giant stuffed frog in the corner of the room. She'd always had an odd fascination with frogs. She told me once that a frog had visited her home after her grandmother's passing, and swore blind that it was a sign from her. I never believed in signs from the dead, not until I had spotted her in the far corner of the room. Her presence alone paralysed me. I had seen this room before in my dreams but not with her in it. Seeing her again set this dream apart from the others. It was more like a nightmare now. Not because she was there, but because she wasn't outside of it. By my side. Why did you have leave me, Katy? For what felt like an eternity not one of us moved. I only remember very peculiar things from that room. There were multiple doors but they had all been painted onto the walls and the ones that looked the most real wore padlocks. I hadn't even thought about leaving the room at the time, but knowing I didn't have a choice in the matter seemed surprisingly predictable. I don't think, when death comes knocking, it is even possible to keep them away. If I would have been able to make it through one of those doors, who knows what would have been waiting for me on the other side. What was standing in front of me was all I had wanted and all I had been needing for months. I was pleased to say the least. I was stood there like a grinning cat. Extremely insensitive of me wasn't it Katy? Her abrupt movement caught me off guard and I had tripped over my own panic. Not even three seconds later and she was standing only a few inches away from my face. It's almost as if, for a moment, my brain had switched to autopilot. I don't even remember feeling my heart beat, though I don't know if you miss that when you dream. I don't suppose you can miss feeling something you never really had either. Like all of those fake tears her relatives had brought up at the service. It was like squeezing blood out of a stone for them I could tell a mile off. They had to put in some effort, even if they hadn't bothered much when they still had her by their side. The whole service was filled with false love, all but my own which you knew was only for you, precious. Seeing you stood there in front of me once more was all I had been hoping for. Your very existence was the sun in my universe, reducing all of my problems into puddles of the past. You almost always kept me calm, my Katy. Thinking back, she didn’t look the same at all, yet nothing about her appearance reigned, as a question, in my mind. Not even those eyeless sockets or that substantial sized hole in her head. I'd take any snippet of her beauty that I could get my hands on now. Hands. She didn't have any of those either. I just held onto poorly stitched nubs that closed off her forearms. I could still hold them forever, my Katy. The air around her was cold and very clean to the point where it made my eyes water. I couldn't smell the scent of lavender her body was doused in while living, though that winning smile would give any form of purity a run for its money. My Katy was only ever guilty of being too innocent. I could see, somewhere in those black orbs, she harboured resentment for all that pain those unruly people had bestowed upon her. No more pain, my Katy. Her lips were parted and her once tranquil breathing patten was disturbed by consistent, small gasps that strained her voice. With every struggle to form a single sound, she edged closer and closer to me. I had waited ever so long to hear that sweet voice of hers again. Despite my lack of patience, I was in two minds about what exactly I would hear from her, and if I'd wanted to hear anything at all. Not knowing how she had truly felt made me want to scream. I just wanted to know, yet when that time finally came, all she could choke up was that familiar, persistent beeping that fuzed the bomb of rage built into my brain. Needless to say I don't have an alarm clock anymore. It was an accident, I promise my Katy. I still don't know what hurt me the most. Waking up without a single piece of information she so dearly wanted me to have, or waking up at all. Saying that now is of very poor taste given the circumstances. I suppose my ignorance wasn't something you could truly drag me out of in the end, was it Katy? I am sorry about everything. I wanted to say that to you more than anything else. I really did. I am just as sorry for my cowardice as I am about the excessive amount of bleech I had used that masked your sweet scent of lavender, or about those stitches too. I was never any good at holding a needle, but I had always been worse at sharing my things. Forgive me, my only Katy.

My Only Katy

My Only Katy

ReineBlue

Hannah Reine

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My Only Katy

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