Bob Hall hates his name, say it out loud, and you’ll understand why, sounds really stupid. He’s changing his name to Wentworth Wellington Hall, this will instill awe and respect in others. So, from now on, he’s referring to himself as Wentworth. He’ll buy a monocle next week on Tuesday at exactly 3:17pm because of the critical time importance, he’ll be wearing his double-breasted blue color blazer with yellow long johns and purple penny loafers. He knows this will cause the ladies to faint and strong men to whimper like beaten turtles.

Wentworth was starting to feel unusually strange in his heart, mind, spirit, and soul because the extremely powerful psychedelics were kicking in. He wasn’t quite certain if taking 50 hits of Grateful Dead LSD, a huge ball of Magic Psilocybin Mushrooms and Very Pure DMT at the same time was the grandest idea he’d ever had. He’ll find out sooner rather than later. Massive earthquakes started shaking the house, yard, and street. The sky turned purple, and the pouring rain was green. He just saw a ten-foot tall orange lady with a tail and mustache riding a skateboard. Superman was powerless and running from a kryptonite moose with white wings. Suddenly his living room phased, shifted and exploded into absolute total complete unending darkness. He heard what he thought was him saying, “Bob Hall, you have now entered into the state of complete nothingness, and you will vanish from your own awareness. Forever. 

Oh no, Bob Hall, you've finally overdosed on too many drugs and are having a brain aneurysm that is killing you. Wait a minute, I’m Wentworth and not stupid Bob Hall, he can die if that’s what he wants. I need a beer, but it’s so damn dark I can’t figure out where the refrigerator is.” The Beatles are singing that they want to hold his hand. “This sounds like a glorious idea if they’re singing from my kitchen”. They stopped playing, and Pink Floyd is saying he’s comfortably numb. “Damn right, because I’m Wentworth, and enjoying the grandest of names”. A distant ship on the horizon and his hands that felt like two balloons are telling him his beer is in the washing machine covered in  red ice. “That’s nice if there are no mice covered in pizza.” He’s got to find his beer to stop this stupid brain aneurysm from killing Bob Hall, after all, he couldn't help it for being so dumb. “Why is it so damn dark?” Instantly, he heard, “Because you don’t exist.” Kansas is telling him he’s dust in the wind. “Fine, settle my dust on the washing machine, so I can drink 9 or 10 beers to save that idiot Bob Hall. Wait a moment, how can dust drink?”

There’s a gigantic expansion of brilliant pure light, and he’s standing naked in a massive library holding his cell phone. “Oh great, now I’ve got to find some clothes and my washing machine while figuring out how to leave a library.” For a most important and critical reason, Wentworth remembered that crazy Bob Hall had never set up his phone's voicemail. After dialing in, he recorded his brilliant message, “If you’re calling for Bob, I’m now Wentworth. I’m over there and not here, so when I return here from there I’ll leave again if it’s raining. I left there some time ago and became lost getting here, so I returned there to remember here. I think. It’s sunny, and I’m going bowling, so I won’t get skin cancer. If you’re there when I find the route from my there to you here, I’ll call if I remember to turn on the oven and flush the toilet 3 times. Your stupid call is extremely unimportant to me, so I’ll return the call as quickly as possible when I go there from here. Maybe. Hello for now.”  

Someone, somewhere, said it’s time to read a book. “What? I’ll read a book titled “How To Stop A Brain Aneurysm From Killing A Naked Idiot In A Library Looking For His Beer In A Washing Machine.”” Help me Mom! Crap! She told my dead aunt, who’s now crawling up my leg with a knife in her teeth.” A different someone explained that his beer was really in the bedroom dresser and was getting warm. “This cannot be happening, warm beer makes me vomit, looks like Bob Hall is going to die. Oh well, no big deal, he doesn't have any friends anyway because he’s stupid. Are all these books laughing at me? Why is the floor on the ceiling? What is the purpose of air? Do fish drown? The magazines are crying? Are all birds really robots spying on me? Do animals talk in English amongst themselves? Is the moon really an alien satellite? Can I walk in the sun? All the known universe is on the head of a pin in another dimension? Why do I have so many questions and receive absolutely no answers? How can my body be experiencing all this when it’s nothing but dust? Is God real? I hear a powerful Yes in my heart’s mind and have received a certain and truthful answer. Finally!”

BAA AAM!  “Or was this a small knock?  Why are they tearing down the library?” Now he’s looking at Gladimere, the friend who put the idea in his head that Bob Hall was an idiotic name. His one buddy says, “Jesus H. Christ, your one eye open and one closed make you look like an insane maniac.”  “Yes? However, my middle name isn’t H for Herbert and my last name is not Christ, my name is Jesus of Nazareth. Gladimere, why is Robert thinking he is standing naked in his living room with a warm beer and saying something about a library, although he’s dust in the wind looking for a book he must read?”  “I have no idea, he must be going through another of his idiotic and insane tripping experiences.”  

Wentworth looked at Jesus, who suddenly became a composite of Elvis and John Lennon, and asked, “Who did you say my name is?” “Robert” “Way cool, I like that better than Wentworth, can you please help me find my beer in my dresser before it gets any warmer? And I really don’t enjoy being dust. How will I be able to drink my beer to save Bob Hall?” Jesus who is now Elton John exclaims,” Tiny dancer, I don’t know if the yellow brick road leads to your bedroom, but I’ll ask God for specific instructions.” Gladimere now wonders why Bob who thinks he’s naked but isn’t is talking to himself and Elton John Jesus about his name being Robert who has turned from dust to a tiny dancer and is on the yellow brick road to find the warm beer in his bedroom dresser so he won’t have a brain aneurysm. He’s sorry he ever knocked on the door and decides he must leave before his brain implodes. “Bye Bob”. “My name is not Bob, it's Robert, and I look stupid in this ballerina skirt.” “Sorry man, I’ll visit you if you end up catatonic in a mental institution, I must leave. Now!” 

Bob Wentworth who is now Robert is looking at Elton John Jesus and is wondering why he’s smiling.  “You think this is funny? I enjoyed being a man, not a little girl, but at least I’m no longer dust. I must find my warming beer to save Bob Hall, who thankfully is now Robert Hall.” “Yes, this is funny, you’re really standing in your front yard talking to a tree and embarrassed because your neighbors will see you naked, even though you’re not. Sorry, I have some duties in Heaven and must leave also. I’m like Gladimere and you need to stop believing your insane ego mindset.” “Ok, sissy Elton John Jesus, leave, but thank you so very much for telling me my name is Robert.” “You’re welcome, see you again eventually.” 

Robert suddenly realizes he is talking to a tree, and it’s very important to take out the trash before drinking what is now going to be 25 beers to save Bob Hall. His mailbox starts singing “Wait a minute Mr. Postman”, the neighbor's dog turns into a Zebra, a passing car transforms into a boat pulling a skier that’s a cow, his bowels explode, and the mess somehow vanishes, swat teams are invading numerous homes, the grass grows ten feet and the entire neighborhood starts flooding. “What is going on, I’m back in the library gazing at an attractive librarian ?” I must ask her some questions.”  The librarian is looking at this strange man with a warm, unopened beer in his hand and unbuttoned pants, wearing no shoes with one sock. “Miss, I must say you’re very beautiful, but beauty is only skin deep. Comprehend please?” The woman is somewhat perplexed and has no words. “This is real simple, Miss Librarian. I need a book titled,“ My Brief Discussion With Elton John Jesus.” It’s a bestseller. In this magnificent book I’ll understand why I first came to this library when I was naked looking for my alcohol in a washing machine, when the warm beer was really in my dresser drawer, and why I was actually talking to a tree about taking out the trash before drinking 25 beers in the refrigerator where they never left to save Bob Hall who is now Robert Hall and no longer Wentworth from dying of a brain aneurysm because the idiot took way to many drugs. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?” 

The librarian is thinking, “I can’t talk to this insane madman who is starting to take off his clothes, I’m calling the police.”” Miss, I can see in your eyes the desire to make love, but first things first.” Bob, who is now Robert, stops undressing, opens the warm beer and downs it. “Now this helps because the alcohol is telling me to calm down as Bob, who is really Robert. I understand Bob Hall is not going to die from taking too many hallucinogens and remember reading that nobody has ever died from the drugs, but have passed because they fell out of a tree when they thought they were in bed.” The librarian is starting to relax but is startled when this strange man shouts, “Jesus’s real name is Jesus of Nazareth not Jesus Christ, and he’s now talking with friends in Heaven after telling me I was talking to a tree in my front yard while thinking I was naked. He explained I was clothed but concerned about the flooding neighborhood, a water-skiing cow, a dog Zebra eating cheese, swat teams running backwards, and other strange occurrences. My Brother explained the extremely weird and chaotic thoughts are the manifestation of my egoistic wrong, insane and lying mind. I’m beginning to recognize the absolute truth.”